Today, on another forum, two threads appeared, one that encouraged people to vent the things that were bad in their life, and another with the good stuff. I've decided to reproduce my two response here, just for the sake of having my own archive of the stuff I write.

The "bad things" thread:

Oh my, this is quite a thread after coming out of a mini-depression...

I hate to express myself in terms of hate. It feels like there's no nuance.

The doctors have just discovered my mom has some kind of lung sickness, probably the same as her mom, who ended up having lots of fluids in her lungs. It hit me like a ton of bricks that one of those who have been there my whole life has suddenly taken a giant step toward her own death, and I have no idea how to deal with it. It makes me really sad and it's really hard to realise this.

Quite soon (in a couple of months?), I'm probably going to watch my son travel away to the other side of the Atlantic, together with his mother. I know that he's going to have a good time and that there is stuff over there that he probably needs, and at the same time, I can't help but feel crushed that we're placing the burden of our divorce on him even more by giving him parents who are physically very separated instead of living about 600 meters (yards) apart. I'm working out the chagrin that I currently feel within, so I can go past it.

I absolutely hate (there, I said it) that I have been so numb, so out of touch with my true feelings for so very long (roughly 1990 to last christmas. That's a long time). I hate that I couldn't express the deep love I now know I can feel, and know I did feel. I hate that this numbness brought me to say "yes" when there was a big resounding "NO" deep within me, or even when there was just disagreement. I hate how I, by consequence, promised things that weren't grounded in me, that weren't what I wanted to promise. I hate how I, even further by consequence, broke those promises, because they weren't really grounded in me.

I hate that I ignored the child within, and let it reign on it's own or have someone else pamper it or even parent it. I hate that this still happens. It's my job, damnit!

I strongly dislike (and always have, I just didn't know how to express it before last spring) when someone wants me to take care of their inner child, instead of doing it themselves. I've had that happen with 3 people, one of them being my mom. Having someone else take care of your inner child does not help, especially yourself! It doesn't help that inner child grow.

I have an increasing difficulty with people who think their own perspective of the truth is The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth. It leaves no space for the rest of the world. I hate it when I catch myself doing exactly that.


P.S. interesting how I can express hate about my own stuff...

P.P.S. it feels good having expressed all this. THANK YOU!

The "unrant" thread:

Great thread!

I love my son Jacob. I love the way he laughs and runs into my arms, almost tackling me down, each time I pick him up from dagis and sometimes from his mom. I love the way he can melt into a hug with me. I love watching him play. I love his very apparent joy for life.

I love my cat Kattie (I didn't name him! ). I love the way he curls up on my lap or on my tummy, especially when I need it the most. I love how he suddenly gets a burst of wilderness in him around 11pm. I love him for being so patient with Jacob.

I really enjoy this new path of growth and increased spirituality that I'm walking, slowly finding my way to understand the world beyond the immediately apparent and to feel love for and connection with everyone and everything. Some day, I'll even be able to love myself fully.

I love computer programing. It's my art. It's the ultimate expression of my creativity blended with logic, accuracy and the feeling that I do the right thing.

I love interacting and being with people. I increasingly throw myself into groups of people, new situations, new challenges, things that might ultimately provoke something in my inner core and help me grow a little bit more.

I sometimes like being alone, just to recapture my life, brood over something I've been through recently, or just enjoy a little bit of quiet time.

I love going to the movies once in a while, or going out to eat in good company.

I love my current companion, for her straightforwardness, for her awareness that goes beyond what I have experienced (or been willing to see, perhaps) before, for her accepting what I have to give (things I didn't even know about) and for what she has to give me, and for encouraging me to follow the path I'm currently following.

I love my previous partners, for having wanted to share a few years with me, even though they have sometimes been very difficult. They will all be part of my life, forever. I'm deeply grateful to them all, and especially to Lisa, for everything I've learned and for the path that they have lead me to.


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