This feed contains the 10 most recent pages in the "personal-growth" category.

I went to a personal development seminar with Anna last weekend, one that I had attended once before, more than a decade ago. Partly, it was to reload on the kind of (good) energy that usually develops in that kind of environment, and partly because I was curious how the experience would be like this time compared to the time before...

... and I get to realise how much of this I've already done (and how much more work I still have to do). That's nothing I mind, it was still great to have it all refreshed and to see how I was standing within the message given, today.

One of the greater messages is about expanding your sphere of understanding and experience. "Transcending" is the word used, and it does say a lot, it's about transcending to a larger state of being by going outside of your comfort zone and conquering fear, going from a "human animal" (that lives much in fear and stays withing those boundaries) to a "human being", and a way to get there is through acceptance and happiness.

Talked about this way, it doesn't really sound that special. What's special about this seminar, though, is that a lot of the growth is done through practical experience. You get to discover acceptance, you get to experience going outside of your comfort zone.

I was a bit disapointed the last day, though... it was a part that was talking about the difference between men and women, talking about PMS and how that's incomprehensible to men, talking about men and women in terms of hunters and gatherers, and a few other things that got up my nose, probably more than it deserves... that whole part strongly contradicted my own experience, where the things that make men men and women women are really not clear at all, and it definitely isn't clear what comes from biology/genes and what comes from our upbringing. In this seminar, it seemed clear that the lecturer considered it to be a large part due to biology... and interestingly enough, this screams of inconsistency in my ears, as in another part of the seminar, we talked about how little we really know about how we work (and therefore, transcending to whatever we wanted is possible), and in some other part, we talked a lot about how we most often do with our kids what our parents did with us (unless we think about it and actively change it)... But then maybe this is something where the lecturer might transcend from a human animal to a human being some day ;-). If I didn't see this as a serious part, I might see it as a joke. Maybe I should, and laugh at the irony :-)

Still, I enjoyed being there and getting that energy again. I met a bunch of nice people, found a couple of friends that I intend to keep in touch with, and gave/got a lot of hugs. Actually, come to think of it, one of the greater things with this seminar is probably the huge amount of hugs :-)

Posted Nov 18, 2010 6:23:26 PM +0100 | Tags: personal-growth

I found myself loathing this morning, and didn't like it.

It took me a bit of time to sort this through, with some help from Charlie.

What I actually loathe is a behavior; finding faults in others, more or less consciously. I'm furious because I've been subject to that behavior many years ago (and I suspect I still am), and I'm furious that it took me until now to fully realise it.

What about the dislike for the loathing? After all, it's an emotion based on a reality I've been through, and has every right to exist!

I figured that the dislike was that I transformed the loathing of this specific behavior to loathing of the person who has that behavior as a whole, as if that person was defined by that behavior and that behavior only, a view that is never true in my world. I dislike when others make that kind of transformation, and I dislike it when I do it.

Now I can peacefully and furiously loathe that behavior and be angry with that person for behaving that way.

Posted Apr 8, 2009 10:26:05 AM +0200 | Tags: personal-growth

Inside myself, unknown to most, there's been a battle going on between terms and their possible meanings on one side and the reality of life, bonds and commitments on the other.

Meanwhile, the terms in question (I'll get to them later) are discussed, defined and redefined on a forum, and they just become wider and wider, or simply confusing and inapplicable as anything but general terms. Useless when going into the detail of actual cases, they lose their values and ground.

Inside myself, I'm redefining my view of things by looking at what I have in terms of bonds and commitments rather then looking too closely at the terms that are too general. Kind of looking at reality and drawing a map rather than taking a predefined map and trying to fit reality into it.

There's a lesson there. Don't try to make reality match the map, try to make the map match reality. Redraw the map as necessary.

Posted Jan 14, 2009 11:53:43 AM +0100 | Tags: personal-growth

Loved Charlie asked me the a couple of days ago how come I've never been to the pride before, and I guess the true answer is that I've been fairly reclusive, kind of keeping to myself, not really daring to put myself out there in "real life". Here, on text, even though it's far from anonymous, it's easy, I just write and send it out there.

