<p>ⓒ Richard Levitte</p>
http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/relationships/Richard Levitte's journalikiwiki2013-07-20T18:58:42ZCrossroad...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/crossroads/2013-07-20T18:58:42Z2013-07-20T18:57:46Z
<p>I'm at a crossroad in life, one of those possible decisive key
moments.<br />
Which path will I choose? In a way, the choice is already made, my
heart is pointing in one direction, clearly and with no hesitation
whatsoever. It's a life changing direction, and I welcome it with
all my heart if it happens.</p>
The harshest thing...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/the-harshest-thing/2013-06-18T16:03:29Z2013-06-17T20:55:13Z
<p>The harshest thing to realise is that one's not ready and that
one's catching that way late.</p>
<p>It started yesterday, with yet an emotional crisis, and I'm
realising that regardless of if <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/relationships/../../entries/a-spark/">that possibility</a> was a spark for
something fantastic or really "just a tango crush", I'm not ready
for someone new... except for friendship.</p>
<p>I really need to remind myself to take an extra good look at
myself next time I have a crush. That, or take the kind of shit
that follows when I realise a few weeks later that I'm not really
ready.</p>
<p>Gah!</p>
<hr />
<p>UPDATE: I just had a talk with this person I had that short
crush on, basically going for <a href=
"http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/LJBF">LJBF</a>. She took it well, in
a very balanced way. That's something I really appreciate.</p>
Family...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/family/2013-07-14T08:20:08Z2013-06-17T08:18:37Z
<p>This is a topic that I haven't talked much about, at least here.
I have referred to family a few times, but that's not really
talking about. <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AnL/" rel=
'friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Anna</a> and I tagged each other as
family on facebook, but did we really talk about what it truly
means to us? I'm not sure.</p>
<p>I know I've talked about the meaning of family, both as a
concept and as what it means to us personally with some of my
previous partners, but that was a few years ago, and maybe it's
time to reevaluate, or possibly regurgitate some thoughts on
it.</p>
<p>So... why now? Why am I thinking of it now? ... well... it's a
bit amusing, really, 'cause this was triggered by a (very good)
<a href=
"http://unaffiliatedcritic.com/2013/06/game-of-thrones-s03e10-mhysa">
analysis of Game of Thrones</a>. The analysis talks about an aspect
of the series that really goes through it all from the very start;
"family" and all the different meanings that it can have. All those
descriptions touched something inside, both an aspect of desires
that I have and the sense of deeper loss that I currently
experience.</p>
<hr />
<p>In many ways, "family" has felt like a foreign concept to me...
or rather, the way so many use it, as strong bonds in a group of
people governed by blood lines has always been kind of weird in my
mind. Sure, I can understand it as a description of blood ties, but
this is emotionally meaningless to me. This is really most probably
a rejection that I do based on the <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/relationships/../../entries/me-and-mom/">fairly dysfunctional relationship with
my mom</a>.</p>
<p>From having accepted the blood line concept of family, simply
because I didn't know of any alternative, to having gone through a
number of relationships where I didn't really get a sense of strong
bonds with the group based on blood (not even with <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/" rel='friend ex-spouse met'>Lisa</a>), I came to
start talking about alternative interpretations of family not many
years ago. The term "chosen family" was mentioned...</p>
<p>Chosen family is a concept I can grasp much more easily than
"blood family". I find choice in itself very attractive, so there's
no wonder, really, but that's not all. I find much greater value in
strong bonds that are formed by desire, love, attraction, spirit
and so on than any blood ties. It's about people that I choose to
have in my life and that I strongly want to stay a major part of my
life and stay close.<br />
Does this mean that I look down on people that use the concept of
blood ties? Nope, not in the least. I do feel sorry for those who
look at blood ties but aren't comfortable with their blood family,
it's true. However, I know quite a number of people who have very
stong and beautiful relationships with their blood family, to the
point that it's obviously also a family they choose. To be honest,
I often envy them.</p>
<p>Something I've come to realise is that I'm really still looking.
If there's anything I'm searching for, it's for a family.<br />
And I know, some will yell at me and tell me that <em>I Have A
Family</em>, and it's true, I do... by blood, and I'm sorry to say
that that in and of itself isn't enough for me.<br />
And I know, some will softly remind me that I do have a family, in
friends that I keep close. And it's true, I do, there are a select
few that I know for certain will always be around me and that I
keep close, at least in my mind.<br />
However, the family that I'm also searching for is the one formed
by a loving relationship and what comes with it... and there are
times when I think I've found it, and that is probably one of the
many reasons why the end of the latest deeper relationship has been
so devastating... 'cause I think I caught a deeper sense of family
there, and it currently feels like family lost.</p>
Do I have to?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/do-I-have-to/2013-06-16T06:15:11Z2013-06-16T06:15:11Z
<p><em>This is a blog entry transfered here from a poly
forum</em></p>
<p>Some days, I wonder if I <em>have</em> to live a poly life.
