This feed contains the 10 most recent pages in the "love" category.

It's funny how, when realising you have a mutual crush and trying to use your brain and go "we'll take it slow"... and utterly fail.

Well, ok, "utterly fail" depends on your perspective, but by the end of june, there was the casual use of "partner" as reference, and by the end of July, her other guy carried the sign "my girlfriend's boyfriend isn't just me" at Stockholm Pride. So while we haven't had the relationship talk, there's been words here and there, things have been said that yeah, this is what we wish for, and we wish to have this for quite a while, and the attachment is quite obvious... and yeah.

And I'm remembering late january, when I was thinking (and was quite decided, really!) that something committed, naaaah, not for me, not in quite a while, I couldn't see that happen this year. At this point, this makes me laugh a bit. What else is there to do?

Posted Aug 26, 2014, 10:16:41 PM +0200 | Tags: love


So, a couple of months ago or so, I had decided that although I wasn't very keen on having a steady relationship, that the deeper recesses of my hearts would most likely be closed for a while, I could still have a nice time, enjoy myself... basically being a bit of a slut and enjoying it (and of course, with anyone involved being made aware of the deal, I don't want to fool anyone).

But then, not many days ago, I realised that one person was on my mind a bit more than I would have expected... quite a bit more, actually! It dawned on me that I might have a crush, to my utter surprise! And we met again, and we talked, and I realised it was mutual, and...

... and it's taken a few days to let it sink in, to dare say it in an almost whisper, and say it a bit louder then...

So, there we go.

I have a crush on someone, and I'm taken by surprise, this wasn't the plan (haha), this was very unexpected... but, I have a crush on someone.

Posted Apr 30, 2014, 2:46:50 AM +0200 | Tags: love

The writing on the wall

... wasn't my imagination. It was really there. The possibility that could have been there isn't any more.

We talk a bit last evening, this came up.

We remain friends, we do like to spend time together and none of us want to stop doing so.

That said, there's gonna be a bit of time where I'll have to let go, and that's not gonna be entirely easy, I think.
... or maybe it is, maybe this has been going on slowly for a while already. We'll see...

Posted Jan 8, 2014, 9:51:49 AM +0100 | Tags: love

The writing on the wall...

... that I see a glimpse of when not ignoring it, has me wonder.
It's been a while that feelings were shared, or were visible in action.
A few weeks ago, I said something about mine, that they were still there, just as strong as in the summer, even though I haven't said much lately.

The writing on the wall...

... I want to ignore it. I want to believe that what I notice is really just my interpretation, my fear and my insecurity.

The writing on the wall...

... is something I really don't want to deal with, I don't want to see, I don't want to take in. Taking it in would lead to give up, entirely. I don't want to go there, it scares me.

The writing on the wall...

... might be premature. Maybe. Although it's said that actions speak louder than words.

I'll give it this week.

I'm hanging around
I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder

-- from "Lemon tree" by Fools Garden

The writing on the wall...

... may be me just wondering how far I can take my patience. or it may be my patience running dry.

Posted Jan 6, 2014, 7:00:07 AM +0100 | Tags: love

Oh my, it's been that long sinc I wrote anything...

A quick update then, of the main subject I've been blogging about since the beginning of last year

Back when Ulrika was over visiting me in the beginning of July, I got to realise that a lot of what did at the time was to make space for Her, while stumbling around and trying to figure out a life without Her (not giving up, giving up after all, and more...).

I ended up being at a crossroad, and realised I did need some answers to see where I should go.

There was some talking (in august/september I think?), and some sharing of emotions. Things got spelled out, things got mentioned. Was there a click of some kind? There seemed to be a click, or at least, it seemed like my feelings were welcome, although cautiously so. It looked like there was a possibility, even though not for the immediate future.

Posted Jan 6, 2014, 6:22:12 AM +0100 | Tags: love

I'm at a crossroad in life, one of those possible decisive key moments.
Which path will I choose? In a way, the choice is already made, my heart is pointing in one direction, clearly and with no hesitation whatsoever. It's a life changing direction, and I welcome it with all my heart if it happens.

Posted Jul 20, 2013, 8:57:46 PM +0200 | Tags: love

Ulrika reminded me a few days ago how I had said at some point that I can't see myself living a mono life again in the foreseeable future.

