This feed contains the 10 most recent pages in the "poly" category.

"The grass is green on all sides." -- me

It's funny how, when realising you have a mutual crush and trying to use your brain and go "we'll take it slow"... and utterly fail.

Well, ok, "utterly fail" depends on your perspective, but by the end of june, there was the casual use of "partner" as reference, and by the end of July, her other guy carried the sign "my girlfriend's boyfriend isn't just me" at Stockholm Pride. So while we haven't had the relationship talk, there's been words here and there, things have been said that yeah, this is what we wish for, and we wish to have this for quite a while, and the attachment is quite obvious... and yeah.

And I'm remembering late january, when I was thinking (and was quite decided, really!) that something committed, naaaah, not for me, not in quite a while, I couldn't see that happen this year. At this point, this makes me laugh a bit. What else is there to do?

Posted Aug 26, 2014, 10:16:41 PM +0200 | Tags: poly


So, a couple of months ago or so, I had decided that although I wasn't very keen on having a steady relationship, that the deeper recesses of my hearts would most likely be closed for a while, I could still have a nice time, enjoy myself... basically being a bit of a slut and enjoying it (and of course, with anyone involved being made aware of the deal, I don't want to fool anyone).

But then, not many days ago, I realised that one person was on my mind a bit more than I would have expected... quite a bit more, actually! It dawned on me that I might have a crush, to my utter surprise! And we met again, and we talked, and I realised it was mutual, and...

... and it's taken a few days to let it sink in, to dare say it in an almost whisper, and say it a bit louder then...

So, there we go.

I have a crush on someone, and I'm taken by surprise, this wasn't the plan (haha), this was very unexpected... but, I have a crush on someone.

Posted Apr 30, 2014, 2:46:50 AM +0200 | Tags: poly

I'm at a crossroad in life, one of those possible decisive key moments.
Which path will I choose? In a way, the choice is already made, my heart is pointing in one direction, clearly and with no hesitation whatsoever. It's a life changing direction, and I welcome it with all my heart if it happens.

Posted Jul 20, 2013, 8:57:46 PM +0200 | Tags: poly

I'm starting to get tired... or maybe it's just a momentary thing. I can't know that for sure, but that's how I feel for the moment.

I'm starting to get tired of relationships... or perhaps not of relationships in themselves, but how things have been going lately. They've been a bit quick, most of the relationships I've had of late, and I'm starting to tire of the game we play, hooking up, attaching, ending. Most of all, I'm tired of all the ends, they seem to tear me apart as of late. I seem to attach pretty strongly, to make strong ties within myself (and perhaps I'm not showing those ties well enough).

So I'm tired, I have no real desire to start anything new, or to maintain relationships where I don't feel a real drive.

I've told myself that maybe I'm just not cut for very long relationships, that short moments may be what's in for me, that maybe I should simply give in to how things are and work with that flow. However, the tragic part is that if I keep that in mind, I doubt that I would give myself fully, that I would get real close. Anticipation of an end does that, it builds a distance, it builds a thin wall. I really have no desire for that sort of life.
Sure, I can play, but does that fill me? Not really, not as far as I can see for the moment.

This mood that I'm in is, of course, affected by how life has been lately. Not bitternes, rather a strong look at how my life has been, what felt meaningful and what did less so, and looking at what I might really desire.

It's time for a cleanup in my life. Take out the clutter, keep what has meaning, stay with what I desire, let the rest go. And wait, for what might come, for who might appear (again?), with all the love I can feel and show. No rush.

Posted Mar 20, 2013, 12:35:00 PM +0100 | Tags: poly

For a few days now, I've been trying to find what the essential quality of a committed relationship, being together, is to me.

I've often expressed how "being together" contains components like a willingness to spend time together more than you would otherwise, a willingness to share your lives with each others, a willingness to express and accept some expectations from each others, a hightened connection... and while these components are important, and while there is a need to talk about them in a new relationship, they don't really reach the depth of what being together really mean, to me. They don't explain the excruciating pain of a close and important relationship that comes to an end, this feeling of having parts of your guts ripped out of your body.

