<p>ⓒ Richard Levitte</p>
http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/personal-growth/Richard Levitte's journalikiwiki2010-11-18T17:23:26ZPersonal development seminarhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/personal-development-seminar/2010-11-18T17:23:26Z2010-11-18T17:23:26Z
<p>I went to a personal development seminar with <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AnL/" rel='friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Anna</a> last
weekend, one that I had attended once before, more than a decade
ago. Partly, it was to reload on the kind of (good) energy that
usually develops in that kind of environment, and partly because I
was curious how the experience would be like this time compared to
the time before...</p>
<p>... and I get to realise how much of this I've already done (and
how much more work I still have to do). That's nothing I mind, it
was still great to have it all refreshed and to see how I was
standing within the message given, today.</p>
<p>One of the greater messages is about expanding your sphere of
understanding and experience. "Transcending" is the word used, and
it does say a lot, it's about transcending to a larger state of
being by going outside of your comfort zone and conquering fear,
going from a "human animal" (that lives much in fear and stays
withing those boundaries) to a "human being", and a way to get
there is through acceptance and happiness.</p>
<p>Talked about this way, it doesn't really sound that special.
What's special about this seminar, though, is that a lot of the
growth is done through practical experience. You get to discover
acceptance, you get to experience going outside of your comfort
zone.</p>
<p>I was a bit disapointed the last day, though... it was a part
that was talking about the difference between men and women,
talking about PMS and how that's incomprehensible to men, talking
about men and women in terms of hunters and gatherers, and a few
other things that got up my nose, probably more than it deserves...
that whole part strongly contradicted my own experience, where the
things that make men men and women women are really not clear at
all, and it definitely isn't clear what comes from biology/genes
and what comes from our upbringing. In this seminar, it seemed
clear that the lecturer considered it to be a large part due to
biology... and interestingly enough, this screams of inconsistency
in my ears, as in another part of the seminar, we talked about how
little we really know about how we work (and therefore,
transcending to whatever we wanted is possible), and in some other
part, we talked a lot about how we most often do with our kids what
our parents did with us (unless we think about it and actively
change it)... But then maybe this is something where the lecturer
might transcend from a human animal to a human being some day ;-).
If I didn't see this as a serious part, I might see it as a joke.
Maybe I should, and laugh at the irony <img src=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/personal-growth/../../smileys/smile.png" alt=":-)" /></p>
<p>Still, I enjoyed being there and getting that energy again. I
met a bunch of nice people, found a couple of friends that I intend
to keep in touch with, and gave/got a lot of hugs. Actually, come
to think of it, one of the greater things with this seminar is
probably the huge amount of hugs <img src="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/personal-growth/../../smileys/smile.png"
alt=":-)" /></p>
Loathinghttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/loathing/2009-04-08T08:30:10Z2009-04-08T08:26:05Z
<p>I found myself loathing this morning, and didn't like it.</p>
<p>It took me a bit of time to sort this through, with some help
from <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a>.</p>
<p>What I actually loathe is a behavior; finding faults in others,
more or less consciously. I'm furious because I've been subject to
that behavior many years ago (and I suspect I still am), and I'm
furious that it took me until now to fully realise it.</p>
<p>What about the dislike for the loathing? After all, it's an
emotion based on a reality I've been through, and has every right
to exist!</p>
<p>I figured that the dislike was that I transformed the loathing
of this specific behavior to loathing of the person who has that
behavior as a whole, as if that person was defined by that behavior
and that behavior only, a view that is never true in my world. I
dislike when others make that kind of transformation, and I dislike
it when I do it.</p>
<p>Now I can peacefully and furiously loathe that behavior and be
angry with that person for behaving that way.</p>
Confused..http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/confused/2009-01-14T10:53:43Z2009-01-14T10:53:43Z
<p>Inside myself, unknown to most, there's been a battle going on
between terms and their possible meanings on one side and the
reality of life, bonds and commitments on the other.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, the terms in question (I'll get to them later) are
discussed, defined and redefined on a forum, and they just become
wider and wider, or simply confusing and inapplicable as anything
but general terms. Useless when going into the detail of actual
cases, they lose their values and ground.</p>
<p>Inside myself, I'm redefining my view of things by looking at
what I have in terms of bonds and commitments rather then looking
too closely at the terms that are too general. Kind of looking at
reality and drawing a map rather than taking a predefined map and
trying to fit reality into it.</p>
<p>There's a lesson there. Don't try to make reality match the map,
try to make the map match reality. Redraw the map as necessary.</p>
Why haven't I attended the pride before?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/why-no-pride-before/2008-07-15T14:39:36Z2008-07-15T14:39:36Z
<p><a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Loved
Charlie</a> asked me the a couple of days ago how come I've never