Now, I'm considering it...

The small lesson to learn is never to say never.

Posted Jul 11, 2013, 10:26:40 AM +0200 | Tags: love

It's quite apparent, really... my self esteem has had a pretty big blow. It became obvious when I talked with a friend today, one who's had a couple of tough years but seems to have recovered, and he talked about the pleasure of seeing his self esteem being back, and how that has effects around him... and hearing him talk hit home. It was hard to contain my tears at that moment (yeah, I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to hear him and not make the moment about me).

On the way home, I let my thoughts go on their own, see what came up. What came up was "not a keeper", and I cried again. Those words together with my desire for something long, for a relationship that lasts for more than just a few years... it hurt, and it was obvious where that belonged.

Posted Jul 4, 2013, 9:22:22 PM +0200 | Tags: love

The harshest thing to realise is that one's not ready and that one's catching that way late.

It started yesterday, with yet an emotional crisis, and I'm realising that regardless of if that possibility was a spark for something fantastic or really "just a tango crush", I'm not ready for someone new... except for friendship.

I really need to remind myself to take an extra good look at myself next time I have a crush. That, or take the kind of shit that follows when I realise a few weeks later that I'm not really ready.


UPDATE: I just had a talk with this person I had that short crush on, basically going for LJBF. She took it well, in a very balanced way. That's something I really appreciate.

Posted Jun 17, 2013, 10:55:13 PM +0200 | Tags: love

This is a topic that I haven't talked much about, at least here. I have referred to family a few times, but that's not really talking about. Anna and I tagged each other as family on facebook, but did we really talk about what it truly means to us? I'm not sure.

I know I've talked about the meaning of family, both as a concept and as what it means to us personally with some of my previous partners, but that was a few years ago, and maybe it's time to reevaluate, or possibly regurgitate some thoughts on it.

So... why now? Why am I thinking of it now? ... well... it's a bit amusing, really, 'cause this was triggered by a (very good) analysis of Game of Thrones. The analysis talks about an aspect of the series that really goes through it all from the very start; "family" and all the different meanings that it can have. All those descriptions touched something inside, both an aspect of desires that I have and the sense of deeper loss that I currently experience.

In many ways, "family" has felt like a foreign concept to me... or rather, the way so many use it, as strong bonds in a group of people governed by blood lines has always been kind of weird in my mind. Sure, I can understand it as a description of blood ties, but this is emotionally meaningless to me. This is really most probably a rejection that I do based on the fairly dysfunctional relationship with my mom.

From having accepted the blood line concept of family, simply because I didn't know of any alternative, to having gone through a number of relationships where I didn't really get a sense of strong bonds with the group based on blood (not even with Lisa), I came to start talking about alternative interpretations of family not many years ago. The term "chosen family" was mentioned...

Chosen family is a concept I can grasp much more easily than "blood family". I find choice in itself very attractive, so there's no wonder, really, but that's not all. I find much greater value in strong bonds that are formed by desire, love, attraction, spirit and so on than any blood ties. It's about people that I choose to have in my life and that I strongly want to stay a major part of my life and stay close.
Does this mean that I look down on people that use the concept of blood ties? Nope, not in the least. I do feel sorry for those who look at blood ties but aren't comfortable with their blood family, it's true. However, I know quite a number of people who have very stong and beautiful relationships with their blood family, to the point that it's obviously also a family they choose. To be honest, I often envy them.

Something I've come to realise is that I'm really still looking. If there's anything I'm searching for, it's for a family.
And I know, some will yell at me and tell me that I Have A Family, and it's true, I do... by blood, and I'm sorry to say that that in and of itself isn't enough for me.
And I know, some will softly remind me that I do have a family, in friends that I keep close. And it's true, I do, there are a select few that I know for certain will always be around me and that I keep close, at least in my mind.
However, the family that I'm also searching for is the one formed by a loving relationship and what comes with it... and there are times when I think I've found it, and that is probably one of the many reasons why the end of the latest deeper relationship has been so devastating... 'cause I think I caught a deeper sense of family there, and it currently feels like family lost.

Posted Jun 17, 2013, 10:18:37 AM +0200 | Tags: love

To see all of them, check the archive-love.

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