This is a topic that I haven't talked much about, at least here. I have referred to family a few times, but that's not really talking about. Anna and I tagged each other as family on facebook, but did we really talk about what it truly means to us? I'm not sure.

I know I've talked about the meaning of family, both as a concept and as what it means to us personally with some of my previous partners, but that was a few years ago, and maybe it's time to reevaluate, or possibly regurgitate some thoughts on it.

So... why now? Why am I thinking of it now? ... well... it's a bit amusing, really, 'cause this was triggered by a (very good) analysis of Game of Thrones. The analysis talks about an aspect of the series that really goes through it all from the very start; "family" and all the different meanings that it can have. All those descriptions touched something inside, both an aspect of desires that I have and the sense of deeper loss that I currently experience.

In many ways, "family" has felt like a foreign concept to me... or rather, the way so many use it, as strong bonds in a group of people governed by blood lines has always been kind of weird in my mind. Sure, I can understand it as a description of blood ties, but this is emotionally meaningless to me. This is really most probably a rejection that I do based on the fairly dysfunctional relationship with my mom.

From having accepted the blood line concept of family, simply because I didn't know of any alternative, to having gone through a number of relationships where I didn't really get a sense of strong bonds with the group based on blood (not even with Lisa), I came to start talking about alternative interpretations of family not many years ago. The term "chosen family" was mentioned...

Chosen family is a concept I can grasp much more easily than "blood family". I find choice in itself very attractive, so there's no wonder, really, but that's not all. I find much greater value in strong bonds that are formed by desire, love, attraction, spirit and so on than any blood ties. It's about people that I choose to have in my life and that I strongly want to stay a major part of my life and stay close.
Does this mean that I look down on people that use the concept of blood ties? Nope, not in the least. I do feel sorry for those who look at blood ties but aren't comfortable with their blood family, it's true. However, I know quite a number of people who have very stong and beautiful relationships with their blood family, to the point that it's obviously also a family they choose. To be honest, I often envy them.

Something I've come to realise is that I'm really still looking. If there's anything I'm searching for, it's for a family.
And I know, some will yell at me and tell me that I Have A Family, and it's true, I do... by blood, and I'm sorry to say that that in and of itself isn't enough for me.
And I know, some will softly remind me that I do have a family, in friends that I keep close. And it's true, I do, there are a select few that I know for certain will always be around me and that I keep close, at least in my mind.
However, the family that I'm also searching for is the one formed by a loving relationship and what comes with it... and there are times when I think I've found it, and that is probably one of the many reasons why the end of the latest deeper relationship has been so devastating... 'cause I think I caught a deeper sense of family there, and it currently feels like family lost.

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