When asking for help, someone does step up... a therapy session can do wonders at time.

The questions are still there, but are different...

How do you reach out to someone who's closed the door?
How do you get the words and the emotions to reach her ear?
How do you keep on going when you're about to give up?
How do you keep on talking when the words feel old and worn?

I'm losing a battle. With myself or with her, I don't know.
(most probably both)
I'm losing a battle, for I've lost the force and the will.
I'm losing a battle, for I lack the courage to keep on.
I'm losing a battle, and a child suffers the consequences.

Help...

[ this is written as I re-read a conversation I had with a friend over issues with my ex and emotions that follow ]

It's been a wonderful two weeks with Jacob, one where I got surprisingly much alone time with him, something I appreciate a lot!
The first week, he was on vacation, so we were free to do whatever we wanted. Science Museum, Children's museum and going for a movie ("Monsters vs Aliens") were the things we went to, other than that, we were mostly at the playgrounds or simply at home being a bit lazy but bonding all the same...
The second week was a school week, so there wasn't much time for special things, but I got to simply father him during those kinds of days as well.

The days were a bit muddied by Lisa and I having a hard time with each other (she doesn't have an easy time right now, so I can understand where some of it comes from), and me getting some rathar dark thoughts... All this because we have a continuous conflict around Jacob's summer visits to Sweden.

The trip home became another soap opera, with the hydraulics of the plane breaking down at Logan Airport... spare parts were apparently hard to be found, but about 3 hours after we were supposed to take off, the problem was repaired and verified for security, and we could board the plane for Paris. Unfortunately, it means that I'm missing my next flight to Stockholm, and I've no idea when I'll actually get home. We'll see. (had we been on announced schedule, I would have landed in France about 15 minutes ago)

(to be continued...)

Oh Father
How is it possible
to just leave your children
with not a backward glance?

She's written those words, not meant for me,
and yet, they touch my heart directly.
For I had considered exactly this, but a few days ago.

It was part of a crisis, an emotional one.
I wanted to just give up, for it seemed
like I would always have to use claws and teeth
just to have my son in my life, for just a little bit.

I had considered to back off, to leave, to turn my back,
thinking maybe that's what the mother wants.
I had considered to back off, to leave, to turn my back,
for maybe this continuous dispute is bad for him.
I had considered to back off, to leave, to turn my back,
for I was tired of fighting over him.

As I was sitting with him at the dinner table,
looking at him, imagining this could be a last time,
I had a vision of an older man, who had stopped smiling.
No happiness no more... no life.
Just walking along the paths of Råcksta,
silently weeping at the memories of a little boy.

I cried.

I sit here now,
crying at the memory of those thoughts and that vision.
"How is it possible?" she wrote...
No, it is not.

I should go to bed... and will as soon as I'm done writing this.

I'm taking off in a few hours, leaving home at about 06.30 CET DST (05.30 UTC). I think I'm done packing, although I'm sure I've forgotten something, or that I will be quite irritated that I can't find my pouch for toothbrush, deo, shampoo, that kind of stuff... But ah well, it's not a catastrophe.

I've got my passport and my e-ticket ready, I don't think there's much else to do before going.

It'll be lovely to see Jacob again, it will be hard to be away from kitties, Charlie and Karin... but I know I'll be back in two weeks.

Now, to bed, with just 5 hours to sleep. Tomorrow will be a tired day, but I'll be able to sleep on the plane... as usual

I've finally ordered tickets to go visit Jacob by the end of April going into May.

New thing this year, I now have to ask the US for permission to get on board the plane to the US, using an electronic system called Electronic System for Travel Authorization (or ESTA). I only realised that there might be something more I needed to do after I bought the tickets, and I'll admit my heart was sinking at the thought of this being a process that takes many days, that there was a possibility that I wouldn't get the authorization in time...

Fortunately, I didn't need to worry, I was immediately authorized as soon as I had filled in all the data. On the other hand, it means that I'm registered in the databases at the United States Department of Homeland Security. I didn't really look forward to that, but all in all, it's more important that I visit Jacob.

In early discussions about what's important for Jacob's development 1, I've been told many times that it's very important to act early (it's often called "early intervention"), because the plasticity of the brain diminishes quite a lot after the 4-ish first years.

Now, I'm reading this article (in Swedish, sorry) that talks about how the brain works and how it changes quite a lot during the teens an beyond, not really setting before the age of 25, all according to american neuroscientist Jay Giedd. According to the article, Jay Giedd didn't believe his eyes when he saw how much change is going on in the teens.

Googling a bit, I found some more articles telling the same story (in English):

• Jay Giedd explains
• In depth (make sure to read the cautionary words in this one...)

Reading this is interesting, and reassuring in a way.

I don't talk very much about Jacob, do I? Not here at least.

That lovely boy. That lovely son. That loving son.

I do talk about him, occasionally, with Charlie and Karin, and yet, that's also it, occasionally.

I wonder why that is.

Is it a hidden pain of him being on the other side of the globe that is behind my silence? A pain that I haven't unlocked? That's keeps itself hidden from me?

Or do I simply not care?

...

Nah, I don't really believe that last one, or I wouldn't have cared to write this entry.

...

But still, I wonder.

Well, I though I'd write something while I was in Boston, but I didn't. Laziness, maybe, or just other priorities.

All in all, a fairly good trip, although a hard one in a way, as the realisation I don't have much of a community when I might need it. But apart from that, I had a marvelous time with Jacob, just spending time with him doing more or less normal daily stuff just as well as doing something special on weekends.

Among the more special stuff I recall, there are two that very specially come to mind now...
One was being shared with Jacob's class. They have this half hour after lunch every Tuesday when those who want to can share something that's important to them one way or another. Most share some toy that they currently enjoy or something like that. Jacob shared... me! That felt very special, and went deep into my heart. The class got to ask questions, and most were quite curious about Sweden and how long it takes to travel to Boston, obviously trying to make sense of being so far away, let alone having a parent so far away.
The other was making a road trip southward from Boston. We stopped at Fall River and had a look at battle ships, and then went on to Wakefield to see the Toe Jam Puppet Band. The latter was incredible fun, these guys know how to get kids going, dancing and generally participating! Jacob had a blast! And after the show, I got all surprised when one of the girls from the band called to Jacob and said "Hi"! It left a very nice feeling.

[[!timezone US/Eastern]]

Every tuesday after lunch, Jacob's class has a time for sharing something that is special to them with the rest of the class.

Jacob decided to share me, so I stood there in front of all his classmates, being introduced with these words:

This is my papa. I like him because I love him, and he lives in Sweden.

Talk about an intro! A couple of hours later, I still had tears in my eyes.

The class got to ask some questions, and we got to show where I live on a world map. That was fun, but the intro will be what stays with me the most, I think.

That boy is proud of his father, it's so clear.

For a moment after, when thinking about it, I felt like Pippi Longstocking's dad... you know, a father that's away quite a lot, but that's hugely celebrated when he's "home"...