What's forcing me? Of course, one could as well as if I
<em>have</em> to live a mono life. What's forcing me?</p>
<p>After all, I don't really believe in "<em>have</em> to"...</p>
<hr />
<p>As things are right now, I can say that I have to. I have a
close relationship that I don't want to let go of. It's explicitely
poly, and structured in such a way that there's ample space for at
least one more relationship <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/relationships/#fn:notnow" id="fnref:notnow"
class="footnote" name="fnref:notnow">1</a>. There simply isn't
space for a mono relationship.</p>
<p>However, should I speculate a bit, I can imagine myself in a
situation when I'm single (really, have no close/romatic/sexual
relationships at all), get head over heels in love and believe it
could turn into a long relationship <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/relationships/#fn:long" id=
"fnref:long" class="footnote" name="fnref:long">2</a>, and the
question is what my choice will be. I'll talk about poly, of
course... but would I be stiff-necked about it? What's worth more,
to stick to a certain form no matter what ot to welcome love in my
life regardless of form?</p>
<p>It's been a long while since I asked myself these questions,
it's been a few years when poly was so much the obvious right
choice that I really couldn't picture anything else. But today? I
really can't say for sure... I know that I wish for it, but should
it really be such a strong priority?</p>
<hr />
<div class="footnotes">
<hr />
<ol>
<li id="fn:notnow">
<p>Until recently, I believed that there was no speace in my heart
for another close relationship, that my heart needed healing first.
Today, I'm not entirely sure... my heart does need healing still,
but it seems like there's still space, perhaps. Either way, this
doesn't stop me from speculating about the future, however far that
might be.<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/relationships/#fnref:notnow" class=
"reversefootnote"> ↩</a></p>
</li>
<li id="fn:long">
<p>I think I've become a lot more picky; I believe that it'll take
some encounters, some flirting, some talking, some exploration
before I start believing in something greater.<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/relationships/#fnref:long"
class="reversefootnote"> ↩</a></p>
</li>
</ol>
</div>
Give up after all...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/give-up-after-all/2013-05-10T12:00:00Z2013-05-10T12:00:00Z
<p>After lots of talking, after putting all my emotions on display
as clearly as possible, I've finally realised that what I wanted is
just not possible, there is no reciprocity on that level for at
least the foreseeable future.</p>
<p>So, in spite of all the thought of <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/relationships/../../entries/dont-give-up/">not giving up</a>, there is a point
where one may have to, where continuing is destructive and just
pushes away what I still want in life. I did <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/relationships/../../entries/give-it-a-try/">give it a good try</a>, though.</p>
<p>So I change path. Emotions still there in the big scheme of
thing, but redirected toward friendship only.</p>
Love of my life...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/loml/2013-04-28T21:22:24Z2013-04-18T22:10:38Z
<p>It's absurd to realise that I may have found someone I'd call a
Love Of My Life... after we've broken up.</p>
<p><em>(it's nice, though, to know how it feels... this is a new
feeling)</em></p>
Relationships... why?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/why-relationships/2013-04-13T20:21:09Z2013-04-13T20:21:09Z
<p>I seldom go for bitterness, and I'm not sure this is it
either...</p>
<p>But... relationships. I questioned the value of relationships
today (you know, romantic/sexual, loving, all that... 'cause yeah,
I know that simple friendship is a relationship as well!). Still
do.</p>
<p>Here's the deal, I've lived through a number of relationships.
The first three were 5 years long. Almost exactly in some cases.
After that, all have been somewhere between 1½ and almost 3
years... short, short, short, short, short.</p>
<p>Yeah, I know, there are those who read this that will tell me 5
years is pretty long... and I guess it is.</p>
<p>But you see, I'm longing for something else. For something long.
