I had a date yesterday evening, at my place. No expectations whatsoever, just playing as I go, so to say, and getting whatever I can get, no set plan. The only thing I did to prepare was a little bit of cleanup and cooking dinner (a simple spinash and feta cheese pie, which she enjoyed :-)). The rest of the evening became lots of talking, mostly on her part.

Some might wonder what I got out of it, and she was worried that she would abuse my ... I think it was kindness that she referred to. But you know, just feeding someone and that being appreciated is a sacred thing in itself, and I enjoy that. And then, the talk was very much her opening up some things that are obviously painful, and opening up quite a lot of her vulnaribility on a mental and emotional level, and that's nothing less than a precious gift. All I could do was listen a lot and take it all in.
Through all of that, she also saw a major part of who I am, and expressed it. I felt very much seen by her, and that's quite a gift as well.

I spent my morning thinking about this and letting the impressions sink in, and I just felt warm inside. I hope she feels the same.

Thank you.

Pride is over, things are settling down, we're all tired (I stayed home from work today, being incredibly tired) and in need of rest. Actually, in the last couple of Pride days, Charlie and I decided to have a very calm next weekend, cooking good food, watching some movies and just being, together.

The Pride has definitely left traces in me. I had decided that I would mainly spend time experiencing it this year, not get too involved in the work. Still, I ended up being a poly tent host and taking part in the parade, which was more than I had expected a few months ago. And as early as monday or tuesday, I started feeling like I was right at home. These are my peers, I share quite a number of values and views around sexuality, love and respect with them, and I stopped counting the number of times I said "YES" in my head quite early. I wept in recognition a number of times.

I know that I want to contribute more to the poly section for next year. I've ideas that I need to write down. Charlie has some as well (I think we share some ideas ;-)).

Seeing myself grow from somewhat passively looking around to getting in front and showing myself, from wondering what this experience would be for me to feeling proud about who I am in this context, from feeling a bit shy to stand up for myself, that's quite something, and it's very encouraging. Encouraging in more ways than one, I "came out" to 5 coworkers yesterday, and the conversation that followed was quite a good and respectful one all in all, even though lightly sparkled with the expected standard package of stupid jokes, but hey, people will always react to the things they aren't used to, this is nothing new...

Through all this, my connection with Charlie has most definitely grown, and I know she's sensed it too, because she talked about this as a bonding experience, and it surely has been. I can't really say exactly how, but it's obvious our relationship has deepened even more over last week.
Gawds I love that woman!

The story with Åsa that ran alongside all this seems to have taken a new, somewhat deeper direction as well, but it's yet to be determined what that will really lead to...

Finally, and this is something I've just mentioned it a little here and there, there's a connection with Jenny (who lives in Australia), although it runs over limited time, and is thereby a pretty different experience. I have never been in a loving connection that I knew beforehand would have an end and exactly when that end is. Somehow, although I could never have imagined it like this, it feels very easy, and I've simply settled to enjoy whatever there is to enjoy in the moment that we have and will then gladly and lovingly (although probably with a tear) see her go away, maybe never to meet again.
So far, we've enjoyed some cuddly moments and moments of good talk and understanding. It's all good.

You know, although I'm damn tired today, I also feel LIFE! It really is all good.

Since we saw her and F, Åsa has sent Charlie and me SMS's that end with kisses, which we hadn't seen for a while (a couple of weeks). It made us feel like something was happening, and in a direction we like. Considering how things were just a week ago, this feels like a big step!

They came to us last saturday when we were in the bi tent, chatted a bit, showed us some stuff they had shopped (no, I won't tell), went off to check out some other stuff in the park, came back and showed us what they had seen and a couple of pictures, and I dunno, I was feeling some warmth in the air (plus I got to kiss Åsa both times just before they left, and that says something as well).

Since then, Åsa has sent me a few emails, all of which seem to go in the same direction, something I enjoy immensely.

So I'm guessing and hoping that F is getting over his jealousy, that he's found peace with our existence in Åsa's life, with the love shared and expressed.

And still, I know that there's more to go through. I'm still waiting for the next step, for the next deep talk which will and must happen to figure out where we all stand and how we can relate with each other. It's been a rough week and the roughness needs a little bit of healing, and only time will tell if the current peace with F is only temporary or if it is as sustainable as we all hope for. I sure hope things will go well and want to do my part to get there.

Love is in the air.

Last friday evening, Charlie and I went to Chicago dancing. The main thing we were after was to tango, but there were other dances to play with as well, such as Salsa and Lindy Hop.

Queer tango is, according to the lovely teacher Charlotte, is really the original stuff, from before it got sexualised into men being the "leaders" and women being the "followers", and in that setting, I spent most of my time being a follower, which was quite an experience.

