Loved Charlie asked me the a couple of days ago how come I've never been to the pride before, and I guess the true answer is that I've been fairly reclusive, kind of keeping to myself, not really daring to put myself out there in "real life". Here, on text, even though it's far from anonymous, it's easy, I just write and send it out there.

My involvement with polyamory has been with fairly small groups, picknicks with people I know, and that's been enough for me. But I've obviously shyed away from bigger events with lots of people.

Another factor that plays in as well is that bigger events have often degenerated into sales of lots of stuff, and not so much more, and I've been quite disillusioned and have projected that on events I haven't attended. Quite stupid...

Finally, and very selfishly, I haven't felt a personal need to push myself out and show myself, I've just felt the need to live my life as I see fit without bothering if anyone sees me or not.

So I guess this is another change, I'm throwing myself out there, taking part in an event like this, belonging, taking a stand for who I am and what I believe in. Still in small steps, my goal for this year is to experience it as a consumer and helper, and will perhaps be more forward in my involvement next year. That's my plan at least. Putting myself out there.

I might figure out more as time goes...

Cheers!

... and life has changed a lot.

Actually, there's a little bit too much life right now, so to say. I've a few things that I have to finish and release, and it's taking some time and a lot of energy, and meanwhile, the universe is regularly poking at me with new possibilities, new situations to be aware of, take care of and integrate somehow. I've opened up a lot to life, and it seems like life is pouring into me relentlessly, and there are moments when I wonder when enough will be enough and I will have to close myself a little, and at the same time, I really don't want to go there.

So, what's happened so far?

Well, for starters, Eva and I broke up almost two months ago. Very amicably, it was actually the most well grounded and well processed ending I've ever experienced. I have had my reaction afterwards, with a lot of opening up and releases of old angers, sorrows and other crap as a result, and a bit of longing back to her, as she is and will continue to be a fantastic woman that I hold in very high regard, she has been She (using the way Bernie Prior describes a deep relationship between man and woman). It's taken a while for me to trust that there is anyone else in the world for me, but I'm getting there. It's been quite a trip going through all the emotions that have gone through me for the last 6 or 7 weeks.
The separation is not completed at this point. We've just started seeing each other again and go into a friendship, and there are some bumps to overcome before it becomes well grounded.

I've (re-)discovered (on a deeper level) that I'm afraid of being alone and that I have an abandonment issue. This explains the pattern I've had through most of my adult life, to start a new relationship more or less immediately after the old one has ended. My response now is to refuse to start anything new before I've processed the fear of being alone, something I plan to do by putting myself into situations where I am alone with just myself, see and process what comes up, one at a time, on my own or with the help of supporting friends. I expect that more emotions will come up.

Those two alone are enough for me to realise and decide that I have to pace myself, and that a new relationship is far away. Months? Years? I really have no clue whatsoever.

Opening up and releasing old crap have a lot of positive effects. I've a much deeper appreciation for life and beauty around me, and trust you me, if you just take the time to look, there's a lot of beauty around us! And life becomes quite simple, a greater flow, all I have to do is follow it and do things that promote flow. Of course, there's still a bit to go before I do that fully, but it's still a step.

Meanwhile, the universe keeps reminding me that there is potential out there... or testing my resolve, I really don't know which. I get people enough inside my awareness to create a disturbance (in a mostly positive way ) and cause me to re-evaluate my resolve. So far, my resolve is strong enough, finishing the separation with Eva and resolving my fear of being alone take absolute priority, and are quite a lot of work in themselves. At the same time, I don't want to reject possibilities entirely, and this is the point where it's becoming quite a number of threads for me to keep track of... or to release them and let them decide entirely on their own what they want. Thing is, I really want to scream to the universe "Please SHUT THE FUCK UP, just for a moment!" And still, I know that if the universe was human, it would just laugh. The decision is still mine, as is how I handle things, how I let go of control, how I stay with my resolve. And when I feel strong, those are not a problem, not in the least... It's just when I falter that it becomes tough.
Sometimes, I'm longing for a friend that can catch me when I fall, hold me, comfort me and help me restore my energy. That's the 6 year old in me speaking...

