[NOTE: This entry will be edited when I remember more. It may be edited for corrections...]

There's a lot that has happened since my ex (let's call her G) and I separated. Let's take it from the start...

Sometime in the winter 2003, I got in touch with a therapist for whome I have high regard. Working with him, I connected truth and what that really is with thoughts that kept on reminding me of things I had thought long ago, as well as integrity. I finally got a good sense of what emotions really are, who owns them, and the fact that one can't be guilty for the emotions that others feel as part of interacting with them. Something I was reminded of is that there is no absolute truth, that there's always an interpretation that each and every one of us do. If we're lucky, there are truths (hopefully a majority or them) that everyone agrees upon.

The greatest gift Ian gave me was to help me connect with my feelings and emothions, something I haven't really done for a lot of years (about 15 or so), and thereby be connected with my truth instead of being "under someone else's control" (which is basically that I allow someone else to make decisions for me, in an unconscious or semi-unconscious way).

Another gift was to help me see how I can live more in the moment, and be truthful in that.

All of that and much more has allowed me to live by looking forward instead of looking at my past all the time and being dragged down in a black spiral of despair over all the mistakes I've made (and I've made some, believe you me!). It's also allowed me to open my eyes to the stuff that happens in other people. I can see fear in the blame much more clearly instead of taking the blame and let that drag me down, and sometimes figure out a way to go past that fear and do some true processing of it. I can see my own fears much more clearly, and work on them or with them.

One of my biggest fears has been the fear of conflict. I tended to do whatever I could to avoid a fight, including saying "yes" to something my true self should have answered "no" to.

During the same winter, I was exploring a possible relationship with a Swedish woman (let's call her B). She couldn't see us having a full relationship because of my being polyamorous [1] and my wish to live polyamorously, but at the same time didn't want us to part, so we kept a relationship that could be seen as siblinghood, even though we aren't related.

In the third week of March 2004, I agreed to have another woman from the states (let's call her Z) come over to Sweden and spend 10 days with me, and possibly my son. When it was first suggested, I said that I'd love it, but that I didn't think it was such a good idea, mostly blaming the tense situation between my G and me. She became quite insistent by the end of that week, asking me very specifically what I wanted, and I'll admit it, I wanted to meet her, and without looking at anything else, the answer became clear! Also, because of ticket price technicalities, I was under the impression that a quick decision was necessary, so instead of doing what I should have, to think it over for a day or so, I decided there and then that she should come over. Way too fast!

Saturday March 20th, I was at a dance with B, and god did we dance well together. The best ever so far. Some time after the dance, I told her about Z's future visit, and she was a bit taken aback, but knowing I wanted a poly life, she couldn't really say much since she had accepted it in itself, just not as an integral part of her life.

Sunday March 21st, I felt like a was walking in darkness. I recognised that feeling as meaning there's something that's not quite right. I mailed G to tell her about Z's future visit, thinking that was it, that I had forgotten to do that. Later that evening, I got a letter from B that was so full of love and sadness that it really struck me. Still, I needed to look inside myself to see what was my truth in all of this.

Monday March 22nd, I was woken up early in the morning by a call from G, basically screaming "ARE YOU CRAZY?" at me. I'm not sure I was crazy in the sense she meant (I mostly recall her saying that she would have to walk under my window every morning and wonder what would go on inside. Much later, I figured that G really didn't have to walk under my window, there are nice alternate paths to the subway, and through a nice park at that!).

Later the same morning, I had a very sudden and very powerful emotional storm. The image I keep seeing is all my emotions as small particles spinning around in a huge tornado. It felt like everything was up in the air. It was powerful enough to knock me down physically, I had to lie down and just breathe deeply. After a while, there were a few images coming up, associated with importance (I knew this, maybe because that's what I wanted). The first image was B's face, closely followed by my son's face. A short moment later, G's face showed up. As for Z, her image never stabilised (this makes me very sad, because it means I fooled both her, myself and everyone else about my feelings toward her).

It became clear that I had to rethink a number of things. The first thing I did was to ask Z not to come to Sweden after all, and I wrote why, as clearly as I could (I have looked at my mail again, and considering my emotional state then, it was amazingly clear). The next thing was to reach in and figure out what I really felt about B, and I found that I was very much in love, so much I started considering living monoamorously. With clarity came some conditions for me to do so (among others, I could absolutely not see myself turing to a monoamorous life if that was based on fear, for example jealousy). I wrote B about this, and asked that we meet as soon as possible, also saying that we really need to talk about things and that I have some questions to ask.

Wednesday March 24th, in the evening, I went over to B and we talked for a long time. I found out that she didn't want a poly relationship because she didn't see that she would be able to handle the energies from other partners when I would come to her. That's entirely fair, so I went along with that, saying that I'm still polyamorous at heart but do not absolutely need to live it, and that she has a higher priority. So basically, this is the time when we consider having started being together.

One might wonder what became of G at this point... Well, she got in touch with Z and they shared the horibilities of my games from before, and the were both really pissed at me, something I do understand. As for my own feelings, I feelt like I had a connection with G at multiple levels; we're both parents to the same boy, and need to keep in touch to take good care of him, and she's part of my life, having lived together for five years, and I do love her, even if I'm no longer in love with her.



[1] Let's make something REALLY clear: when I talk about polyamory, I see two things; one is about the capacity of an individual, "being polyamorous at heart", and is just about being able to be in love with more than one person. The other is about the way one lives, and here's where "rules" and moral values come in. Basically, it's about how you act your polyamory. This is controvertial, as it means that someone who cheats may be polyamorous at heart, even when he or she doesn't follow the common moral rules coming with polyamorous relationships. I'm pretty sure a lot of people will strongly disagree with me, but I really don't give a crap, these thoughts are a result of years of unusually clear thinking. Anyhow, this is the reason I can say that I'm polyamorous at heart but do not live polyamorously.

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