... and life has changed a lot.

Actually, there's a little bit too much life right now, so to say. I've a few things that I have to finish and release, and it's taking some time and a lot of energy, and meanwhile, the universe is regularly poking at me with new possibilities, new situations to be aware of, take care of and integrate somehow. I've opened up a lot to life, and it seems like life is pouring into me relentlessly, and there are moments when I wonder when enough will be enough and I will have to close myself a little, and at the same time, I really don't want to go there.

So, what's happened so far?

Well, for starters, Eva and I broke up almost two months ago. Very amicably, it was actually the most well grounded and well processed ending I've ever experienced. I have had my reaction afterwards, with a lot of opening up and releases of old angers, sorrows and other crap as a result, and a bit of longing back to her, as she is and will continue to be a fantastic woman that I hold in very high regard, she has been She (using the way Bernie Prior describes a deep relationship between man and woman). It's taken a while for me to trust that there is anyone else in the world for me, but I'm getting there. It's been quite a trip going through all the emotions that have gone through me for the last 6 or 7 weeks.
The separation is not completed at this point. We've just started seeing each other again and go into a friendship, and there are some bumps to overcome before it becomes well grounded.

I've (re-)discovered (on a deeper level) that I'm afraid of being alone and that I have an abandonment issue. This explains the pattern I've had through most of my adult life, to start a new relationship more or less immediately after the old one has ended. My response now is to refuse to start anything new before I've processed the fear of being alone, something I plan to do by putting myself into situations where I am alone with just myself, see and process what comes up, one at a time, on my own or with the help of supporting friends. I expect that more emotions will come up.

Those two alone are enough for me to realise and decide that I have to pace myself, and that a new relationship is far away. Months? Years? I really have no clue whatsoever.

Opening up and releasing old crap have a lot of positive effects. I've a much deeper appreciation for life and beauty around me, and trust you me, if you just take the time to look, there's a lot of beauty around us! And life becomes quite simple, a greater flow, all I have to do is follow it and do things that promote flow. Of course, there's still a bit to go before I do that fully, but it's still a step.

Meanwhile, the universe keeps reminding me that there is potential out there... or testing my resolve, I really don't know which. I get people enough inside my awareness to create a disturbance (in a mostly positive way ;-) ) and cause me to re-evaluate my resolve. So far, my resolve is strong enough, finishing the separation with Eva and resolving my fear of being alone take absolute priority, and are quite a lot of work in themselves. At the same time, I don't want to reject possibilities entirely, and this is the point where it's becoming quite a number of threads for me to keep track of... or to release them and let them decide entirely on their own what they want. Thing is, I really want to scream to the universe "Please SHUT THE FUCK UP, just for a moment!" And still, I know that if the universe was human, it would just laugh. The decision is still mine, as is how I handle things, how I let go of control, how I stay with my resolve. And when I feel strong, those are not a problem, not in the least... It's just when I falter that it becomes tough.
Sometimes, I'm longing for a friend that can catch me when I fall, hold me, comfort me and help me restore my energy. That's the 6 year old in me speaking...

It feels good writing about this.

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