It feels good writing about this.

I've just finished reading Byron Katie's book "Loving What Is", and I can only agree with a lot of what she says.

The way I understand it her is that as long as we act from a place of love and are aware of the stories that we tell ourselves in our heads and how easily we torture ourselves with them, we're doing fine. She has created a way to work on ourselves that consists of 4 questions and taking a look at turnarounds of our thoughts and beliefs, called The Work, which basically gives us the possibility to look at ourselves in relation to reality. This relates a lot with what I've learned about seriously taking responsability for ourselves and what we do instead of projecting it on others.

I may, from time to time, display my own work using her methods in this blog.

It's amazing, once you get into processing and talking, what kinds of things come up and what questions become important.

Questions that were brought up today are:

• What do I want from my partner?
• What do I want to give (do for) my partner?
• What do I need from my partner?
• What can I give (do for) my partner?

I came to understand that there's quite a difference between wants and needs, as well as between what you want to give and what you can give.

I've never really done this exercise before, although I've had the question "what do you want?" thrown at me a number of times. And perhaps that question was just too general for me, mabe I needed to answer somewhat more detailed questions, like the above? And maybe I just wasn't ready to answer before now... And boy, do I feel ready to go for it!

The only thing I need to be careful with is not to give answers that are just designed to be pleasing and which will only end up compromising me. I need to be careful that I give true answers, what I really need, what I really want, what I really want to give and what I really see that I can give.

I've never before felt so excited by processing, talking and personal growth.

Something interesting has happened lately. My first girlfriend (let's call her D, which I will only change if she says I can) has gotten in touch with me again, all of a sudden. We broke up about 15 years ago, and have had very little contact since then, maybe talked about 3 times since 1993 or so. In the last month or two, I've had enough conversations on the phone with her that I stopped counting.

Part of me can't help but wonder what's going on. Not in a suspicious way, just wondering what's going on in your life, D, that makes you reach out to me in a comparatively massive way after such a long time. Don't get me wrong, it's delightful to talk with you on the phone in such a friendly way, and it's very healing for me.

Have you noticed how some people have a need to reinforce what they want with language of power? "If you don't do this the way I want / If you do that thing I don't like, I will do this forceful thing that I'm sure you don't like" I get that a little now and then, and am sometimes baffled by it, especially when the threat (you know, the "I will do this forceful thing..." part) is far from being in proportion to whatever I did wrong.

I've been told that this threat that I'm talking about is just the way I perceive it. So what else is new? When it comes to emotions, fears, that sort of thing, what exactly is not a perception? When it comes to what we say to each other, who doesn't interpret what is said with the filters of one's own fears, emotions, traumas and so on? Of course it's my perception of it, I think that kind of language is an attempt to threaten!

I've also been told that what I perceive as a threat it's just a consequence of my actions. I would argue that it's both, and that such a conclusion is a simplification of the whole drama. What's missing is an element of choice. The one speaking with that kind of language makes a choice to do so, and that in itself isn't a consequence of anyone else's actions, it's a consequence of that person's emotions, fears, traumas and insecurities.

I find myself going more and more into a position to simply not answer to that kind of language, not giving it energy and attention. It's a simple choice and drawing a line. I have no desire to take part in that kind of game, plain and simple.

Yeah, that.

I haven't made any new years resolutions or anything like that. I've already made them during the year, and worked on some of them already. I'm just looking forward to more personal development, more awareness, and increasingly good life for me and everyone I know.

