It's been a long time since I talked about polyamory (see this entry). Part of it was that I decided to get into a relationship with a woman that doesn't want polyamory in her life (see this entry), for reasons I could respect.

Today, I'm asking myself if I made the best choice. Well, for the time that has been, it has been a good choice, there's no doubt about it. Today, however, I'm wondering if I really should stay with that choice, or if that's just an adaptation based on habit rather than what I want with my life. In other words, is my current situation part of my true self or am I adapting to Eva's choice? I've talked about adaptation and how poisonous it can be before...

The part that really triggered these thoughts is that I'm noticing that I'm smitten with another woman. Noone knows it yet (well, that was true until you read this, dear readers :-) ), and up until a few days ago, neither did I, although I realise that I've hidden away this emotion for a while, even from myself. But today, my heart is bursting, and I feel limited by my own choice to have a monoamorous relationship.

So what do I do with this? Dunno, really, except I have a choice. I could bottle up those new feelings, pretend they aren't there. But then I'm living a lie, so that's not a good choice. Next choice, is to acknowlege those feelings and talk about it with Eva. The tough part is that I expect to lose her in that case. Are there more choices? Previously, I was certain I could channel those emotions by being a really good friend, but what I discovered was that while doing exactly that, I felt like I was bursting and had to fight hard not to smooch her! So either I'm not strong enough, or the life choice I've made is terribly wrong. The way it feels right now, it seems like the latter is the correct guess.

Either way, before I do anything else, I need to talk with Eva. I'm not going to do the same stupid mistake of keeping silent as I did with my ex. Even if it feels tough in the moment, it's better to tell the truth as it looks to me than not saying anything and living a lie. But boy, does it feel tough.

Update: You know, I'm realising that this entry seems to be about going from one woman to another. It's not. It's just that through this situation, I'm not sure any more if monoamory is the right thing for me. After all, this other woman doesn't know (well, I haven't said anything to her yet, although she may have guessed), so I'm also taking the risk of ending up single!

The point is that I can't see a real reason for me to limit myself to one any more. That's what this is really about.

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