When I've danced before (free dance setting, individual or with someone), I've never found myself in a defined role of the dance, it's been mostly that both try to follow each others movements, or that I've danced with myself only. I've been uncomfortable with leading as well as following. Having started with tango has opened up a new world for me, as I discover I can take a lead in my life.

However, the little experience I've had dancing tango with Charlie, it's been as a leader, and as such with no other experience, I've wondered from the start what it is to be a follower in the dance, how that feels and what freedoms you still have. Last friday I got to experience it, and I loved it!

The evening itself went like this:

• an hour of queer tango instruction.
• a couple of hours dance, some tango, some salsa, some lindy hop.
• an hour of Lindy Hop show followed by Lindy Hop instruction.
• more dancing.

As part of encouraging dancing, there was a dance bingo. We got a 4x4 sheet on paper with different statements (such as "Doesn't have a blog"), and after each dance, we could check if that dance partner had something that fit one of those statements and then cross it. Quite fun, really! And I ended up getting a row :-).

So I ended up dancing with a few people, sometimes as part of the instruction (we were encouraged to switch partners all the time, of course), but also as part of the dances themselves. I will never forget being asked to dance by this marvelous guy, asking me if I wanted to lead or follow, and after I said the latter and that I was entirely new at this, he swooped me off my feet. I have never before felt like I could just lean in to someone else, close my eyes and simply let my body do what it could do without thinking about it to such a deep level.
It was simply marvelous.

I danced a few times with Charlie (did I say she looked great for the evening, mainly dressed in black pants and a grey vest?), and we revelled in how well we got it, although being so new to these dances.

You know that bingo I meantioned earlier? Well, there were a number of people who'd gotten a row and there were only 5 prises to get. Someone was called as first winner, I don't remember what prise she chose. The second winner was... Charlie! (she chose a copy of Femmes of Power). The third winner was... me! (I chose a black sleeveless T-shirt with the message "Redo för en kärleksaffär..." [eng: "Ready for a love affair..."] in white, which was really an ad for KLM, but I thought it would be perfect to wear in the poly section of the parade if I blackened the KLM logo and URL) I can't recall who the other winners were, only that the two remaining prises were another T-shirt and incense.

Parade day!

I find it interesting to observe myself regarding this. A week ago, I was unsure if I was going to participate at all. In the middle of this week, I thought I would and stay fairly anonymous somewhere in the middle of the poly section... And what did I end up doing, if not happily fronting the section with a few others?

Before the parade started moving and we were all assembled in Humlegården, it was pouring. Not just raining, but really pouring and we were wondering how this would happen. Charlie told us that this is just wrong, the Pride Parade always has a shining sun!

We were lucky, though, the rain stopped as we started walking and we got all the way to Hornsgatan before the rain started again, fortunately much more lightly this time.

I spent the rest of the evening in the park, partly in the poly tent and partly in the bi tent. Åsa and F showed up in the bi tent and spent a little bit of time with us.

The evening ended in the poly tent, cuddling and playing a game with those who were there, Charlie, Jenny, Fredrik, Sam, Kip, ... before Charlie and I went home.

Today I was quite ambivalent, I had a hard time deciding what to do. My earlier plan had been to participate in the jealousy workshop in Pride Park together with Åsa and F, but since they had gone to it already yesterday and decided not to show up there last night, I had no real reason to be there (and frankly, I gave up on seeing them, but that's another story), and there were some interesting seminars today.

So, this is what Charlie and I ended up planning, just hours before leaving home:

• 13:30 - 14:50. Sex Positive Queer Spaces This was a presentation about creating open and queer spaces for sexual exploration in a safe environment, with Klub Fukk in London as an example.
• 14:30 - 16:00. Grassroot movements in southern Africa A panel and forum about the situation for LGBT people in Uganda, Namibia, Botswana and South Africa and the challenges they're facing.
• 16:15 - 17:45. Sexuality without limits A panel and forum about dildos, trans, public sex, slutiness, bodies, norms and limits. Are there limits for what's private or are our sexual actions politics?
• 20:00 - xx:xx. Couples dances, starting with Queer Tango.

Off we went! We came well in time and there was loads of space for the first seminar. A very interesting seminar, and it was interesting to hear more about how Klub Fukk works, how it's very much based on mutual respect with a sense of experimenting while being safe. I ended up wanting to go to London :-).
Also, among the presenters was a man who I would never have thought was a FtM, my jaw dropped with a thud when I realised it (well, he said it plain and clear, but the hints came just before). And a gorgous man he is!

After that Charlie and I realised that we needed a break and wanted to just relax for a bit, so we went to the roof, where there's a terrace and a café. Moments after we got our coffee and carrot cake (mmmmm, carrot cake!!!!!), we got an SMS from Åsa saying that she and F were leaving Pride House to go to the Park. AAAAH! An SMS exchange later and they turned back to come up to the café. Apparently, they had left the café just before we got there! Talk about crossing paths. Anyway, we finally finally finally got to see them.

