This feed contains the 10 most recent pages in the "relationships" category.

I'm at a crossroad in life, one of those possible decisive key moments.
Which path will I choose? In a way, the choice is already made, my heart is pointing in one direction, clearly and with no hesitation whatsoever. It's a life changing direction, and I welcome it with all my heart if it happens.

Posted Jul 20, 2013 8:57:46 PM +0200 | Tags: relationships

The harshest thing to realise is that one's not ready and that one's catching that way late.

It started yesterday, with yet an emotional crisis, and I'm realising that regardless of if that possibility was a spark for something fantastic or really "just a tango crush", I'm not ready for someone new... except for friendship.

I really need to remind myself to take an extra good look at myself next time I have a crush. That, or take the kind of shit that follows when I realise a few weeks later that I'm not really ready.


UPDATE: I just had a talk with this person I had that short crush on, basically going for LJBF. She took it well, in a very balanced way. That's something I really appreciate.

Posted Jun 17, 2013 10:55:13 PM +0200 | Tags: relationships

This is a topic that I haven't talked much about, at least here. I have referred to family a few times, but that's not really talking about. Anna and I tagged each other as family on facebook, but did we really talk about what it truly means to us? I'm not sure.

I know I've talked about the meaning of family, both as a concept and as what it means to us personally with some of my previous partners, but that was a few years ago, and maybe it's time to reevaluate, or possibly regurgitate some thoughts on it.

So... why now? Why am I thinking of it now? ... well... it's a bit amusing, really, 'cause this was triggered by a (very good) analysis of Game of Thrones. The analysis talks about an aspect of the series that really goes through it all from the very start; "family" and all the different meanings that it can have. All those descriptions touched something inside, both an aspect of desires that I have and the sense of deeper loss that I currently experience.

In many ways, "family" has felt like a foreign concept to me... or rather, the way so many use it, as strong bonds in a group of people governed by blood lines has always been kind of weird in my mind. Sure, I can understand it as a description of blood ties, but this is emotionally meaningless to me. This is really most probably a rejection that I do based on the fairly dysfunctional relationship with my mom.

From having accepted the blood line concept of family, simply because I didn't know of any alternative, to having gone through a number of relationships where I didn't really get a sense of strong bonds with the group based on blood (not even with Lisa), I came to start talking about alternative interpretations of family not many years ago. The term "chosen family" was mentioned...

Chosen family is a concept I can grasp much more easily than "blood family". I find choice in itself very attractive, so there's no wonder, really, but that's not all. I find much greater value in strong bonds that are formed by desire, love, attraction, spirit and so on than any blood ties. It's about people that I choose to have in my life and that I strongly want to stay a major part of my life and stay close.
Does this mean that I look down on people that use the concept of blood ties? Nope, not in the least. I do feel sorry for those who look at blood ties but aren't comfortable with their blood family, it's true. However, I know quite a number of people who have very stong and beautiful relationships with their blood family, to the point that it's obviously also a family they choose. To be honest, I often envy them.

Something I've come to realise is that I'm really still looking. If there's anything I'm searching for, it's for a family.
And I know, some will yell at me and tell me that I Have A Family, and it's true, I do... by blood, and I'm sorry to say that that in and of itself isn't enough for me.
And I know, some will softly remind me that I do have a family, in friends that I keep close. And it's true, I do, there are a select few that I know for certain will always be around me and that I keep close, at least in my mind.
However, the family that I'm also searching for is the one formed by a loving relationship and what comes with it... and there are times when I think I've found it, and that is probably one of the many reasons why the end of the latest deeper relationship has been so devastating... 'cause I think I caught a deeper sense of family there, and it currently feels like family lost.

Posted Jun 17, 2013 10:18:37 AM +0200 | Tags: relationships

This is a blog entry transfered here from a poly forum

Some days, I wonder if I have to live a poly life. What's forcing me? Of course, one could as well as if I have to live a mono life. What's forcing me?

After all, I don't really believe in "have to"...

As things are right now, I can say that I have to. I have a close relationship that I don't want to let go of. It's explicitely poly, and structured in such a way that there's ample space for at least one more relationship 1. There simply isn't space for a mono relationship.

However, should I speculate a bit, I can imagine myself in a situation when I'm single (really, have no close/romatic/sexual relationships at all), get head over heels in love and believe it could turn into a long relationship 2, and the question is what my choice will be. I'll talk about poly, of course... but would I be stiff-necked about it? What's worth more, to stick to a certain form no matter what ot to welcome love in my life regardless of form?

It's been a long while since I asked myself these questions, it's been a few years when poly was so much the obvious right choice that I really couldn't picture anything else. But today? I really can't say for sure... I know that I wish for it, but should it really be such a strong priority?

  1. Until recently, I believed that there was no speace in my heart for another close relationship, that my heart needed healing first. Today, I'm not entirely sure... my heart does need healing still, but it seems like there's still space, perhaps. Either way, this doesn't stop me from speculating about the future, however far that might be. ↩

  2. I think I've become a lot more picky; I believe that it'll take some encounters, some flirting, some talking, some exploration before I start believing in something greater. ↩

Posted Jun 16, 2013 8:15:11 AM +0200 | Tags: relationships

After lots of talking, after putting all my emotions on display as clearly as possible, I've finally realised that what I wanted is just not possible, there is no reciprocity on that level for at least the foreseeable future.

So, in spite of all the thought of not giving up, there is a point where one may have to, where continuing is destructive and just pushes away what I still want in life. I did give it a good try, though.