My involvement with polyamory has been with fairly small groups, picknicks with people I know, and that's been enough for me. But I've obviously shyed away from bigger events with lots of people.

Another factor that plays in as well is that bigger events have often degenerated into sales of lots of stuff, and not so much more, and I've been quite disillusioned and have projected that on events I haven't attended. Quite stupid...

Finally, and very selfishly, I haven't felt a personal need to push myself out and show myself, I've just felt the need to live my life as I see fit without bothering if anyone sees me or not.

So I guess this is another change, I'm throwing myself out there, taking part in an event like this, belonging, taking a stand for who I am and what I believe in. Still in small steps, my goal for this year is to experience it as a consumer and helper, and will perhaps be more forward in my involvement next year. That's my plan at least. Putting myself out there.

I might figure out more as time goes...


Posted Jul 15, 2008 4:39:36 PM +0200 | Tags: personal-growth

... and life has changed a lot.

Actually, there's a little bit too much life right now, so to say. I've a few things that I have to finish and release, and it's taking some time and a lot of energy, and meanwhile, the universe is regularly poking at me with new possibilities, new situations to be aware of, take care of and integrate somehow. I've opened up a lot to life, and it seems like life is pouring into me relentlessly, and there are moments when I wonder when enough will be enough and I will have to close myself a little, and at the same time, I really don't want to go there.

So, what's happened so far?

Well, for starters, Eva and I broke up almost two months ago. Very amicably, it was actually the most well grounded and well processed ending I've ever experienced. I have had my reaction afterwards, with a lot of opening up and releases of old angers, sorrows and other crap as a result, and a bit of longing back to her, as she is and will continue to be a fantastic woman that I hold in very high regard, she has been She (using the way Bernie Prior describes a deep relationship between man and woman). It's taken a while for me to trust that there is anyone else in the world for me, but I'm getting there. It's been quite a trip going through all the emotions that have gone through me for the last 6 or 7 weeks.
The separation is not completed at this point. We've just started seeing each other again and go into a friendship, and there are some bumps to overcome before it becomes well grounded.

I've (re-)discovered (on a deeper level) that I'm afraid of being alone and that I have an abandonment issue. This explains the pattern I've had through most of my adult life, to start a new relationship more or less immediately after the old one has ended. My response now is to refuse to start anything new before I've processed the fear of being alone, something I plan to do by putting myself into situations where I am alone with just myself, see and process what comes up, one at a time, on my own or with the help of supporting friends. I expect that more emotions will come up.

Those two alone are enough for me to realise and decide that I have to pace myself, and that a new relationship is far away. Months? Years? I really have no clue whatsoever.

Opening up and releasing old crap have a lot of positive effects. I've a much deeper appreciation for life and beauty around me, and trust you me, if you just take the time to look, there's a lot of beauty around us! And life becomes quite simple, a greater flow, all I have to do is follow it and do things that promote flow. Of course, there's still a bit to go before I do that fully, but it's still a step.

Meanwhile, the universe keeps reminding me that there is potential out there... or testing my resolve, I really don't know which. I get people enough inside my awareness to create a disturbance (in a mostly positive way ;-) ) and cause me to re-evaluate my resolve. So far, my resolve is strong enough, finishing the separation with Eva and resolving my fear of being alone take absolute priority, and are quite a lot of work in themselves. At the same time, I don't want to reject possibilities entirely, and this is the point where it's becoming quite a number of threads for me to keep track of... or to release them and let them decide entirely on their own what they want. Thing is, I really want to scream to the universe "Please SHUT THE FUCK UP, just for a moment!" And still, I know that if the universe was human, it would just laugh. The decision is still mine, as is how I handle things, how I let go of control, how I stay with my resolve. And when I feel strong, those are not a problem, not in the least... It's just when I falter that it becomes tough.
Sometimes, I'm longing for a friend that can catch me when I fall, hold me, comfort me and help me restore my energy. That's the 6 year old in me speaking...

