Well, to be honest, on certain levels, I did my own therapy. On the other hand, isn't that the very purpose of therapy, that the "patient" (what the hell is it really called?) is really supposed to find the answer within him/herself and just needs help getting it out?

In the end, I realised that the conflict I was having was about what to do with the emotions and the energies that get awakened with others. I've always been thinking that I must act them out with the one they got awakened with, while in reality, I don't really have to. I can feel the feeling, bring it home inside myself and then act the energy wherever I want. I can choose and take responsability for that choice!

The only thing that disturbed me with that concept was that if I can disconnect the emotion from the person it got awakened with, what would stop me from doing exactly that with Eva? Why do I bind myself to her, on a deep level (because by now, it's very obvious that I do and that I'm keep on choosing to do so!)? That's one of the things I needed the therapist to help me figure out, and she did. She helped me see what common ground we really share, and that went deep!

Another thing that I worked with was trying to figure out why this desire for another woman came up at all. The answer came crashing when the therapist asked me how long after Jacob left Sweden this happened.

--*-O-*--

Somewhere along the way, I realised that I've found my goddess. That's something that I've said before, but this time, it comes from the depths of me. I also realised that all other relationships I had were simply steps to lead me to this place. While that can seem like a horrible thing to say (and I felt it was at first!), I must also remember that for each previous partner, their relationship with me was also a step on their path of life, leading them to wherever they are today. I've no problem thinking like this, and I feel honored that I was part of those paths.

--*-O-*--

By now, it's obvious that I've made up my mind and heart. I'm saying goodbye to my wish to live polyamorously. I've found my divine place and intend to stay there. This is my freedom and this is exactly the place I want to be.

It doesn't mean that I'm turning my back on polyamory as a concept. When I talk about relationships, it will always be there and I will happily mention it as a possibility for others to explore, if for nothing else then to wake people up from the normativity of monoamory and have them think outside their box. If I ever get into politics, I will work to make room for alternatives in the laws surrounding marriage and registered relationships.

And it doesn't mean that I'll stop being cuddly with my friends or enjoy the occasional human snake pit. It just means that I've made a decision about what my heart calls home.

Finally, to those who would consider this a failure of mine, I'll flip a finger and tell them to come back when they've matured a bit more :-).

--*-O-*--

Now, there's more work to do. Trying to figure ourselves and each out, and what we can really base our lives on. What do I really want out of my partner? What does she want out of me? What common ground can we find if we dig deeper?

This is exciting!