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Yesterday evening, I god the news that my uncle Jacques (in France) had died the night before. I was at a loss... I had seen him just a few weeks ago, on a trip to see family in France. We were at a dinner at my cousin's, and Jacques, who had previously said he didn't want to join, decided to show up after all, explicitely to see me (we hadn't seen each other for 20-30 years, I believe). It's almost as if he knew...

I kind of fell apart yesterday evening, already being a bit emotional, this just added to it. Fortunately, I had a friend that could come over, keep me company and hold me when I needed it.

Rest in peace, oncle Jacques, and thank you for wanting to meet one last time.

Posted Nov 9, 2014 9:29:42 PM +0100 | Tags:

It's funny how, when realising you have a mutual crush and trying to use your brain and go "we'll take it slow"... and utterly fail.

Well, ok, "utterly fail" depends on your perspective, but by the end of june, there was the casual use of "partner" as reference, and by the end of July, her other guy carried the sign "my girlfriend's boyfriend isn't just me" at Stockholm Pride. So while we haven't had the relationship talk, there's been words here and there, things have been said that yeah, this is what we wish for, and we wish to have this for quite a while, and the attachment is quite obvious... and yeah.

And I'm remembering late january, when I was thinking (and was quite decided, really!) that something committed, naaaah, not for me, not in quite a while, I couldn't see that happen this year. At this point, this makes me laugh a bit. What else is there to do?

Posted Aug 26, 2014 10:16:41 PM +0200 | Tags:

So...

So, a couple of months ago or so, I had decided that although I wasn't very keen on having a steady relationship, that the deeper recesses of my hearts would most likely be closed for a while, I could still have a nice time, enjoy myself... basically being a bit of a slut and enjoying it (and of course, with anyone involved being made aware of the deal, I don't want to fool anyone).

But then, not many days ago, I realised that one person was on my mind a bit more than I would have expected... quite a bit more, actually! It dawned on me that I might have a crush, to my utter surprise! And we met again, and we talked, and I realised it was mutual, and...

... and it's taken a few days to let it sink in, to dare say it in an almost whisper, and say it a bit louder then...

So, there we go.

I have a crush on someone, and I'm taken by surprise, this wasn't the plan (haha), this was very unexpected... but, I have a crush on someone.

Posted Apr 30, 2014 2:46:50 AM +0200 | Tags:

I had a talk with my landlord today.

It seems that I haven't payed enough rent since I started living here, according to their calculations. They generously don't have me pay what I should have payed retroactively, but they are going to bring rent up to what it should have been, starting may 1st. From my calculations, it's a 22% raise of the rent. That's... quite a hefty sudden increase.

I've asked for their numbers, but looking back at papers I've received way back when I moved in (that was a little more than 6 years ago), and they're probably right. I just hadn't noticed.

I've been wondering for a while if I could afford staying here much longer. This raise makes the question more acute, and I really wonder. I'm considering that it might be time to move to something smaller.

This is a pity, really... this is an appartment that took me two years to find, it's in a perfect spot, a nice green area away from the noise of the big roads, and large enough for all facets of life that I wanted to include (one of which never came to fruition, but that's for another post). I was hoping to be able to stay here for quite a number of years. If I decide to leave, it's going to be with quite a lot of sadness. And where to? There's a good question.

Posted Mar 21, 2014 3:22:57 PM +0100 | Tags:

My relationship with winter should be marked "It's complicated".

I've some thoughts about it following a series of posts on facebook where some rejoyce in spring coming, and others rejoyce when there's a bit of snow, even just for the night.

I find myself agreeing with both.

Winter has always been a time when my energies go down, I slow down a bit. Some years are worse when others, they become depressing. It has to do with light, really dark winters aren't good for me. Winters with snow are usually much more enjoyable, the snow making things lighter. I'm not fond of too much cold, though... but what's too cold varies a bit, some years it's been anything below +5°C, this year, whatever above -2° is fine with me.

The end result is that at this time of year, when it's still a bit dark, when sun still goes down at 17:20 and spring seems to be here, I find myself rejoycing in spring, in the birds that have started to sing, in the deer that are coming out of the bushes, and I find myself rejoycing in the occasional night or few days of snow that still come and are to come for a month of two.

So, it's complicated.

Posted Mar 3, 2014 8:28:51 AM +0100 | Tags:

The writing on the wall

... wasn't my imagination. It was really there. The possibility that could have been there isn't any more.

We talk a bit last evening, this came up.