A friend and I talked earlier today, and while I can't quite remember how this came about, there's this one word that stuck to my mind. It's a word I know very well, I've heard it before... and yet, I've kept forgetting it, I've kept forgetting its existence.


Belonging with someone(s), this quality that fills my heart and my body... and leaves a hole when the relationship ends.

Why has it taken all this time to accept this word (or has it, have I just forgotten?)? I can't really say for sure now, but... I've shied from expressions like "you're mine", "I'm yours" before, in fear of feeling caged in, in fear of having my oh so important freedom taken away from me. But really, this sense of belonging doesn't really say more than that. It doesn't automatically mean that you have to act according to certain standards. It doesn't inherently mean exclusivity, living in the same home, spending all evenings together. The choice of what we want to do together, with each others, is still a choice, something to express and agree upon.

I think I'm finally realising that expressing a sense of belonging doesn't take away my freedom. It doesn't change my actions, my reasoning, my emotions. It's simply a quality of how I feel when I'm with somebody.

Posted Mar 14, 2013, 2:25:22 AM +0100 | Tags: poly

I'm not afraid that someone I love shall find love for or from another,
I'm afraid to lose hir love because of who I am.
I'm even more afraid that ze won't understand how very loved ze is.
However many I might love.

-- Michael Sjögren
Posted Sep 11, 2012, 10:57:59 AM +0200 | Tags: poly

"One well defined, and then three that I've started to count on"

I said this to him when prompted... and while it's been a fleeting thought for some time, I've been keeping it to myself, unsure...
Hearing myself utter those words, though, made it more true, more visible somehow.

Posted Dec 16, 2010, 11:37:46 PM +0100 | Tags: poly

A little now and then, a bunch of polys (definitionists, hedonists, anarchists, ...) that know each other or are aquainted somehow get together at a café here in Stockholm. We spend time together, maybe we get to meet a new person, maybe we get som new perspectives, hug a lot or cuddle in corner or three. The place has a couple of couches and a number of people are quite cuddly, it really lends itself to that.

Yesterday was one of those times. We were quite a bunch, so we invaded one of the rooms, and there were a number of people I feel close to and love. I came there with someone i get together with a little now and then, and I got to see her become part of the bunch of people I know and love, got to see her share her deep intense gaze with someone else, and all I could do was to smile, it looked so beautiful.

Moments later, I sank into myself a bit and looked around, watching all those that were there, contemplating a face here, feeling someone's presence there, listening to the buzz of people talking with each other, catching a few words in a conversation that went back to becoming part of the buzz. The ebergy was calm, safe with lots of life, flow and connection. In the middle of this, when I just let it flow over and through me and found myself relax into it, I realised, in the deepest of me, that this is truly my pack, my tribe. I've put this in words before, but this time, the feeling came from really deep inside.

This is my pack, this is my tribe. This is where I enjoy myself, this is where I live like I don't elsewhere. Here, I can be real.

My pack. My tribe.

[This is a translation of what I wrote here]

Posted Dec 8, 2010, 3:33:45 PM +0100 | Tags: poly

A little time ago, I set up a web site for future poly conferenses in Sweden, and distracted myself with pictures that google had found... and found a few I like.
Actually, I'd love one of these...

Posted Nov 22, 2010, 9:13:36 PM +0100 | Tags: poly

"... my girlfr... well, flirt, really..." --- I said that in the middle of a sentence, a bit more than a month ago, back when I still wasn't quite sure how I felt; after all, it wasn't long before that I was confused and was trying to see how my body reacts.

A month ago exactly today, she and I had an evening together, and I mentioned this (I was a bit shy)... with a look of anticipation on her eyes, she asked me if I wanted her to be my girlfriend. Yes, I did, and yes, I do.

A month goes quickly sometimes :-) . Today is a bit special, thusly.

There really is something about Twilight, and I think I'm starting to see how.

Posted Jun 17, 2010, 1:47:26 PM +0200 | Tags: poly

To see all of them, check the archive-poly.

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