My relationship with winter should be marked "It's complicated".

I've some thoughts about it following a series of posts on facebook where some rejoyce in spring coming, and others rejoyce when there's a bit of snow, even just for the night.

I find myself agreeing with both.

Winter has always been a time when my energies go down, I slow down a bit. Some years are worse when others, they become depressing. It has to do with light, really dark winters aren't good for me. Winters with snow are usually much more enjoyable, the snow making things lighter. I'm not fond of too much cold, though... but what's too cold varies a bit, some years it's been anything below +5°C, this year, whatever above -2° is fine with me.

The end result is that at this time of year, when it's still a bit dark, when sun still goes down at 17:20 and spring seems to be here, I find myself rejoycing in spring, in the birds that have started to sing, in the deer that are coming out of the bushes, and I find myself rejoycing in the occasional night or few days of snow that still come and are to come for a month of two.

So, it's complicated.

It's quite apparent, really... my self esteem has had a pretty big blow. It became obvious when I talked with a friend today, one who's had a couple of tough years but seems to have recovered, and he talked about the pleasure of seeing his self esteem being back, and how that has effects around him... and hearing him talk hit home. It was hard to contain my tears at that moment (yeah, I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to hear him and not make the moment about me).

On the way home, I let my thoughts go on their own, see what came up. What came up was "not a keeper", and I cried again. Those words together with my desire for something long, for a relationship that lasts for more than just a few years... it hurt, and it was obvious where that belonged.

I still am...

... however, there are some specific things that still partly define me, because they're something I do well, or have done for a long time, and that I'm passionate about.

I often call myself "a computer guy", especially if I talk about my profession. Programmer by preference, but I've done enough other things that it doesn't describe it all.
So, "computer guy" is one of those things that define what I am.

I discovered, more than a decade ago, what dancing means to me. It's invigorating, it's sensual, it brings me a lot of pleasure. I took a break from dancing for a few years, but started coming back to it a little more than 3 years ago, when Charlie and I discovered tango. The start was slow, and I started on swedish folk dance a bit after that (early 2009). Today, I've immersed myself in both, I'm following a regular tango class and am (again) going pretty often to Skeppis to learn more folk dance and get a chance to, well, dance !
I'm at the point that I dare call myself "dancer" without shame, and this is another of thise things that define what I am.

And then, there's what I took up again not so long ago, photography. You know, I recently took out the bags full of old pictures I've lying around, and was amazed how much I was shooting way back, you know, considering the cost of film, let alone lab fees, and that I wasn't anywhere near rich... how did I afford it? Anyway, that's a long forgotten cost in this digital age (unless I choose to take up film again). I keep challenging myself on sites such as the Daily Shoot and finding inspiration where I can. Among my interests is street photography, and I'm curious about portrait photography. Whatever I choose to publish, I do on flickr.
So, I hope to get to a point where I can call myself "photographer", perhaps even partly proffesional... for the time being, I see myself as "aspiring".

In another place, I've this as part of my presentation:

But sometimes, I wonder if that depends on circumstances, and what those circumstances do with you.

A few days ago, as part of one of our conversations about... life, Ulrika asked me if I needed to feel needed...

My quick answer was "no", and still, the questions hung on to me, like one of those that you live for a bit.

A couple of days later, someone else sent me a hug by mail for moral support I had given... but with words that I took negatively at the time, it was about being there when needed and not taking too much space... and I felt quite small that day, so you can imagine how "not taking too much space" could reinforce the smallness.

It looks like two different stories, but they are connected...

being needed

Not my cup of tea, or at least as a basis for a relationship and for life.

I don't need to feel needed
I want to feel wanted

For who I am, for what I am, not primarly because I fill a need.

As part of who I am, we have cuddliness... I like physical closeness, neareness, touch, hugs, cuddles. It's a way of expressing myself, a way to be social (I've often said "I'm cuddly with my friends"), a way to be loving, at the very least with those that are emotionally close to me.

Make no mistake, it's not all that I am, but it's part of what I am, not easily separable from the rest.
There are times when cuddliness iss unwelcome, even by close ones. And observing myself, I can see that it's difficult for me to turn it off. I can, but many times, more than just the physical gets turned off. I become a bit more distant, and that might not be what's desired, certainly not by me, and probably not with others.

Something changed, just a few days ago.
A love settled in me, one step further.
Like the softest click, the loudest thud.
Imperceptible, and yet fully present.

Was it that she dared, or that I dared?
I truly can't say, I don't really know, but
Something changed, just a few days ago,
And that is good.

I'm honestly not surprised...

Your result for The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test...

Androgynous

You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.

Take The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test at HelloQuizzy

Careful, though, the test is based on sterotypes, so that's as trustable as it gets.

In another forum, the question "What's your philosophy?" I thought about it for a bit, and found it more and more difficult to answer, until I ended up with a very simple realisation:

I am

That's not so much, and still, it is.

Once upon a time, I saw myself as a loner, and chose the wolf as my totem partly because of the "lone wolf" image, and partly because I see the wolf as a source of wisdom.

For a while now (a year, maybe less?), I've noticed that I do not feel like a loner any more, so I've really abandoned the "lone wolf" image. I seek out people, closeness, company, the presence of people, personally or through electronic media. It's quite a change.

Some people have wondered about my still keeping the wolf as my totem, and have wrongly concluded that I'm still carrying around this image as a loner. The answer is simple, I keep the wolf as a source of wisdom.

Anyone who has looked into the eyes of a wolf that's calmly watching you knows what I mean.