It seemed that F was getting more accepting. Lately, he's claimed to be poly-amorous, just not poly-sexual (which means in practice that it would force Åsa to stay physically on a friend's level). Well, that doesn't work well with Åsa's desires, so she's decided to give them a chance to grow more stable together before trying the poly route again, which means she's breaking away from everything poly for a time (until new years) and will make a new decision then.

The end result, of course, is that our relationship really is ended, at least in its current form. I've prepared myself for this possibility for a few days, silently sensing that things were at the very least shaky. This allowed us to have a very good even though difficult conversation on the phone about this.

I've decided to break off all contact with her for a few weeks, so I can work through releasing the ties I had built up and to change my relationship with her to that of a friend (I want to be able to get there). It wouldn't be fair, for her or for me, if I held on to a state of "waiting lover" under these circumstances, and releasing takes a bit of work and so does processing the sorrow.

Right now, I just feel sad. Anger will come as well, of course, but not yet. I wish I had a friend right here, right now, who could simply hug me.

Still, from the deepest of my heart, I wish Åsa the best of luck with whatever her life becomes and wherever it leads her.

I learned a new word in french; "polyvalence", which means multiple values or multiple functions, and it seems at least my mom applies it on polyamory.

"La vie polycalente"

If it really applies or not, I do not know. I've seen a message somewhere else that mentions it as well; "Polyamory, une polyvalence du désir, du plaisir", which is about desire and pleasure, which, while certainly part of love, isn't all of love.

I guess I'll discover more about this new word as time goes...

Someone, by asking me what my lingustic "home" is, had me realise that I'm not only polyamorous, I'm polylingual as well!

(I handle Swedish, English and French about as well or badly, I do not usually translate between them, I think in all three languages, and most of all, I dream in any of them)

The same question can really be asked about any action. Why do we do what we do, why do we make certain big decisions.

In my case, it's about coming out as poly and as bisexual, and it's currently happening at an increasing speed, or so it feels to me. As I've said earlier, part of it is a boost from my experience with Europride, but that's hardly all, this has been a slowly ongoing process that's kind of blooming right now.

The very basic driving force behind coming out is that I do not want to live a closed life any more. I do not want to worry about who knows what about me. I do not want to hide who I am. The only way I know to resolve this is to open up, to tell people around me who I am, and to acknowledge it for myself when doing so. This is all the more important when I find myself in situations where I end up being scared of consequences.

Last monday, a bit boosted by my experience of Europride, I "came out" as poly to a number of co-workers during lunch. It became an immediate decision to have that part entirely open, no hiding to anyone there any more.

This experience was surprisingly nice! And it came so naturally, as an answer to the question of what I had done during my vacation (yep, I took some time off for the Pride). Of course, there were the expected stupid jokes that are born out of ignorance and a reaction to things that are new, but still, the spirit was friendly and mainly filled with curiousity and a good level of respect in the serious questions.

A great experience, and much much much easier than I had imagined it would be.

Still, I've my parents left.

I had a date yesterday evening, at my place. No expectations whatsoever, just playing as I go, so to say, and getting whatever I can get, no set plan. The only thing I did to prepare was a little bit of cleanup and cooking dinner (a simple spinach and feta cheese pie, which she enjoyed :-)). The rest of the evening became lots of talking, mostly on her part.

Some might wonder what I got out of it, and she was worried that she would abuse my ... I think it was kindness that she referred to. But you know, just feeding someone and that being appreciated is a sacred thing in itself, and I enjoy that. And then, the talk was very much her opening up some things that are obviously painful, and opening up quite a lot of her vulnerability on a mental and emotional level, and that's nothing less than a precious gift. All I could do was listen a lot and take it all in.
Through all of that, she also saw a major part of who I am, and expressed it. I felt very much seen by her, and that's quite a gift as well.

I spent my morning thinking about this and letting the impressions sink in, and I just felt warm inside. I hope she feels the same.

Thank you.