I once watched <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/UlE/" rel=
'friend kin met'>Ulrika</a> when she was telling a story of an old
memory that was kind of a marking tale of her husband, and I could
see her eyes look into the distance, glazing over. It was obviously
a very dear memory, and one that seemed to define her relationship
with her husband... and I was envious! At the time, this memory was
a bit more than 10 years old.<br />
This is the kind of relationship I long for... and haven't been
able to maintain.</p>
<p>I can't say what it is I'm doing to always have these fairly
short relationships. I think that among others, I haven't really
done much to build for length. I wish I had, but more seriously,
it's something I want to do better in the future (and yeah, I've
some thoughts on how).</p>
<p>Trouble is that, I realise I'm pretty damn selective. This isn't
something I'll do with just anyone, it will take someone that I
believe it really would work with. And as it is right now, the one
person I currently know that I would like to do so with... that's
just not something that'll happen any time soon.</p>
<p>But then also, I'm tired.<br />
I'm tired of the whole meeting, flirting, bonding, getting
together, crashing cycle. I think I've lost the desire to start
something new, getting to know a new person, all of that. I find it
hard to believe that I will get any better... I guess this is where
bitterness sets in.</p>
<p>So, someone remind me... this whole relationship thing. Why? Why
should I?</p>
My life...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/my-life/2013-03-20T11:35:00Z2013-03-20T11:35:00Z
<p>I'm starting to get tired... or maybe it's just a momentary
thing. I can't know that for sure, but that's how I feel for the
moment.</p>
<p>I'm starting to get tired of relationships... or perhaps not of
relationships in themselves, but how things have been going lately.
They've been a bit quick, most of the relationships I've had of
late, and I'm starting to tire of the game we play, hooking up,
attaching, ending. Most of all, I'm tired of all the ends, they
seem to tear me apart as of late. I seem to attach pretty strongly,
to make strong ties within myself (and perhaps I'm not showing
those ties well enough).</p>
<p>So I'm tired, I have no real desire to start anything new, or to
maintain relationships where I don't feel a real drive.</p>
<p>I've told myself that maybe I'm just not cut for very long
relationships, that short moments may be what's in for me, that
maybe I should simply give in to how things are and work with that
flow. However, the tragic part is that if I keep that in mind, I
doubt that I would give myself fully, that I would get real close.
Anticipation of an end does that, it builds a distance, it builds a
thin wall. I really have no desire for that sort of life.<br />
Sure, I can play, but does that fill me? Not really, not as far as
I can see for the moment.</p>
<p>This mood that I'm in is, of course, affected by how life has
been lately. Not bitternes, rather a strong look at how my life has
been, what felt meaningful and what did less so, and looking at
what I might really desire.</p>
<p>It's time for a cleanup in my life. Take out the clutter, keep
what has meaning, stay with what I desire, let the rest go. And
wait, for what might come, for who might appear (again?), with all
the love I can feel and show. No rush.</p>
Important peoplehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/important-people/2013-03-14T02:32:18Z2013-03-14T02:32:18Z
<p>Thinking about my <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/relationships/../../entries/ended-once-more/">current status</a>, and seeing
some similarities with how I felt in <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/relationships/../../entries/ended-2/">another similar time</a>, I've come to
realise that there a few people who retain a very important
presence in my life, of the kind that extends beyond the time of a
committed relationship.<br />
All I want to say to those is that you're welcome in my life and
will always be as far as I can see (and I look far). You'll always
be welcome in my home.</p>
Belonging...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/belonging/2013-03-14T03:21:21Z2013-03-14T01:25:22Z
<p>For a few days now, I've been trying to find what the essential
quality of a committed relationship, being together, is to me.</p>
<p>I've often expressed how "being together" contains components
like a willingness to spend time together more than you would
otherwise, a willingness to share your lives with each others, a
willingness to express and accept some expectations from each
others, a hightened connection... and while these components are
important, and while there is a need to talk about them in a new
relationship, they don't really reach the depth of what being
together really mean, to me. They don't explain the excruciating
pain of a close and important relationship that comes to an end,
this feeling of having parts of your guts ripped out of your
body.</p>
<p>A friend and I talked earlier today, and while I can't quite
remember how this came about, there's this one word that stuck to
my mind. It's a word I know very well, I've heard it before... and
yet, I've kept forgetting it, I've kept forgetting its
existence.</p>
<p><strong>Belonging</strong></p>
<p>Belonging with someone(s), this quality that fills my heart and
my body... and leaves a hole when the relationship ends.</p>
<p>Why has it taken all this time to accept this word (or has it,
have I just forgotten?)? I can't really say for sure now, but...
I've shied from expressions like "you're mine", "I'm yours" before,
in fear of feeling caged in, in fear of having my oh so important
freedom taken away from me. But really, this sense of belonging
doesn't really say more than that. It doesn't automatically mean
that you have to act according to certain standards. It doesn't
inherently mean exclusivity, living in the same home, spending all
evenings together. The choice of what we want to do together, with
each others, is still a choice, something to express and agree
upon.</p>
<p>I think I'm finally realising that expressing a sense of
belonging doesn't take away my freedom. It doesn't change my
actions, my reasoning, my emotions. It's simply a quality of how I
feel when I'm with somebody.</p>