I've tried to keep a little too many things in my head lately. Christmas, my trip to Boston in a few days, an attack and trying not to get too caught up in it, making sure the cat has a keeper while I'm away, getting my brother in touch with a possible future friend, helping my parents record a small video for Jacob, changing the damn tires, worrying about a little bit of politics at work, worrying about getting everything that I need to get done in time for the trip, attempting to contemplate life a little bit, trying to remember all the other things that were planned for the weekend... Of course, with my record, it was bound to happen, that I'd lose a thread or two. I forgot to call my woman... And FUCK it hurts. And of course she's pissed. I was gonna see her this evening, but she wanted none of it.

Of course, I wonder what'll happen tomorrow. We are both invited to her mom's, with the rest of her family, for 1st of Advent (uhmm, it's at least a Swedish thing, I've no idea how it works anywhere else). I've no clue what the mood will be, and my mind keeps coming up with the same scenario, that we'll go there with a grudge.

Yeah, that's me losing faith. And this is old history coming again. Fuck! I do not like it when I'm in this state, with that same loss of confidence, both in myself and her. And she doesn't deserve that I lose confidence in her, really, I do see that, at least intellectually. And at the same time, there's that gnawing feeling in my chest that doesn't go away.

After all, a fight is just a fight. If you can take it the right way and are open, it's a learning experience. You discover things about yourself and about your partner, and with a bit of focus, you can grow one more step together. But I don't feel that I'm that open for the moment. And I'm falling asleep, so maybe I'd better just go to bed, call her in the morning when I'm a bit more lucid...

Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. And yeah, I know, it's a bit of a cop-out as well. Still, that's what seems to be the best right now, as I'm starting to have trouble writing coherintly.

I get angry sometimes.

So what?

Well, it sometimes means that I might raise my voice and say something that fits the current state of anger, and maybe stomp once or bang my fist in a table or something like that. Quick move of energy, a quick release of what needs to come out. It can happen at a blink of an eye and is over the next second or next few seconds.

Trouble is, there's one person whome I listen to quite a lot (more than I should, at times) who describes this as a temper tantrum and quickly compares me to a child. Quite honestly, that bugs me to no end. The way I understand what she says, anything that includes raising your voice or an outward lash of anger of any kind fits into "childish temper tantrum". This happened a few days ago.

The consequence of this line of thinking then be that although you can talk about him angry you are, there should be no other show if you're a grown up person.

Utter and complete bullshit, if you ask me.

Have you seen a temper tantrum in a child? The way I see it, that's those fits of anger and crying that just won't stop whatever you try to do to calm the child. Basically, it goes over when the child has exhausted it's resources. If a grown up did something of that magnitude, I can definitely see the childishness in it. I can also see that a grown up having that kind of tantrum also might be quite destructive, and quite scary. But how does that compare to the stomping of a foot and a few choice words with a raised voice? Is it just I who see the difference in order of magnitude between the two?

Now, of course, there's the other side, being a subject to someone else's fits of anger, temper tantrums, whatever. Depending on your own disposition, you may be more or less able to deal with someone else's anger. Maybe you feel threatened by it, and start defending yourself by kicking back (verbally) or trying to put down the other's anger with a few choice words of your own? Maybe you're stable enough to realise this is just about anger, and nothing to worry about as long as it doesn't go to physical abuse? Maybe you're stable enough to listen and hear if there's some truth in what was said in that fit of anger (i.e. do you recognise some of it in yourself?)?

So, if we take this analysis a bit further, what does this all say about me? I have a small fit of anger, the person I'm angry with feels threatened by it and puts me down or tries to gain control by refering to a tantrum (which has previously been thoroughly associated with childishness), and I end up being bugged by it. In other words, I feel threatened by the reference to childishness. Quite an interaction going on here :-)!

This is, of course, a realisation that I've still some growing up to do, that the "threat" of being compared to a child isn't more than just a threat, and isn't more true than I make it. After all, only I know the truth within me, and I've still to learn to rely on it more than I do today.

At this point, one of my favorite quotes (the depth of which passes way over the head of many) is quite fitting:

When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.

