I've tried to keep a little too many things in my head lately. Christmas, my trip to Boston in a few days, an attack and trying not to get too caught up in it, making sure the cat has a keeper while I'm away, getting my brother in touch with a possible future friend, helping my parents record a small video for Jacob, changing the damn tires, worrying about a little bit of politics at work, worrying about getting everything that I need to get done in time for the trip, attempting to contemplate life a little bit, trying to remember all the other things that were planned for the weekend... Of course, with my record, it was bound to happen, that I'd lose a thread or two. I forgot to call my woman... And FUCK it hurts. And of course she's pissed. I was gonna see her this evening, but she wanted none of it.

Of course, I wonder what'll happen tomorrow. We are both invited to her mom's, with the rest of her family, for 1st of Advent (uhmm, it's at least a Swedish thing, I've no idea how it works anywhere else). I've no clue what the mood will be, and my mind keeps coming up with the same scenario, that we'll go there with a grudge.

Yeah, that's me losing faith. And this is old history coming again. Fuck! I do not like it when I'm in this state, with that same loss of confidence, both in myself and her. And she doesn't deserve that I lose confidence in her, really, I do see that, at least intellectually. And at the same time, there's that gnawing feeling in my chest that doesn't go away.

After all, a fight is just a fight. If you can take it the right way and are open, it's a learning experience. You discover things about yourself and about your partner, and with a bit of focus, you can grow one more step together. But I don't feel that I'm that open for the moment. And I'm falling asleep, so maybe I'd better just go to bed, call her in the morning when I'm a bit more lucid...

Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. And yeah, I know, it's a bit of a cop-out as well. Still, that's what seems to be the best right now, as I'm starting to have trouble writing coherintly.

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