Since we saw her and F, Åsa has sent Charlie and me SMS's that end with kisses, which we hadn't seen for a while (a couple of weeks). It made us feel like something was happening, and in a direction we like. Considering how things were just a week ago, this feels like a big step!

They came to us last saturday when we were in the bi tent, chatted a bit, showed us some stuff they had shopped (no, I won't tell), went off to check out some other stuff in the park, came back and showed us what they had seen and a couple of pictures, and I dunno, I was feeling some warmth in the air (plus I got to kiss Åsa both times just before they left, and that says something as well).

Since then, Åsa has sent me a few emails, all of which seem to go in the same direction, something I enjoy immensely.

So I'm guessing and hoping that F is getting over his jealousy, that he's found peace with our existence in Åsa's life, with the love shared and expressed.

And still, I know that there's more to go through. I'm still waiting for the next step, for the next deep talk which will and must happen to figure out where we all stand and how we can relate with each other. It's been a rough week and the roughness needs a little bit of healing, and only time will tell if the current peace with F is only temporary or if it is as sustainable as we all hope for. I sure hope things will go well and want to do my part to get there.

Love is in the air.

It would seem like, as soon as you decide not to change anything any more, things change around you so you get at least a start of what you want :-). Some would call it chance, I don't.

After last night's frustration, I had finally decided that I'd spend friday at Pride House instead of Pride Park. I knew that Åsa was around there somewhere, checking out some seminars, but I had put away all hopes of meeting her.

Surprise! Charlie and I had just about hit the café on the roof when we got an SMS from Åsa saying she and F were on their way to Pride Park to get together with us! A bit of frantic SMS (and a good laugh on my part over the absurdity of the situation) and they turned around and came up to join us.

So we finally got to meet F!

To be quite honest, my first impression of him was that he's quite dull. I had already decided, though, that I wanted to know more about this guy, and it didn't take long for him to warm up to us a little, and we ended up having a small discussion about clothes and cross dressing. OK, my curiousity is triggered :-).

It was a fairly short meeting, Charlie and I wanted to attend a seminar that wasn't too far away and we wanted to be there with enough margin not to find ourselves outside an overful room.

After not having met Åsa and F yet and finding out that they had already been at the jealousy seminar yesterday and we would most probably not meet today either, I'm getting quite frustrated. I feel sad and angry, because it feels like the opportunity to see each other is slipping away. I feel sad and angry, because I keep hearing about her "wanting to meet, but...", and I can't get the actions to match the words. I'm feeling like an object that can be dropped and picked whenever with no further regard. Charlie doesn't like the situation either.

I ended up writing Åsa an email laying out how I felt, and explaining that I'm pulling back a bit and leaving all the initiative to her for a while. That became a release, I can let go and leave it to the future to show us what it has in mind, and can plan today with Charlie.

Still, there's a sadness that things end up the way they do, and just a small hope to see a change... for now.

Since the time when I wondered if Åsa was kind of floating away, I've talked with her as well as with Charlie, and it's clear that she doesn't want to distance herself from us. At the same time, though, it's clear that she has a conflict between the love for this jealous man and her stand that she is poly and bi and want to live as such.

I talked with her extensively yesterday, wondering about what kinds of limits were really at play (I had heard "no sex" earlier, but it wasn't clear what was emotionally included in that... to some, a kiss is sexual enough to trigger them), but also talked about what the situation looked like from my view point. All in all, it was a good talk, even though it was difficult, and I could hear on her voice that even though she could handle it, it was tough for her.

She and her boyfriend (I'll call him F for now) are coming to Stockholm tomorrow and will probably hang out quite a bit in Pride Park. I know that Åsa wants to take part in the poly picknick on thursday, and she, F and I are going to the jealousy workshop on friday and see if we can get some help for F's jealousy.

This will be a tough reconnection for me. To be able to say hi, hug, possibly kiss at least lightly, but still feeling that I have to hold back, kind of hold my breath while something out of my control happens, that's quite rough on my heart. But if it serves the greater good, it's well worth it.