Today, a friend pointed out to me that I was subtly discredited by someone else not too long ago. I had totally missed it, or not made that kind of connection, and I'm not quite sure if I should be worried or not.

Missing something like that could mean that I'm simply not awake and aware of what goes on around me.

Missing something like that could also mean that I'm so darn used to it from certain people that I've become numb to the repeated attacks. Which means that around those specific people, I'm not entirely awake and aware...

And missing something like that could also mean that I've simply chosen to ignore such things because there's really no point in getting upset with it.

In the end, I believe that any discrediting against me and any shit spoken about me will bite the speaking person in the ass sooner or later. People listening will possibly buy it and not want to have anything to do with me, and that's fine with me, they were probably not so interested in the first place. Others will choose to take a look at me and decide for themselves.

Many have taken that look at me, seen me for who I am. Many have expressed that they've noticed how little I react to attacks, at least in public, and have told me that it says a lot about me. In an appreciative tone. That says a lot too. So maybe my thinking that an attack will eventually just bite the attacker in the ass isn't so dumb.

The point is still that the attacker also displays his/her self and who he/she is through those attacks.

Still, it worries me that I missed that discredit, completely and entirely. I want to be more aware than that.

I don't actually know, but I suspect that a certain person just called me a criminal. I can't be sure, because it's said in such a covert way, with no reference. Basically, the sequence of posts looks like this:

Other person: wtf? who got upset about bonsai kitty? [...]

Me: I did. Not because I got fooled by it, but because I found the joke so sick. Didn't voice it anywhere though (as I recall), since I realised it was all in me.

(there were other posts here)

Other person: I guess even criminals have their own code of ethics..

I have read and re-read those posts in between, and can't see anything in them being possible to refer to as criminal, and since this other person has been at my throat for a while, I can't help but wonder if this is yet another attack on my person. And while I can't see what kind of criminal she takes me for, I do feel unjustly accused.

Ah, fuck it, why do I even bother?

You know, I can't drop the person that attacked me a few days ago. I can't ignore her. It's obvious that there is something for me to discover, and I am discovering all right.

I'm noticing that I've watched what she writes with a certain interest, and I'm discovering more and more of the spectrum of who she is (or at least, what she wants to show of herself on-line). And truth be told, she's very far from what I called her in my fury. I still feel that she was judging me and my parents, completely unnecessarily and without really knowing us, but the way I felt about her at that moment was a judgement as well. I really thought of her as a bitch then.

From reading her recent posts, I discover a warm, caring person who can be a bit judgemental at times, but who still shows a lot of values that I entirely agree with. Through reading those posts, I've felt my anger melt away and a warm and loving feeling appear instead. It helps tremendously when I'm discussing with her on board (which I happen to do right now).

Ha! Listening to my own words, I could wonder if I was falling in love :-). And no, that's not what's going on at all. It's just nice to see how my perception of a person changes over time, and how it changes for the better.

It's obvious people are reading this diary. What goes around comes around, I guess. It's with a bit of surprise that I just found a signature in the more recent posts from the person mentioned in my last entry that refered to the nickname I gave her in that entry (and that entry only).

What's also obvious is that she only read what she chose to read, and doesn't seem to get that she can't go judging someone she doesn't know, and most certainly can't go around talking about someone's intent unless she has the smallest chance to know it, and then talk about saying the truth. If you claim to speak the truth, lay down real facts and let them speak for themselves, the rest is only speculation.

I want to reiterate the warning that's at the top of each page. This diary is mine to express whatever goes through my mind, soul and heart. If I'm furious, scared or otherwise upset, this diary is my theraputic outlet, and the one place where I allow myself not to be careful (or well, I should, but I still am, there are things I don't write hear either).

As to my fury, I've learned that anger is always connected with guilt, and is always a projection. And of course there was some of that. I know that I've done things that don't look good to others, and I know that I've been living in fear and hidden myself away from all (not physically, but you know what I mean), and I know others hurt seeing that or feeling separated as a result. I still feel guilty about those things, and am still working on releasing it. Writing about it here is one part of the release process.

Just thought of a small detail. I said I would ignore her on that forum, and look what I'm doing! Is this ignoring someone? Nope, I guess I was fooling myself, I still get triggered by the stuff she writes (oh, there are subtle hints in some places, and there's been a bit of subtle banter)... Let's see if I can really ignore her from now on. If not, there's probably more for me to figure out and learn.

Well, no, not physically... I was verbally attacked a couple of days ago (althought I didn't actually read it before today), on a public forum. The attacking person (whom I will refer to as da Bitch in this entry) has apparently heard a lot of complaints from my ex-wife through the years, and chose to throw them in a public post, completeted with missunderstandings, missinformation, assumptions and outright lies.

Oh, and my parents were attacked as well in that same post, totally unknown to them, basically entirely behind their back, as they aren't online (except to read a few emails)!

The really interesting part was to read so clearly what my intentions are. It seems like I intend to HURT Lisa. That came as a real surprise to me! Maybe that's because I recently put my foot down and put the quality of Jacob's coming visit in Sweden before Lisa's intentions. Too fucking bad...

I'm so damn fucking furious about this, there aren't even words for it! How can this fucking bitch, who does not know me (she hasn't ever bothered to try), and who have met my parents at most one time (most probably zero), throw out all that shit as if she knew us well? This is entirely beyond me!

Oh, and I'm being told I've driven Lisa away from that forum? By undermining everything she does? How can that be, the majority of my posts have nothing to do with her, and the few that were were only openly appreciative! And with the rest of life, she basically has free reign, where exactly were her actions undermined?

What troubles me is that I don't see any evidence that this shit-throwing post was in any way sanctioned by Lisa. Did she really want da Bitch to publish it? If da Bitch did that all on her own, without asking first, it sure gives her a really bad image...

With all this, I'm quite shaken, and wondering what lesson I've to learn from this, and how I shall find my way back to a state of love, 'cause let me tell ya, that's hard to feel right now.

Today, my ex-wife is holding an event she has prepared for quite a while. I'm impressed and appreciate what she does, and said so publically.

Out of the blue came a response from another member of the same forum, telling me "Stop trying to convince people you give a shit about Lisa, or what shes doing". And this is from a person who has met me maybe a handful of times, and probably has listened a lot to Lisa's complaints about me (founded or not, doesn't really matter, they're still a one-sided view of what I did and who I am).

I'm still a little bit in shock, because at this point in life, it's hard for me to fathom anyone passing such strong judgement about what anyone else feels or thinks after having just met a handful of times and not even really talked at all!

I do give a shit about Lisa, at a minimum because she's the mother of our son and that he lives with her and she currently is his main care-taker, but also because we did have a 5-year relationship, and no matter how good or bad it was, she still made an impression on me, she is part of my life and will always be. I can't rip those years away, who would I be kidding even trying?

Either way, if anyone wishes to pass any judgement on me, make sure you have a chance to fucking know me, fer gods' sake, so you fucking know what the hell you're talking about. Otherwise you know what you can do with your opinion.

The really sad part is when people hear about a divorce and what lead to it, and decide to "choose a camp", siding with one of the divorcees over the other, never giving themselves a chance to see all sides of the story. It's nothing but hurtful, and doesn't help healing in any way, quite the contrary. That's very sad, and unfortunately all too common. I truly hope noone has decided to side with me in that manner. If you have, please get to know Lisa as well if you can!