"One well defined, and then three that I've started to count on"

I said this to him when prompted... and while it's been a fleeting thought for some time, I've been keeping it to myself, unsure...
Hearing myself utter those words, though, made it more true, more visible somehow.

A little now and then, a bunch of polys (definitionists, hedonists, anarchists, ...) that know each other or are aquainted somehow get together at a café here in Stockholm. We spend time together, maybe we get to meet a new person, maybe we get som new perspectives, hug a lot or cuddle in corner or three. The place has a couple of couches and a number of people are quite cuddly, it really lends itself to that.

Yesterday was one of those times. We were quite a bunch, so we invaded one of the rooms, and there were a number of people I feel close to and love. I came there with someone i get together with a little now and then, and I got to see her become part of the bunch of people I know and love, got to see her share her deep intense gaze with someone else, and all I could do was to smile, it looked so beautiful.

Moments later, I sank into myself a bit and looked around, watching all those that were there, contemplating a face here, feeling someone's presence there, listening to the buzz of people talking with each other, catching a few words in a conversation that went back to becoming part of the buzz. The ebergy was calm, safe with lots of life, flow and connection. In the middle of this, when I just let it flow over and through me and found myself relax into it, I realised, in the deepest of me, that this is truly my pack, my tribe. I've put this in words before, but this time, the feeling came from really deep inside.

This is my pack, this is my tribe. This is where I enjoy myself, this is where I live like I don't elsewhere. Here, I can be real.

My pack. My tribe.

[This is a translation of what I wrote here]

A little time ago, I set up a web site for future poly conferenses in Sweden, and distracted myself with pictures that google had found... and found a few I like.

Actually, I'd love one of these...

"... my girlfr... well, flirt, really..." --- I said that in the middle of a sentence, a bit more than a month ago, back when I still wasn't quite sure how I felt; after all, it wasn't long before that I was confused and was trying to see how my body reacts.

A month ago exactly today, she and I had an evening together, and I mentioned this (I was a bit shy)... with a look of anticipation on her eyes, she asked me if I wanted her to be my girlfriend. Yes, I did, and yes, I do.

A month goes quickly sometimes . Today is a bit special, thusly.

There really is something about Twilight, and I think I'm starting to see how.

I've heard so many discussions going like "monoamory is this while polyamory is that", and I'm getting increasingly tired of it.

I've heard things like "poly is about sex" followed by a definition of relationships where sex is seen as a glue that keeps it together. Well, d'uh, in that case, mono is about sex as well.

We keep tossing arguments at each other that are really nonsensen, trying to make ourselves better than the other.
We get to see the 12 pillars of polyamory about all the virtues of polyamory, and there's probably something similar about all the virtues of monoamory...

And noone asks the question, the true question that underlies it all.

What is a relationship?

After all, that should be the basic thing to ask oneself. What is a relationship to you? Ask yourself that, in depth.
When you're done, you can start asking yourself if that's something you want to or are open to share with just one or with more than one... That's what I believe answers the question if you want to live mono or poly.

After all, it's not about sex. It's about relationships, which usually includes sex (not for asexuals, though), but isn't just about that, or rather, which is much more than just that.

Now, I'd so much love to see someone write "the NN pillars of relationships" and have that made in a neutral form that leaves the reader to choose between all available relationship forms, be it monoamory, polyamory, relationship anarchy or what not.

Let's stop this ridiculous battle and be truly open to each other's similarities and differences.

I read a blog entry filled with pain, emotion, trust and love that's so obviously meant for someone else, and I'm moved, deeply, for I get to witness a bit of the naked self of someone close. I feel warmth, I feel gratitude for being allowed to witness, I want to wrap her in my arms... and I dare not comment, because it would feel like I'm butting in on a private conversation that I'm only allowed to witness.

Or maybe... this is my comment, after all. On the side, as a thought and an emotion that's allowed to exist in parallel... discrete, yet visible.

A few days ago, at work, I had the following happening in a conversation, where we talked about partners...

Other man: You live with your girlfriend?
Me: One of them
Other man: Oh... how many...
Me: Two
Other man: They know about each other?
Me: Of course

What makes me happy here is that this man, that I didn't know at all (met him for the first time that day), didn't go assuming I was unfaithful and went on some kind of tirade, but instead simply asked if my partners know each other, and that was that. It's a first.

It's like feeling ripples on the water bounce somewhere and come back to you. "Poly" as a word seems to have taken on and started becoming mainstream...

There was this story that a friend of mine told Charlie; talking to a 17 years old guy and asking him if he knew what poly is, she got the answer that "sure, we've talked about it in school!".
That was three days ago, and I'm still getting a smile on my face, just from that.

But it's really not all, it's also the number of other lectures at Stockholm Pride 2009 that somehow seem to include the perspective of relationships with more than one.

To top it off, I'm going to attend to the lecture "Christian and Queer - How poly is God?" later today, a lecture done by the Christian Student Movement in Sweden, no less!

Sometimes I am afraid I'm taking things too far.
Sometimes my trust in the current words just goes away.
Sometimes I'm deeply afraid that by my actions, I will lose (again).
Sometimes I'm torturing myself with doubt.

But then, I realise that it's not about today, and it's not about those around me now. It's about ghosts from the past, it's about my history with other people, it's about hurts from long ago that come back and spook me when I least expect it. It's about things not yet entirely healed.

But maybe, through seeing quite clearly what happens and where it comes from, this will finally heal, as I look past my ghosts, as I take a clear look at the person in front of me, as I decide that yes, I can trust her words. And some day, this particular ghost will simply say goodbye and thanks for a good time.

Rest, little ghost, rest.

Making a surprise by spontaneously deciding to come watch a performance a partner is in sometimes takes a few people to get done. It gets interesting when it, in turn, involves one of the partner's exes, the other partner, one of the other partner's exes, and two friends that ex has in common with the partner I want to surprise.

The amount of love involved in making this happen overwhelmed me for a moment.

I suppose the above will generate more question marks than not...

Karin is part of a dance performance this evening, and I spontaneously thought that I want to go see, support, ...
Trying to find information about this performance was a bit hard, all I could find was that it was happening today(!).

I spoke to Charlie about it, and she suggested that I might want to call KE (one of Karin's exes) and see if she thought it would be a good idea (she knows Karin quite a bit more than I, after all), and if she had more information... She didn't have more information, but had a few ideas on how to get it, and was otherwise encouraging the idea.

A little later, Charlie had the idea that one of her exes, KJ, is friends with the boyfriend (P) of another of the dancer (BB) in that performance, and thought I should call him. So I called KJ, and he took it upon himself to call P and get back to me.
Somewhere here, I started to cry, for I was a bit overwhelmed and moved by everything that was getting done around me, just to help me with this surprise.
A little later, KJ came back with information directly from BB.

I now know when the performance starts and when I can get there and purchase my ticket.

This is a moment and an emotion for me to remember when I talk about poly things with people around me.