It seemed that F was getting more accepting. Lately, he's claimed to be poly-amorous, just not poly-sexual (which means in practice that it would force Åsa to stay physically on a friend's level). Well, that doesn't work well with Åsa's desires, so she's decided to give them a chance to grow more stable together before trying the poly route again, which means she's breaking away from everything poly for a time (until new years) and will make a new decision then.

The end result, of course, is that our relationship really is ended, at least in its current form. I've prepared myself for this possibility for a few days, silently sensing that things were at the very least shaky. This allowed us to have a very good even though difficult conversation on the phone about this.

I've decided to break off all contact with her for a few weeks, so I can work through releasing the ties I had built up and to change my relationship with her to that of a friend (I want to be able to get there). It wouldn't be fair, for her or for me, if I held on to a state of "waiting lover" under these circumstances, and releasing takes a bit of work and so does processing the sorrow.

Right now, I just feel sad. Anger will come as well, of course, but not yet. I wish I had a friend right here, right now, who could simply hug me.

Still, from the deepest of my heart, I wish Åsa the best of luck with whatever her life becomes and wherever it leads her.

Pride is over, things are settling down, we're all tired (I stayed home from work today, being incredibly tired) and in need of rest. Actually, in the last couple of Pride days, Charlie and I decided to have a very calm next weekend, cooking good food, watching some movies and just being, together.

The Pride has definitely left traces in me. I had decided that I would mainly spend time experiencing it this year, not get too involved in the work. Still, I ended up being a poly tent host and taking part in the parade, which was more than I had expected a few months ago. And as early as monday or tuesday, I started feeling like I was right at home. These are my peers, I share quite a number of values and views around sexuality, love and respect with them, and I stopped counting the number of times I said "YES" in my head quite early. I wept in recognition a number of times.

I know that I want to contribute more to the poly section for next year. I've ideas that I need to write down. Charlie has some as well (I think we share some ideas ;-)).

Seeing myself grow from somewhat passively looking around to getting in front and showing myself, from wondering what this experience would be for me to feeling proud about who I am in this context, from feeling a bit shy to stand up for myself, that's quite something, and it's very encouraging. Encouraging in more ways than one, I "came out" to 5 coworkers yesterday, and the conversation that followed was quite a good and respectful one all in all, even though lightly sparkled with the expected standard package of stupid jokes, but hey, people will always react to the things they aren't used to, this is nothing new...

Through all this, my connection with Charlie has most definitely grown, and I know she's sensed it too, because she talked about this as a bonding experience, and it surely has been. I can't really say exactly how, but it's obvious our relationship has deepened even more over last week.
Gawds I love that woman!

The story with Åsa that ran alongside all this seems to have taken a new, somewhat deeper direction as well, but it's yet to be determined what that will really lead to...

Finally, and this is something I've just mentioned it a little here and there, there's a connection with Jenny (who lives in Australia), although it runs over limited time, and is thereby a pretty different experience. I have never been in a loving connection that I knew beforehand would have an end and exactly when that end is. Somehow, although I could never have imagined it like this, it feels very easy, and I've simply settled to enjoy whatever there is to enjoy in the moment that we have and will then gladly and lovingly (although probably with a tear) see her go away, maybe never to meet again.
So far, we've enjoyed some cuddly moments and moments of good talk and understanding. It's all good.

You know, although I'm damn tired today, I also feel LIFE! It really is all good.

Since we saw her and F, Åsa has sent Charlie and me SMS's that end with kisses, which we hadn't seen for a while (a couple of weeks). It made us feel like something was happening, and in a direction we like. Considering how things were just a week ago, this feels like a big step!

They came to us last saturday when we were in the bi tent, chatted a bit, showed us some stuff they had shopped (no, I won't tell), went off to check out some other stuff in the park, came back and showed us what they had seen and a couple of pictures, and I dunno, I was feeling some warmth in the air (plus I got to kiss Åsa both times just before they left, and that says something as well).

Since then, Åsa has sent me a few emails, all of which seem to go in the same direction, something I enjoy immensely.

So I'm guessing and hoping that F is getting over his jealousy, that he's found peace with our existence in Åsa's life, with the love shared and expressed.

And still, I know that there's more to go through. I'm still waiting for the next step, for the next deep talk which will and must happen to figure out where we all stand and how we can relate with each other. It's been a rough week and the roughness needs a little bit of healing, and only time will tell if the current peace with F is only temporary or if it is as sustainable as we all hope for. I sure hope things will go well and want to do my part to get there.

Love is in the air.

It would seem like, as soon as you decide not to change anything any more, things change around you so you get at least a start of what you want :-). Some would call it chance, I don't.

After last night's frustration, I had finally decided that I'd spend friday at Pride House instead of Pride Park. I knew that Åsa was around there somewhere, checking out some seminars, but I had put away all hopes of meeting her.

Surprise! Charlie and I had just about hit the café on the roof when we got an SMS from Åsa saying she and F were on their way to Pride Park to get together with us! A bit of frantic SMS (and a good laugh on my part over the absurdity of the situation) and they turned around and came up to join us.

So we finally got to meet F!

To be quite honest, my first impression of him was that he's quite dull. I had already decided, though, that I wanted to know more about this guy, and it didn't take long for him to warm up to us a little, and we ended up having a small discussion about clothes and cross dressing. OK, my curiousity is triggered :-).