It feels good writing about this.

Posted May 22, 2007 1:45:17 PM +0200 | Tags: personal-growth

I've just finished reading Byron Katie's book "Loving What Is", and I can only agree with a lot of what she says.

The way I understand it her is that as long as we act from a place of love and are aware of the stories that we tell ourselves in our heads and how easily we torture ourselves with them, we're doing fine. She has created a way to work on ourselves that consists of 4 questions and taking a look at turnarounds of our thoughts and beliefs, called The Work, which basically gives us the possibility to look at ourselves in relation to reality. This relates a lot with what I've learned about seriously taking responsability for ourselves and what we do instead of projecting it on others.

I may, from time to time, display my own work using her methods in this blog.

Posted Oct 24, 2006 5:48:47 AM +0200 | Tags: personal-growth

It's amazing, once you get into processing and talking, what kinds of things come up and what questions become important.

Questions that were brought up today are:

  • What do I want from my partner?
  • What do I want to give (do for) my partner?
  • What do I need from my partner?
  • What can I give (do for) my partner?

I came to understand that there's quite a difference between wants and needs, as well as between what you want to give and what you can give.

I've never really done this exercise before, although I've had the question "what do you want?" thrown at me a number of times. And perhaps that question was just too general for me, mabe I needed to answer somewhat more detailed questions, like the above? And maybe I just wasn't ready to answer before now... And boy, do I feel ready to go for it!

The only thing I need to be careful with is not to give answers that are just designed to be pleasing and which will only end up compromising me. I need to be careful that I give true answers, what I really need, what I really want, what I really want to give and what I really see that I can give.

I've never before felt so excited by processing, talking and personal growth.

Posted Jul 21, 2006 8:51:27 PM +0200 | Tags: personal-growth

Something interesting has happened lately. My first girlfriend (let's call her D, which I will only change if she says I can) has gotten in touch with me again, all of a sudden. We broke up about 15 years ago, and have had very little contact since then, maybe talked about 3 times since 1993 or so. In the last month or two, I've had enough conversations on the phone with her that I stopped counting.

Part of me can't help but wonder what's going on. Not in a suspicious way, just wondering what's going on in your life, D, that makes you reach out to me in a comparatively massive way after such a long time. Don't get me wrong, it's delightful to talk with you on the phone in such a friendly way, and it's very healing for me.

Posted Jul 18, 2006 12:42:14 PM +0200 | Tags: personal-growth

Have you noticed how some people have a need to reinforce what they want with language of power? "If you don't do this the way I want / If you do that thing I don't like, I will do this forceful thing that I'm sure you don't like" I get that a little now and then, and am sometimes baffled by it, especially when the threat (you know, the "I will do this forceful thing..." part) is far from being in proportion to whatever I did wrong.

I've been told that this threat that I'm talking about is just the way I perceive it. So what else is new? When it comes to emotions, fears, that sort of thing, what exactly is not a perception? When it comes to what we say to each other, who doesn't interpret what is said with the filters of one's own fears, emotions, traumas and so on? Of course it's my perception of it, I think that kind of language is an attempt to threaten!

I've also been told that what I perceive as a threat it's just a consequence of my actions. I would argue that it's both, and that such a conclusion is a simplification of the whole drama. What's missing is an element of choice. The one speaking with that kind of language makes a choice to do so, and that in itself isn't a consequence of anyone else's actions, it's a consequence of that person's emotions, fears, traumas and insecurities.

I find myself going more and more into a position to simply not answer to that kind of language, not giving it energy and attention. It's a simple choice and drawing a line. I have no desire to take part in that kind of game, plain and simple.

Posted Jun 13, 2006 11:39:13 PM +0200 | Tags: personal-growth

Yeah, that.

I haven't made any new years resolutions or anything like that. I've already made them during the year, and worked on some of them already. I'm just looking forward to more personal development, more awareness, and increasingly good life for me and everyone I know.

Posted Jan 2, 2006 1:59:09 AM +0100 | Tags: personal-growth

To see all of them, check the archive-personal-growth.

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