So I change path. Emotions still there in the big scheme of thing, but redirected toward friendship only.

Posted May 10, 2013 2:00:00 PM +0200 | Tags: relationships

It's absurd to realise that I may have found someone I'd call a Love Of My Life... after we've broken up.

(it's nice, though, to know how it feels... this is a new feeling)

Posted Apr 19, 2013 12:10:38 AM +0200 | Tags: relationships

I seldom go for bitterness, and I'm not sure this is it either...

But... relationships. I questioned the value of relationships today (you know, romantic/sexual, loving, all that... 'cause yeah, I know that simple friendship is a relationship as well!). Still do.

Here's the deal, I've lived through a number of relationships. The first three were 5 years long. Almost exactly in some cases. After that, all have been somewhere between 1½ and almost 3 years... short, short, short, short, short.

Yeah, I know, there are those who read this that will tell me 5 years is pretty long... and I guess it is.

But you see, I'm longing for something else. For something long. I once watched Ulrika when she was telling a story of an old memory that was kind of a marking tale of her husband, and I could see her eyes look into the distance, glazing over. It was obviously a very dear memory, and one that seemed to define her relationship with her husband... and I was envious! At the time, this memory was a bit more than 10 years old.
This is the kind of relationship I long for... and haven't been able to maintain.

I can't say what it is I'm doing to always have these fairly short relationships. I think that among others, I haven't really done much to build for length. I wish I had, but more seriously, it's something I want to do better in the future (and yeah, I've some thoughts on how).

Trouble is that, I realise I'm pretty damn selective. This isn't something I'll do with just anyone, it will take someone that I believe it really would work with. And as it is right now, the one person I currently know that I would like to do so with... that's just not something that'll happen any time soon.

But then also, I'm tired.
I'm tired of the whole meeting, flirting, bonding, getting together, crashing cycle. I think I've lost the desire to start something new, getting to know a new person, all of that. I find it hard to believe that I will get any better... I guess this is where bitterness sets in.

So, someone remind me... this whole relationship thing. Why? Why should I?

Posted Apr 13, 2013 10:21:09 PM +0200 | Tags: relationships

I'm starting to get tired... or maybe it's just a momentary thing. I can't know that for sure, but that's how I feel for the moment.

I'm starting to get tired of relationships... or perhaps not of relationships in themselves, but how things have been going lately. They've been a bit quick, most of the relationships I've had of late, and I'm starting to tire of the game we play, hooking up, attaching, ending. Most of all, I'm tired of all the ends, they seem to tear me apart as of late. I seem to attach pretty strongly, to make strong ties within myself (and perhaps I'm not showing those ties well enough).

So I'm tired, I have no real desire to start anything new, or to maintain relationships where I don't feel a real drive.

I've told myself that maybe I'm just not cut for very long relationships, that short moments may be what's in for me, that maybe I should simply give in to how things are and work with that flow. However, the tragic part is that if I keep that in mind, I doubt that I would give myself fully, that I would get real close. Anticipation of an end does that, it builds a distance, it builds a thin wall. I really have no desire for that sort of life.
Sure, I can play, but does that fill me? Not really, not as far as I can see for the moment.

This mood that I'm in is, of course, affected by how life has been lately. Not bitternes, rather a strong look at how my life has been, what felt meaningful and what did less so, and looking at what I might really desire.

It's time for a cleanup in my life. Take out the clutter, keep what has meaning, stay with what I desire, let the rest go. And wait, for what might come, for who might appear (again?), with all the love I can feel and show. No rush.

Posted Mar 20, 2013 12:35:00 PM +0100 | Tags: relationships

Thinking about my current status, and seeing some similarities with how I felt in another similar time, I've come to realise that there a few people who retain a very important presence in my life, of the kind that extends beyond the time of a committed relationship.
All I want to say to those is that you're welcome in my life and will always be as far as I can see (and I look far). You'll always be welcome in my home.

Posted Mar 14, 2013 3:32:18 AM +0100 | Tags: relationships

For a few days now, I've been trying to find what the essential quality of a committed relationship, being together, is to me.

I've often expressed how "being together" contains components like a willingness to spend time together more than you would otherwise, a willingness to share your lives with each others, a willingness to express and accept some expectations from each others, a hightened connection... and while these components are important, and while there is a need to talk about them in a new relationship, they don't really reach the depth of what being together really mean, to me. They don't explain the excruciating pain of a close and important relationship that comes to an end, this feeling of having parts of your guts ripped out of your body.

A friend and I talked earlier today, and while I can't quite remember how this came about, there's this one word that stuck to my mind. It's a word I know very well, I've heard it before... and yet, I've kept forgetting it, I've kept forgetting its existence.


Belonging with someone(s), this quality that fills my heart and my body... and leaves a hole when the relationship ends.

Why has it taken all this time to accept this word (or has it, have I just forgotten?)? I can't really say for sure now, but... I've shied from expressions like "you're mine", "I'm yours" before, in fear of feeling caged in, in fear of having my oh so important freedom taken away from me. But really, this sense of belonging doesn't really say more than that. It doesn't automatically mean that you have to act according to certain standards. It doesn't inherently mean exclusivity, living in the same home, spending all evenings together. The choice of what we want to do together, with each others, is still a choice, something to express and agree upon.

I think I'm finally realising that expressing a sense of belonging doesn't take away my freedom. It doesn't change my actions, my reasoning, my emotions. It's simply a quality of how I feel when I'm with somebody.

Posted Mar 14, 2013 2:25:22 AM +0100 | Tags: relationships

To see all of them, check the archive-relationships.

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