Later on, while Åsa and F went off doing I can't recall what, Charlie and I went to the last seminar, which was quite interesting, talking about being openly sexual and the politics or politicising made around it. It was thought provoking.

As planned, the day ended with a lovely soft dinner followed by an evening of dance.

It would seem like, as soon as you decide not to change anything any more, things change around you so you get at least a start of what you want :-). Some would call it chance, I don't.

After last night's frustration, I had finally decided that I'd spend friday at Pride House instead of Pride Park. I knew that Åsa was around there somewhere, checking out some seminars, but I had put away all hopes of meeting her.

Surprise! Charlie and I had just about hit the café on the roof when we got an SMS from Åsa saying she and F were on their way to Pride Park to get together with us! A bit of frantic SMS (and a good laugh on my part over the absurdity of the situation) and they turned around and came up to join us.

So we finally got to meet F!

To be quite honest, my first impression of him was that he's quite dull. I had already decided, though, that I wanted to know more about this guy, and it didn't take long for him to warm up to us a little, and we ended up having a small discussion about clothes and cross dressing. OK, my curiousity is triggered :-).

It was a fairly short meeting, Charlie and I wanted to attend a seminar that wasn't too far away and we wanted to be there with enough margin not to find ourselves outside an overful room.

After not having met Åsa and F yet and finding out that they had already been at the jealousy seminar yesterday and we would most probably not meet today either, I'm getting quite frustrated. I feel sad and angry, because it feels like the opportunity to see each other is slipping away. I feel sad and angry, because I keep hearing about her "wanting to meet, but...", and I can't get the actions to match the words. I'm feeling like an object that can be dropped and picked whenever with no further regard. Charlie doesn't like the situation either.

I ended up writing Åsa an email laying out how I felt, and explaining that I'm pulling back a bit and leaving all the initiative to her for a while. That became a release, I can let go and leave it to the future to show us what it has in mind, and can plan today with Charlie.

Still, there's a sadness that things end up the way they do, and just a small hope to see a change... for now.

Since yesterday, I've walked around town in a kilt. It's kinda different, but after the five first minutes, my nervosity went away and I hardly noticed the glances and especially those people that quickly look away as soon as I look at them :-).

Basically, traversing Farsta Centrum at about 10am became the test of my confidence, and I was amazed how quickly walking around with, basically, a piece of cloth around your hip felt like the most natural thing in the world. I was a bit amused, though, by this stranger who had a good look at me, toe to head, with a broad smile on her face... I'll admit it, that was encouraging!

I guess the only thing that kind of triggers me is when I sometimes catch someone staring at my crotch... and of course, I'm wondering if this is how the women who get their boobs stared at too often feel like... on the other hand, am I noticing it more now because I'm wearing something different? Maybe it's something that occurs much more often than I've realised and I just hadn't noticed it before I feel a bit more exposed? I think I'll have to observe a little more consciously when I'll wear pants again...

What else? Oh yeah, there's the occasional breeze that sends a wif of fresh air to areas of my body where that has never happened before, and that's kind of a nice feeling.

Do I feel exposed? Not particularly. My kilt is a utilikilt, they're pleated and there's more layers of cloth in the front than one might realise, so a bit of wind won't make a difference, and since the kilt goes down below the knees, there really isn't much of a viewing angle, if you see what I mean. So no, no worries, really. Perhaps when sitting down, but considering I sat the same way today for, what could it be, half an hour?, before I realised that the people sitting at a level below me might have a view and thinking they might not enjoy it, it doesn't seem to be much of a bother (and it's silly anyway, as there isn't much light there ;-)).

I'm having fun with this. Isn't that how it should be?

Since the time when I wondered if Åsa was kind of floating away, I've talked with her as well as with Charlie, and it's clear that she doesn't want to distance herself from us. At the same time, though, it's clear that she has a conflict between the love for this jealous man and her stand that she is poly and bi and want to live as such.

I talked with her extensively yesterday, wondering about what kinds of limits were really at play (I had heard "no sex" earlier, but it wasn't clear what was emotionally included in that... to some, a kiss is sexual enough to trigger them), but also talked about what the situation looked like from my view point. All in all, it was a good talk, even though it was difficult, and I could hear on her voice that even though she could handle it, it was tough for her.

She and her boyfriend (I'll call him F for now) are coming to Stockholm tomorrow and will probably hang out quite a bit in Pride Park. I know that Åsa wants to take part in the poly picknick on thursday, and she, F and I are going to the jealousy workshop on friday and see if we can get some help for F's jealousy.

This will be a tough reconnection for me. To be able to say hi, hug, possibly kiss at least lightly, but still feeling that I have to hold back, kind of hold my breath while something out of my control happens, that's quite rough on my heart. But if it serves the greater good, it's well worth it.