This feed contains the 10 most recent pages in the "emotions" category.

He came to visit, bringing a beautiful bouquet of flowers, being quite nice and all, and flirting respectfully (he clearly sensed that I had some kind of limit)...

Although he says that he came without expectations (which I believe), his emotions seem clear, the approaches are unmistakable although discrete, and there's a glimmer of hope in his energy.
... and I keep listening to my own emotions, and all they tell me is that they don't match his... even though I was a bit cuddly in moments.
... and I find myself trapped in fear of telling him this, fear of his disappointment... and I believe that I would very much like to be friends with him, and I'm afraid of losing the opportunity.

He left with an open invitation to visit him sometime in the (near, I suppose) future. I did say that it would be interesting, and yet again, I hope that doesn't further his hopes into something I don't intend.

How does one say "no" and "yes" at the same time?

Posted Jun 30, 2010 6:22:34 PM +0200 | Tags: emotions

The feeling of her hands in mine... noticing small details, wondering, exploring... just there, in the café, close, every cell noticing, warming up, electric and soft... hands on legs, just being...
Walking from the café for a bit, hand in hand... looking at our interlocked fingers and noticing the feeling, the streams of energy passing between us, noticing how comfortable I felt, how I could stay like that...
A soft goodbye kiss that reaches deep, not wanting to let got for a moment, keeping the touch.

When I don't know my emotions, when I can't put words to them, my body will sometimes tell me... the feeling of the touch, the lingering, keeping close, wanting... this tells me more than words can express. Maybe I should put my doubts to rest, trust my body without the need to decide.

Let my body decide.

Posted Apr 24, 2010 8:44:22 PM +0200 | Tags: emotions

It's confusing when I catch emotions from someone that is close and don't even notice it, not being able to separate them from my own.

It's also confusing when someone is getting closer while I'm deeply affected by a relationship with someone else tranformed.

What emotions belong where? Who am I with one? Who am I with the other? Who am I with everyone else? Are emotions I'm having now also emotions I'm going to have tomorrow? Are they really what they are with that specific person or are they really for someone else? Are they genuine or just something that is there because of what and who I'm missing?

I know for sure about emotions that have built up over long time, they are there, strong, immense even, and really there... it's all that's new, that hasn't really found a grounding yet, that's a confusing mess.

I need to sort all this out. In the mean time, I'm being cautious, not letting myself just go entirely, not wanting to say something that's not really true if I can help it... I've expressed an interest, but cautiously, with care, so it's clear where I am, as far as I can tell.

Posted Apr 23, 2010 12:18:39 PM +0200 | Tags: emotions

I've recently learned that silence is scary in some cases. Fucking scary. If a person that's (very) close to me and with whom I usually have a tight connection (even just for chit chats or just virtual hug) suddenly falls silent, xe "disappears" in my mind, sails away past the horizon... It takes me a few days to get to this state of mind with someone that close, but I do get there eventually...

This is fairly new to me, I can't recall having experienced this before, not in this manner... or maybe I've exceedingly patient before and am not any longer? God knows I've been patient to a point that I was hurting myself, so in a way, it's good that I sense this these days, that the connections affect me this way. More... life?

Still, scary.

Posted Mar 17, 2010 6:18:22 PM +0100 | Tags: emotions

This is ages ago... 20 years ago, almost exactly! Still, I remember it well.

D went on a trip with a friend (B), gone for a week, or was it two? Anyway, shortly after they came back, we all got together, and that's when D want to talk a little bit... and she told me that B had asked her to mary him... and I think she wanted to make sure I was ok with it somehow and... but most of all, I simply think she wanted to be honest with me as soon as possible...

Looking back, I took it very well. Sure, I was sad because I felt like I had lost her, but our relationship wasn't the best at the time, I think it was slowly dying off. So, sad I was, but still cared for her as a friend... enough to be her best man (or whatever it's called) at their wedding, and spending time with them both later on, quite easily.

At this point, I believe many would be screaming with anger, just hearing this story. And some might view me as pretty damn weak, and maybe I was, I really don't know.

The striking thing, though, is that while thinking about this yesterday, I realised that D had been unfaithful with me (we did live a monogamous relationship, although we never got married). I had never even thought of it in these terms before yesterday, and even today, thinking back, I can't see even the tiniest bit of jealousy. I was angry, yes, but that was for being abandoned, not much else. I truly had no problems with them getting together.

Makes me wonder...
Makes me wonder about me and jealousy.
Makes me wonder about me and forms of relationships.

Posted Mar 17, 2010 2:48:22 PM +0100 | Tags: emotions

Emotions are running amoc in me, pictures coming and going. Hopeful, hopeless, trusting, distrusting, in love, envious, happy, unhappy, focused, unfocused, images flicking through my mind, all refusing to let themselves be sorted, felt through, analysed, just remaining there on the edge of what I can reach, on the edge between what's visible and what becomes invisible in the fog that surrounds me (1).

No, I don't believe I'm seriously unstable. This will pass, things will settle down, the future will show me what's real and what's not. I trust that. In the mean time, though, being in this state of mind is quite a piece of work. And yet, I know I have it easy.

Hopefully, dancing this evening will ground me a bit.

  1. there's actually fog surrounding me, surrounding the place I am. Beautiful fog, I actually like it, the physical fog that adds mystery to the environment... the fog in my mind, thought, is something else... ↩

Posted Feb 26, 2010 3:41:58 PM +0100 | Tags: emotions

To see all of them, check the archive-emotions.

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