So we talked. To start with, I feel blessed being with Eva yesterday, she's really a goddess! No blame games, no fucking guilt trips, none of that crap. Just talking about emotions, desires and what we each want and don't want. In the midst of it all, there was some crying and display of anger, of course, but still in a manner where it was clear who owns those feelings and those reactions. That in itself is just marvellous.

A few things became clear:

  • We're not going to rush things. After all, it's only been less than three days by now since my realisation, and that realisation in itself may not be as clear and solid as it seemed at first.
  • We're both gonna talk with a third wise person (incidently, the same :-) ) to try to figure out what really lies behind this, what qualities it is that I'm looking for for me, and for Eva, whatever she needs to figure out.
  • That the whole situation isn't as clear as I first saw it.

As part of getting an indication of where we're going, we both layed a Tarrot (and let me be very clear from the start; I don't give a flying fuck what you believe in, and if you're tempted to laugh at me or be full of scorn, I think you should go screw yourself first. I'm way too sensitive to deal with your bullshit right now). What matters is not so much the cards, but rather the questions and insights that catch my eye, that are important to me in the context of the situation at hand. The ones I wrote up so I can explore them more deeply are:

The Empress, as answer to "What comes in the future?"
Advice: Visualise your ideal woman! Write down her most important qualities! Try to find these in others and in yourself. Suround yourself with beauty and abundance.
Queen of Swords, as answer to "What needs to be done?"
Question: What old "altars" exist in your vicinity and in your life right now? Do you have the courage to destroy them?
Advise: Look inside yourself, see if your revolt is grounded in love.
Knight of Cups, as answer to "What's the strengthening or destructive energi from outside?"
Implies: You're longing for an intense exchange with like-minded peers.
Question: How can you enrich the exchange in your relationships?
Advice: Look for your true family, the circle of people where you feel most at home. That's where you will find the kind of exchange that you're longing for.
King of Swords, as answer to "What's your biggest hope or biggest fear?"
Question: What convictions, feelings, relationships or fixed ideas do you let yourself be limited by?
Suggestion: Learn about creative visualisation. Read Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain.


So, I've been thinking, partly about what my ideal woman is, and partly what I'm longing for. I'm far from done, there is more coming, but at least, this is a start.

Also, The thoughts and questions that came with the Queen and the King of Swords are definitely related. I'm already on a path of destroying old "altars" (in other words, old forms, old habits, old traditions that simply do not apply to me any more), but the question that comes with the King of Swords is very enlightening. Am I just replacing one "altar" with another? That's a very good question.

My ideal woman is free (free of all the "shoulds" and "musts" that come unto is from parts of society, free as in no bullshit, and free as in no unspoken dependencies), loving (in general, not just reserved to me), sexual, understanding, soft (no dominatrix for me! :)), knows what she wants and can express it, enjoys the simple things in life, beautiful (in my eyes, of course, which doesn't agree with the common bullshit view on beauty most of the times), willing to talk (I mean really talk), polyamorous or at least willing to accept it, willing to explore life with me...

I'm actually longing for a few things that I never really had in my life:

  • I see myself as polyamorous, but I've never really, truly lived polyamorously, I've just had small moments that were experimental of sorts, but nothing more, and I didn't handle it very well at all toward my then wife. So living it is an experience I long for.
  • I'm discovering, as I'm waking up more and more from years of emotional numbness, that I've a sexual appetite that I never knew existed. I can easily imagine myself in quite a few scenarios, some of them quite depraved (or maybe that's kinky?), in the common views of sexual experience.
    I find myself looking back at my teens, and regretting that I never got to experience the wilder and relatively free sex that seems to be fairly common in that age (I was a complete virgin until I was 21). Some will tell me that I should be happy I didn't do that, but you know, I don't give a rat's ass. It's an experience that I feel the lack of. Wild sex.

When (and if...) I've experienced those things, truly and fully, I have no idea what would come next. Maybe I would simply return to my current self, satisfied with those experiences and what I learn from them? Maybe it would be a very sharp change of paths? Who the hell knows?

The real question is, should I pursue those longings? They are pretty powerful, so I can't just turn my back at them and pretend they aren't there. Question is if I can experience some of it in my current relationship or if I need to make radical changes for it to happen? Hold on, I'm not done! It may look like those two longings aren't related, but what if they are? What if my longing for polyamory is really a sexual desire? I currently don't believe so, but I can't deny the possibility either! I simply do not know.

So here I am, with a few more answers, and some new questions.


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