In another place, I've this as part of my presentation:

But sometimes, I wonder if that depends on circumstances, and what those circumstances do with you.

It's a little confusing, the notion of putting your relationship on pause, or is it called "taking a break"?

I mean, saying so means so many things... sometime it's used as a slow cheap way to break up entirely, sometimes it's used to take some distance and ponder over the relationship and see what the next step is. And then, there's simply the pause that noone really talks about, or maybe even considers as an option.

I heard this story, a few years ago, about the couple who lives out on the countryside. They are quite decided, as I understand it, to stick together for a long time if not for life. However, one of them sometimes needs time of her own, where she lives alone for a little while (I've no idea what "a little while" was, could be a week, could be a month, could be April to July). Living on the countryside, they'd made it easy for both, there's an extra cottage a bit away from the main house, to which she moves when she needs her time alone.

I know of many people who would find such an arrangement weird, this is not how it's supposed to be. I don't, I've lived near enough people who need time of their own to see that this is a viable option. I could certainly live with it.

So, when talking about taking a break, or putting the relationship on pause, maybe some thought should be put into what it reallt means and why it's desired or needed; what's really going on, basically.

I've recently learned that silence is scary in some cases. Fucking scary. If a person that's (very) close to me and with whom I usually have a tight connection (even just for chit chats or just virtual hug) suddenly falls silent, xe "disappears" in my mind, sails away past the horizon... It takes me a few days to get to this state of mind with someone that close, but I do get there eventually...

This is fairly new to me, I can't recall having experienced this before, not in this manner... or maybe I've exceedingly patient before and am not any longer? God knows I've been patient to a point that I was hurting myself, so in a way, it's good that I sense this these days, that the connections affect me this way. More... life?

Still, scary.

The more I'm living in open relationships, the more my views on what constitutes a realtionship become nuansed and varied, there are all kinds of reasons to spend time together and do whatever you do together.

(oh, I should probably mention that in this text, I'm using the term "relationship" in a fairly wide manner, so it's not limited by the idea of "being together"... for example, the classic friendship is a relationship in this context... still, I'm talking about close relationships, so it's not as wide as to include coworkers, for example)

Observing myself lately and thinking back over how I'm relating with a select nunber of people the last two years, I've identified a few components that I tend to see in the way I relate with people...

Spending time, Friendship, Play, Falling/Being in love, Intimacy, A desire to be together.

All components aren't necessarely there with each person, though. For example, it would be quite possible to enjoy spending time with someone, be friends, enjoy intimacy together but not being in love or having a desire to be together (1). Interestingly enough, some components do not need to be mutual while others do, at least for practical purposes (there's a friend that I've fallen in love with while she hasn't with me, and I feel perfectly fine, have no problems spending time with her).

While figuring this out, I've become quite conscious of how selective I can be, while at the same time not. I can play at different levels with different people and enjoy whatever there is to enjoy together, that's not being terribly selective in my view. But then, just because I'm being intimate with someone a few times, regularly or not, doesn't necessarely mean I've fallen in love or have a desire for something more committed, that's where I'm being selective.
I gotta say, though, that when all those components are there, mutually with the same person(s), sparks fly inside me. Rare gems, this doesn't happen with everyone. And that's fine.

Mother, I'm sorry you had such a tough life.
Mother, I'm sorry you had to be a teen during a horrible war.
Mother, I'm sorry that it has affected you so.
Mother, I'm sorry I can't understand your choices.
Mother, I'm sorry I carry this inner picture of you.
Mother, I'm sorry it should get between us so.
Mother, I'm sorry that I need to keep a distance.
Mother, I'm sorry we should have to fight.
Mother, I'm sorry we should have such deep differences.
Mother, I'm sorry you should be so disappointed.
Mother, I'm sorry.

It's been pointed out that this blog doesn't give the full picture.

Absolutely true!

Don't ever think that just because you've read something here, you know it all.
Don't ever think that I explain it all (sometimes I do, but...).

Most entries are fleeting thoughts, moments of emotion, just what is in the moment.

There's only one way to truly know me and what happens with me; in person. By getting to know me. The good stuff. The bad stuff. The stuff in between. Thinking you know me any other way is just a sure way to stay with an illusion.

There have been times when things I've written (such as this) are interpreted as me feeling sorry for myself ("poor me!")...

But do I? Do I feel sorry for myself? I don't see it that way... or, well, there are times when I do feel sorry for myself, but more often than not, those entries are mere observations, or maybe trying to figure out something that I don't understand, or... an expression of surprise at times.

And I guess this is exactly that... I'm a bit surprised how some things I write get interpreted.

There is a reason I always have, still do and always will question this idea called "normal"...

Ref

I've sometimes (and sometimes often) been accuseed of being selfish for wanting to be me and living accordingly (as much as I can). It's an accusation I've had some difficulties with, it's loaded to me. Yet, I haven't been able to grasp that concept, that it would be selfish to want to be myself. Others that I've talked with have simply said that it's ok to be selfish, to think about oneself. I've listened, but I've obviously not been able to accept that completely, or I wouldn't write this entry.

Oscr Wilde said something interesting on the subject, I stumbled upon this just a few moments ago:

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

-- Oscar Wilde

This is something I can listen to, easily.

It's amazing to me that, although we thought we were good communicators, there were things that we didn't talk about, or never questioned, never asked each other what works for us.

We thought we were good communicators because asking the simple stuff was easy, asking what we thought of things in the moment.

And yet, we didn't see the deeper stuff, the stuff that really makes us tick, the stuff that is part of our fundamental selves, the stuff we don't want to change, the contradictory views. We didn't talk about that.

Maybe we were afraid to mention those things because we knew, deep inside, that they would be difficult. Or maybe we were just blind, unaware.

There's a lesson to learn, though, that not matter what form of relationship you are in, there always seems to be some things that are taken for granted.