All things must come to an end, they say...

... and looking in my calendar, to remember exactly when, I realised it's already been a month and a half. Shit, time flies.

A month and a half ago, my relationship with Anna ended. Or rather, we let it transform to friendship.

I knew that some stronger emotions would catch up with me at some point, that there would be a need some time of my own for a bit... emotions did catch up with me, just last week. Strong, painful, I knew this would come... and be worked through.
There's still some pain, there's a hole in me, I'm missing the sense of belonging. But the friendship that we have is immensely more important in the end, allowing that to continue and develop is crucial, anything else might truly destroy me for a while. Love is still there.

Just a short status update; Karin's and my relationship ended a few days ago. No drama, a fairly calm ending... or, ending isn't quite right, it's more of a transformation of the relationship from "being together" to friendship of some form, as we both have the desire to keep spending time with each other.

Not much else that I want to say about the matter for now. There's a sorrow, of course, and at the same time, there's a happiness that we're staying friends.

We've decided to take a break in the relationship... not for a long time, but still. It's a matter of getting in touch with feelings, emotions, figuring out if they're still there.

It took us some talking to get here... A break in the relationship felt... weird. It was strongly associated with monogamy in our heads, but we eventually figured out how to define it in our context (1), to have it make sense to us.

So, we're on a break in the relationship.

I'm not waiting any more, I ask for a plan now, or soon, and a plan that can be executed soon. Meanwhile, I make plans of my own. Procrastination or not, I refuse to stop and live in a mausoleum of what was past. Things are going out one way or another, to free my space to recreate as I wish.

Those words echo in me, I've heard them so many times, and in action, they seem to mean "I'll forget about it until reminded"...

I've heard them again, as a response to my request to get a response on things I ask, things written... a week ago. And no response yet.

The irony is that I've done that same kind of thing, I guess I get to know how it feels on the other end.

Oh well, I wrote another letter today, but more with the style of "here's how I see things" without too much expectations. I do know that she reads what I write, she does respond when I request an immediate answer... that's got to mean something.

This does remind me of the "not now" situation, though.

Tonight, I find myself missing you...

It's happening. Ties aren't as tight as they were, some are already about to evaporate. We're disconnecting on a level. I'm acting accordingly, I'm slowly cleaning up and cleaning out, taking away and cleaning an ash tray left on the balcony, picking up small things and placing them in that box, and it doesn't hurt any more, I'm not about to weep every time any more... I'm settling down into living alone, with just 3 cats, and I feel fine... occasionally lonely, but still fine.

Does this mean the feelings are gone? No. Does it mean the feelings weren't strong to start with? No.
All this means is that I've accepted the events, that I've accepted the new path my life has taken, that I've accepted the new path her life has taken as well and that it's not our shared path any more.
My feelings haven't really changed, not much. Attachment has, yes, but the basic feelings, not much. They've just taken a new form.
A page has turned, life goes on.

Oh, I'm sure that I'll still have some spouts of sorrow, but even the thought of that doesn't feel difficult.

Just like everyone else that's shared a path through life with me, you have a special place in my heart.

Was I hit upon tonight? I think I was, or at least flirted with in a pretty direct way. A wink here, a touch there... yeah, I think so, and that's from someone totally new to me (we met earlier in the afternoon), and perhaps in a time when I am not the most receiving of such attention... I dunno. Either way, I believe this is new to me, I can't remember this happening before, not from someone I just met.

I don't mind, not really, and I realise that I need to take new things a little slow right now, what with all that has happened in the last few weeks.

Don't stop, though... just don't expect quick responses.

It's the weirdest feeling, thinking of going to bed, alone for the first time since a little more than a year. That's plenty of bed(1), mind you, which is pretty comfy in itself, but still, the change in habit is just... plain weird.

I'll get used to it, I guess.

Pain, tears, emptiness, missing, knowing one cat is going... all of this just caught up with me. My heart is breaking, this is reality now.

Help me. Hold me. Hug me. Send me your thoughts. Come visit me. Anything. I cannot do this alone.