Yesterday, with my therapist [1], I started dealing with my defensiveness, continued dealing with some of my fears, and figuring out how to want (described in form of the lion that simply wants something, and goes for it, instead of being the good guy that remains "lagom", in lack of a better term).

When I left him, I was mostly thinking of some of the steps in recognising when I'm reacting in fear and defensiveness, but there was a time today when it dawned on me that the part of expressing what you want and going for it is HUGE. For a very long time (I think I can count about 20 years), I've chosen to be overly diplomatic, to adapt very much to the wishes of the one (or the ones) I'm close to, sometimes to the point of doing something I didn't really want to do (and ending up bored, but never saying so), thinking that would make them happy. What I didn't realise for a long time was that it also shielded me from them, making me a bit of a stranger.

I realised the part about me adapting to others to the extreme a while ago, and could say it aloud a year ago. What I couldn't do then was to figure out how to stop it. I can't quite recall what it was Ian said, if it was just the thing about letting the lion come out or if there was something else in the message as well, but whatever he said made A HUGE DIFFERENCE.

I've found that it's profoundly liberating to just express what you want.

Oh yeah, and there was another thing that clicked in; Ian said that whatever you really want, you're going to get one way or the other, because you will form your life in a way that what you get will be brought to you (kind of allowing it to come to you). I've no difficulty getting that concept, and it's quite a change accept it and looking at what I have and seeing if that was really what I wanted, without having the blinds of guilt and shame cloud it. This is also something I'm going to explore more.

There are a few things I know I want: I want to eternally enrich my art (computing, for those who didn't know), I want to be friends with Lisa, I want to stay with this life of part-time only father, I want to be the best father I can ever be for Jacob in that context, and I want to keep close to a few other people I've gotten close to through time.

I need to get better at time management, and keeping my word (and not give my word too damn fast and without thinking about it).

Sometimes, a big stone lifts from my heart. That happened today, and it's good.

[1] for those who weren't informed, I started seeing a therapist a little more than a year ago. There were a little bit uncovered with him, and a few realisations, but I honestly didn't get very far, I can see that today. I stopped seeing him last summer, and perhaps that was good, perhaps not. There's no way to know. However, since somewhere in december, I'm seeing a new guy, Ian, and I think he's absolutely marvelous. He seems entirely open, speaks his truth when it comes up, and doesn't miss much. I don't think I'd take "Richard, you're bull-shitting me!" as well as I did when he told me so...