We remain friends, we do like to spend time together and none of us want to stop doing so.

That said, there's gonna be a bit of time where I'll have to let go, and that's not gonna be entirely easy, I think.
... or maybe it is, maybe this has been going on slowly for a while already. We'll see...

Posted Jan 8, 2014 9:51:49 AM +0100 | Tags:

The writing on the wall...

... that I see a glimpse of when not ignoring it, has me wonder.
It's been a while that feelings were shared, or were visible in action.
A few weeks ago, I said something about mine, that they were still there, just as strong as in the summer, even though I haven't said much lately.

The writing on the wall...

... I want to ignore it. I want to believe that what I notice is really just my interpretation, my fear and my insecurity.

The writing on the wall...

... is something I really don't want to deal with, I don't want to see, I don't want to take in. Taking it in would lead to give up, entirely. I don't want to go there, it scares me.

The writing on the wall...

... might be premature. Maybe. Although it's said that actions speak louder than words.

I'll give it this week.

I'm hanging around
I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder

-- from "Lemon tree" by Fools Garden

The writing on the wall...

... may be me just wondering how far I can take my patience. or it may be my patience running dry.

Posted Jan 6, 2014 7:00:07 AM +0100 | Tags:

a separate update with focus on work

For about a year and a half, I've worked entirely from home, sitting at my home desk, just me and the laptop. Focused as much as I can...

... and it's been horrible.

At times, I've thought that it was the work itself... but I'm not entirely convinced that's really it.

However, something I've come to realise is how much of a social animal I am. There's this craving for interacting with other humans when truly eats me up when I'm alone too much. You can imagine in what state I am after having been home alone... really, STUCK at home alone for something like three days. I go crazy.

So the last few months, I've been thinking of what I can do to alleviate this, to have other humans to interact with and expand my horizons, do something other than just computing. I got inspired by a few friends, and figured that driving a cab could be a good option.

I signed up for the required education last month, and it looks good so far. I passed one of the tests last friday, two more to go plus a driving test.

Does it mean that I'm giving up computing entirely? While I've contemplated doing so, I don't really think so. But it's obvious I need something else as well, at least for a while.

Posted Jan 6, 2014 6:38:32 AM +0100 | Tags:

Oh my, it's been that long sinc I wrote anything...

A quick update then, of the main subject I've been blogging about since the beginning of last year

Back when Ulrika was over visiting me in the beginning of July, I got to realise that a lot of what did at the time was to make space for Her, while stumbling around and trying to figure out a life without Her (not giving up, giving up after all, and more...).

I ended up being at a crossroad, and realised I did need some answers to see where I should go.

There was some talking (in august/september I think?), and some sharing of emotions. Things got spelled out, things got mentioned. Was there a click of some kind? There seemed to be a click, or at least, it seemed like my feelings were welcome, although cautiously so. It looked like there was a possibility, even though not for the immediate future.

Posted Jan 6, 2014 6:22:12 AM +0100 | Tags:

Today, I've finally decided to drop this project. I really should have done it years ago, but there you go, these decisions take a while with me.

I've been thinking about it over the summer, and I came to realise that my motivation to keep on going with it is virtually none.

This is what I wrote on the mailing list:

Hi all,

Actually, the subject line doesn't say it all, it's really been time for quite a while.

Things are changing, life is going on, and I've been quite aware for a while that I haven't lifted a finger on this project for a long while. I've done some thinking on this and other stuff during the summer, to see where I feel motivated... and I came to the conclusion that my motivation to keep working on ctwm has been close to none for that long while, and that I really need to let go, let someone else take over.

Any takers? I've noticed some activity just recently, so I imagine there should be some interest. As a side note, there's a clone/fork on github, https://github.com/sroracle/ctwm . I believe this was mentioned on this list some time ago. I have no idea if it's of interest.

From a practical point of view, I can keep the web site, monotone database, mail and all that running on my server, but in the long run, it might be a good idea to move it wherever the one taking over wishes. Just tell me what you need and I'll help as much as I can.

Cheers, Richard

P.S. If there are no takers, I will have to consider simply dropping the project. Nothing I particularly enjoy, but...

Among the things I've thought about but never got to actually doing is to add full support for Inter-Client Communication Conventions Manual. I hope whoever takes over gets that going, it would be a nice addition.

Posted Sep 11, 2013 2:06:04 PM +0200 | Tags:

It's about life, it's about philosophy, it's about software and programming.

To see all of them, check the archive.

Also, there are some upcoming stories.

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