It was a fairly short meeting, Charlie and I wanted to attend a seminar that wasn't too far away and we wanted to be there with enough margin not to find ourselves outside an overful room.

After not having met Åsa and F yet and finding out that they had already been at the jealousy seminar yesterday and we would most probably not meet today either, I'm getting quite frustrated. I feel sad and angry, because it feels like the opportunity to see each other is slipping away. I feel sad and angry, because I keep hearing about her "wanting to meet, but...", and I can't get the actions to match the words. I'm feeling like an object that can be dropped and picked whenever with no further regard. Charlie doesn't like the situation either.

I ended up writing Åsa an email laying out how I felt, and explaining that I'm pulling back a bit and leaving all the initiative to her for a while. That became a release, I can let go and leave it to the future to show us what it has in mind, and can plan today with Charlie.

Still, there's a sadness that things end up the way they do, and just a small hope to see a change... for now.

Since the time when I wondered if Åsa was kind of floating away, I've talked with her as well as with Charlie, and it's clear that she doesn't want to distance herself from us. At the same time, though, it's clear that she has a conflict between the love for this jealous man and her stand that she is poly and bi and want to live as such.

I talked with her extensively yesterday, wondering about what kinds of limits were really at play (I had heard "no sex" earlier, but it wasn't clear what was emotionally included in that... to some, a kiss is sexual enough to trigger them), but also talked about what the situation looked like from my view point. All in all, it was a good talk, even though it was difficult, and I could hear on her voice that even though she could handle it, it was tough for her.

She and her boyfriend (I'll call him F for now) are coming to Stockholm tomorrow and will probably hang out quite a bit in Pride Park. I know that Åsa wants to take part in the poly picknick on thursday, and she, F and I are going to the jealousy workshop on friday and see if we can get some help for F's jealousy.

This will be a tough reconnection for me. To be able to say hi, hug, possibly kiss at least lightly, but still feeling that I have to hold back, kind of hold my breath while something out of my control happens, that's quite rough on my heart. But if it serves the greater good, it's well worth it.

There are times when poly love can get a bit complicated...
I mentioned earlier that Åsa has found a love in Malmö and she seems to be head over heals in love with him. No problem with that, I'm only happy for them. It troubles me, though, that he has a hard time accepting a poly life, and I've wondered how things would work themselves out.

As it is in this moment, things seem to be up in the air, and I don't know what to expect. Is it ended on my part? I find that thought sad, although it's easy to keep a distance since no ties had really formed yet... I do not want to, but I may have to.

I will see. Either we meet during pride or we dont... I hope we do.

Earlier today, Charlie read pieces from "Paths and Detours of Love" (swedish title is "Kärlekens vägar och villovägar"), written by Suzanne Brøgger.

More or less everything that I heard echoed thoughts I've had for quite a while. Thoughts on love, jealousy, limits and unlimited views and more.

Without having read the book in its entirity yet (just started myself), I still feel I can safely recommend this book to anyone who's wondered about this subject. I don't think you have to be poly to read it, just have an interest for thoughts on love and what it really is. Maybe you'll find yourself agreeing, maybe you will disagree violently, and still, you will learn something, be it what is in your heart or what can provoke a reaction in you.

I might quote some passages as I read this book. We'll see.

I've said this to a few people in the last few days; when it comes to relationships, I feel very much at home, more than I can remember having felt before. I feel a little uneasy quantifying it like that, but on the other hand, a large part of it may as well be that I have changed over time, that I know very much more what I want and how, and feel much safer expressing my emotions.

This isn't meant to belittle anyone who was with me before. I appreciate each path that I've shared and what I have learned along that path, and I can only hope that my previous companions can find something to appreciate as well.

A crucial part of feeling at home is that I currently live a polyamorous relationship, defined as such from the get go. My primary relationship is with Charlie, and there's another forming in steps.

This conforms with my thoughts that love is endless, unlimited.

On a web forum that I frequent, an aquaintance talks about some struggle in her neighborhood and what she does to help resolve it. It's obvious that while she's strong and can do what's needed, it also has an emotional toll. Sensing that, I did what comes most natural to me, and send her a big hug in that same thread.

Next thing I know is that I get a little notification from someone else basically saying that we should concentrate on the kid. Of course, I responded what I saw and that she might need a little bit of comfort as well. I was a little upset already yesterday, so it's possible my response was less balanced than I thought it was.

His next response made it fairly clear that this someone is her boyfriend and that he grossly misinterpreted that simple hug...

If your caring aura extended to everyone in the forum i wouldnt have to mention it. Now go and rub you cock up someone elses girlfriend. Play by the rules.

Eh gods, it was a simple hug, the kind I would give to anyone just for the moment of comfort with no further intention.
Bud, if you're going to react on a simple hug, maybe you need to look into your own insecurities, and maybe also trust. Not trust in me, but trust in your girlfriend.

For the record, I'm a hugger. I won't stop being that. Everyone who knows me even the slightest knows it.

Peace.

Update: I just got it confirmed that he is her boyfriend and that he is hurting from the sense that guys are flirting with her while he's watching. It's time for some peace talk, me thinks...