A few days ago, while spending my last days in Boston (I will talk about that trip in another entry, I promise), I had a with Eva, and it sounded just like about half a year ago. She doesn't feel that I'm present. Quite honestly, I don't know what that means. I mean, of course I understand what that means in a general sense, but on a personal level, I do not know what "present" means to her. I feel lost, and I firmly wish I knew how to reach out and be as present as she would feel comfortable with. And I don't think it's about levels, like I'd have to climb a ladder, I imagine it to be different ways of being present and showing it. And when it comes to her, I have no idea if it's a spiritual presence, or about listening, or about remembering (which I sometimes suck at, so she may have a point regarding that), or about willingness to have fun with life (which I believe I do nowadays), or something else.

Point is, I've heard, over the phone, exactly the same sentence as half a year ago; I can't to have it like this. It could mean one of several things, that she can't see that I'm working on myself, that she doesn't see any progress in there, or that she just can't express what it is she's really looking for in a way that I understand. I do not know which it is, or if it's something else that hasn't entered my skull yet.

The part that's tough on me is that I keep imagining that when we have it like this, she wants to end the relationship. I have no such desire, whatsoever, but if that's what she wants, I really can't make it different. She's a grown up woman and has the freedom to go if that's what she wants. I do not know if that's what she wants, though, it's really just a figment if my imagination, and very much related to my own abandonment issue.

I'm noticing that in all the love that I feel, I'm also a bit angry. If this is going to be a twice-a-year pattern, I'm not sure I'm going to have life long patience. I am patient, often too damn patient (some of my friends say I'm too nice), but even that has limits.

I guess I should ask her, straight out, if she wants to split. But you know, it's damn hard to ask that question when I have no such desire. And it's very obvious that I'm afraid that she's going to say "yes"!

I'm currently on a plane, having just watched the movie "The Break Up" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, and let me tell you, when you're in the depth of feelings that I'm currently in, that's a damn good and damn heartbreaking movie. I couldn't stop crying through half of the movie.

So here I am, making myself ready for a break up that may never come. If it doesn't, it will require some talking, because this is something I don't want to live through twice a year, and I believe there's responsability to go around both of us.

blog comments powered by Disqus