-- C.S. Lewis

Today, on another forum, two threads appeared, one that encouraged people to vent the things that were bad in their life, and another with the good stuff. I've decided to reproduce my two response here, just for the sake of having my own archive of the stuff I write.

The "bad things" thread:

Oh my, this is quite a thread after coming out of a mini-depression...

I hate to express myself in terms of hate. It feels like there's no nuance.

The doctors have just discovered my mom has some kind of lung sickness, probably the same as her mom, who ended up having lots of fluids in her lungs. It hit me like a ton of bricks that one of those who have been there my whole life has suddenly taken a giant step toward her own death, and I have no idea how to deal with it. It makes me really sad and it's really hard to realise this.

Quite soon (in a couple of months?), I'm probably going to watch my son travel away to the other side of the Atlantic, together with his mother. I know that he's going to have a good time and that there is stuff over there that he probably needs, and at the same time, I can't help but feel crushed that we're placing the burden of our divorce on him even more by giving him parents who are physically very separated instead of living about 600 meters (yards) apart. I'm working out the chagrin that I currently feel within, so I can go past it.

I absolutely hate (there, I said it) that I have been so numb, so out of touch with my true feelings for so very long (roughly 1990 to last christmas. That's a long time). I hate that I couldn't express the deep love I now know I can feel, and know I did feel. I hate that this numbness brought me to say "yes" when there was a big resounding "NO" deep within me, or even when there was just disagreement. I hate how I, by consequence, promised things that weren't grounded in me, that weren't what I wanted to promise. I hate how I, even further by consequence, broke those promises, because they weren't really grounded in me.

I hate that I ignored the child within, and let it reign on it's own or have someone else pamper it or even parent it. I hate that this still happens. It's my job, damnit!

I strongly dislike (and always have, I just didn't know how to express it before last spring) when someone wants me to take care of their inner child, instead of doing it themselves. I've had that happen with 3 people, one of them being my mom. Having someone else take care of your inner child does not help, especially yourself! It doesn't help that inner child grow.

I have an increasing difficulty with people who think their own perspective of the truth is The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth. It leaves no space for the rest of the world. I hate it when I catch myself doing exactly that.

/Richard

P.S. interesting how I can express hate about my own stuff...

P.P.S. it feels good having expressed all this. THANK YOU!

The "unrant" thread:

Great thread!

I love my son Jacob. I love the way he laughs and runs into my arms, almost tackling me down, each time I pick him up from dagis and sometimes from his mom. I love the way he can melt into a hug with me. I love watching him play. I love his very apparent joy for life.

I love my cat Kattie (I didn't name him! ). I love the way he curls up on my lap or on my tummy, especially when I need it the most. I love how he suddenly gets a burst of wilderness in him around 11pm. I love him for being so patient with Jacob.

I really enjoy this new path of growth and increased spirituality that I'm walking, slowly finding my way to understand the world beyond the immediately apparent and to feel love for and connection with everyone and everything. Some day, I'll even be able to love myself fully.

I love computer programing. It's my art. It's the ultimate expression of my creativity blended with logic, accuracy and the feeling that I do the right thing.

I love interacting and being with people. I increasingly throw myself into groups of people, new situations, new challenges, things that might ultimately provoke something in my inner core and help me grow a little bit more.

I sometimes like being alone, just to recapture my life, brood over something I've been through recently, or just enjoy a little bit of quiet time.

I love going to the movies once in a while, or going out to eat in good company.

I love my current companion, for her straightforwardness, for her awareness that goes beyond what I have experienced (or been willing to see, perhaps) before, for her accepting what I have to give (things I didn't even know about) and for what she has to give me, and for encouraging me to follow the path I'm currently following.

I love my previous partners, for having wanted to share a few years with me, even though they have sometimes been very difficult. They will all be part of my life, forever. I'm deeply grateful to them all, and especially to Lisa, for everything I've learned and for the path that they have lead me to.

/Richard