"Make sure that ..."
That's all it took for my enthusiasm to dwiddle and faint. Performance anxiety and guilt hit me like a sledge hammer.

"bad father, bad father..." echoing in my mind

And all I want is to be there for his 10th birthday. I haven't seen him for 2 years, finances just haven't been there.

"bad father, bad father..." whispering in my mind

Should I listen to him, talking each time about what he wants to show me when I come over (with no further saying of when that would be)?
Should I listen to her, talking about how I must make sure that..., and let that stop me unless I can fulfill the apparent demands?

"bad father, bad father..." loudly in my mind

The darkness tells me, whispering, that maybe, just maybe, the best would be not to go, for all the expectations that it would otherwise awaken and potentially be broken.

"bad father, bad father..." echoing in my mind

I seek her approval, it's quite obvious now. Do I need to? Dunno. Why? Dunno, but the dynamic has been such for a long time.

"bad father, bad father..." trikeling in my mind, like a poison

Be still, mind, shut the hell up for a bit, stop poisoning me. I cannot endure this, I cannot see through the fog unless you shut the hell up for a bit.

...

Thank you.