I'm always a bit amused when someone tells me that I can have whatever I like, I've always wondered what would happen if I took the answer literally instead of asking what's availble.

Userfriendly to the rescue

But seriously, if you don't mean it, don't tell people that they can have whatever they like. I know, you're probably trying to give the impression that you have lots of different stuff, but you run the risk of having someone disappointed because they actually asked for something that you don't have (oops!).

A few days ago, as part of one of our conversations about... life, Ulrika asked me if I needed to feel needed...

My quick answer was "no", and still, the questions hung on to me, like one of those that you live for a bit.

A couple of days later, someone else sent me a hug by mail for moral support I had given... but with words that I took negatively at the time, it was about being there when needed and not taking too much space... and I felt quite small that day, so you can imagine how "not taking too much space" could reinforce the smallness.

It looks like two different stories, but they are connected...

being needed

Not my cup of tea, or at least as a basis for a relationship and for life.

I don't need to feel needed
I want to feel wanted

For who I am, for what I am, not primarly because I fill a need.

Warm eyes that make me melt, soft hands, big heart, kisses that reach deeply. Those looks from afar, noticing, soothing, smiling, there. The occasional close embrace.

Sometimes, I feel like a teenage girl around him, not really knowing how to handle what I feel, how to go on forward. Sometimes, the questions pop up in my mind... does he know? How much longer will it take until I dare actually tell him how I feel? Or does he understand anyway? Other times, I simply rely on that look, on what is now, and that what will happen will happen.

But oh, how close I want to be.

Him.

Emotions are running amoc in me, pictures coming and going. Hopeful, hopeless, trusting, distrusting, in love, envious, happy, unhappy, focused, unfocused, images flicking through my mind, all refusing to let themselves be sorted, felt through, analysed, just remaining there on the edge of what I can reach, on the edge between what's visible and what becomes invisible in the fog that surrounds me (1).

No, I don't believe I'm seriously unstable. This will pass, things will settle down, the future will show me what's real and what's not. I trust that. In the mean time, though, being in this state of mind is quite a piece of work. And yet, I know I have it easy.

Hopefully, dancing this evening will ground me a bit.

This winter has been tough in some ways.
I'm ready for it to be over, however much I love it.
I want the sun feeding me energy.
I want spring to warm me up.
I want gras and flowers.

It's not often that I'll mention things like this, but I gotta admit, I find this pretty damn cool... Not sure I'd really want one for myself, or maybe I do, just to play with when my fingers are twitching...

I've been trying to help, but what I say doesn't seem to connect, doesn't seem to make a difference... and I notice how this time, I'm getting tired, the energy lacking.
He doesn't seem to get certain things. I'm not sure I want him to bounce things off me any more.
Still, I'm trying...

I just saw the following status on Facebook:

People must understand that children with disabilities do not have a disease; children with disabilities are not looking for a cure but acceptance........93% of people won't copy and paste this, Will you be one of the 7% that does............... and make this your status for at least an hour?

I did copy it to my status, unchanged... I realise, though, that the message really should be expanded, as follows:

People must understand that people with disabilities do not have a disease; people with disabilities are not looking for a cure but acceptance........

Although I agree with having quite a lot of focus on children, I don't want to forget all the grownups with disabilities that are asking for the same thing, to be accepted for who they are. It's an important message to repeat, over and over, until people get it.

It's been a long time, a long hiatus. Getting back, though, currently updating the support for OpenVMS, with some help from two VMS folks out there that play with boxes I don't have (incidently, if someone has an Itanium running OpenVMS to spare, I'll gratefully accept it ;-)).

It's a slow start, and there is no 64 bit support yet, although it's been asked for. There's a separate branch in CVS (yeah cough we're still there) for it though, and it requires a bit of work still.

Ref: OpenSSL

... and it was good. Some talk with my partner's partner who acted as a mediator for a moment... reconnecting, talking about some of the issue over MSN, meeting again and talking some more about life the way it looked, what had happened prior to and leading up the small fight, figuring out what didn't feel right, figuring out alternatives and ideas, trying out some of them... and seeing that broadly happy smile.

It was good, and it feels to me like the relationship deepened a little bit more.