been to the <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/personal-growth/../../entries/pride/">pride</a> before, and I
guess the true answer is that I've been fairly reclusive, kind of
keeping to myself, not really daring to put myself out there in
"real life". Here, on text, even though it's far from anonymous,
it's easy, I just write and send it out there.</p>
<p>My involvement with polyamory has been with fairly small groups,
picknicks with people I know, and that's been enough for me. But
I've obviously shyed away from bigger events with lots of
people.</p>
<p>Another factor that plays in as well is that bigger events have
often degenerated into sales of lots of stuff, and not so much
more, and I've been quite disillusioned and have projected that on
events I haven't attended. Quite stupid...</p>
<p>Finally, and very selfishly, I haven't felt a personal need to
push myself out and show myself, I've just felt the need to live my
life as I see fit without bothering if anyone sees me or not.</p>
<p>So I guess this is another change, I'm throwing myself out
there, taking part in an event like this, belonging, taking a stand
for who I am and what I believe in. Still in small steps, my goal
for this year is to experience it as a consumer and helper, and
will perhaps be more forward in my involvement next year. That's my
plan at least. Putting myself out there.</p>
<p>I might figure out more as time goes...</p>
<p>Cheers!</p>
It's been a long time since I wrote anything here...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/its-been-a-long-time/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2007-05-22T11:45:17Z
<p>... and life has changed a lot.</p>
<p>Actually, there's a little bit too much life right now, so to
say. I've a few things that I have to finish and release, and it's
taking some time and a lot of energy, and meanwhile, the universe
is regularly poking at me with new possibilities, new situations to
be aware of, take care of and integrate somehow. I've opened up a
lot to life, and it seems like life is pouring into me
relentlessly, and there are moments when I wonder when enough will
be enough and I will have to close myself a little, and at the same
time, I really don't want to go there.</p>
<p>So, what's happened so far?</p>
<p>Well, for starters, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a> and I broke up almost two months
ago. Very amicably, it was actually the most well grounded and well
processed ending I've ever experienced. I have had my reaction
afterwards, with a lot of opening up and releases of old angers,
sorrows and other crap as a result, and a bit of longing back to
her, as she is and will continue to be a fantastic woman that I
hold in very high regard, she has been She (using the way <a href=
"http://www.bernieprior.org/" title="Bernie Prior">Bernie Prior</a>
describes a deep relationship between man and woman). It's taken a
while for me to trust that there is anyone else in the world for
me, but I'm getting there. It's been quite a trip going through all
the emotions that have gone through me for the last 6 or 7
weeks.<br />
The separation is not completed at this point. We've just started
seeing each other again and go into a friendship, and there are
some bumps to overcome before it becomes well grounded.</p>
<p>I've (re-)discovered (on a deeper level) that I'm afraid of
being alone and that I have an abandonment issue. This explains the
pattern I've had through most of my adult life, to start a new
relationship more or less immediately after the old one has ended.
My response now is to refuse to start anything new before I've
processed the fear of being alone, something I plan to do by
putting myself into situations where I <em>am</em> alone with just
myself, see and process what comes up, one at a time, on my own or
with the help of supporting friends. I expect that more emotions
will come up.</p>
<p>Those two alone are enough for me to realise and decide that I
have to pace myself, and that a new relationship is far away.
Months? Years? I really have no clue whatsoever.</p>
<p>Opening up and releasing old crap have a lot of positive
effects. I've a much deeper appreciation for life and beauty around
me, and trust you me, if you just take the time to look, there's a
<em>lot</em> of beauty around us! And life becomes quite simple, a
greater flow, all I have to do is follow it and do things that
promote flow. Of course, there's still a bit to go before I do that
fully, but it's still a step.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, the universe keeps reminding me that there is
potential out there... or testing my resolve, I really don't know
which. I get people enough inside my awareness to create a
disturbance (in a mostly positive way <img src=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/personal-growth/../../smileys/smile4.png" alt=";-)" /> ) and cause me to
re-evaluate my resolve. So far, my resolve is strong enough,
finishing the separation with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a> and resolving my fear of being
alone take absolute priority, and are quite a lot of work in
themselves. At the same time, I don't want to reject possibilities
entirely, and this is the point where it's becoming quite a number
of threads for me to keep track of... or to release them and let
them decide entirely on their own what they want. Thing is, I
really want to scream to the universe "<strong>Please SHUT THE FUCK
UP, just for a moment!</strong>" And still, I know that if the
universe was human, it would just laugh. The decision is still
mine, as is how I handle things, how I let go of control, how I
stay with my resolve. And when I feel strong, those are not a
problem, not in the least... It's just when I falter that it
becomes tough.<br />
Sometimes, I'm longing for a friend that can catch me when I fall,
hold me, comfort me and help me restore my energy. That's the 6
year old in me speaking...</p>
<p>It feels good writing about this.</p>
Byron Katie, a woman worth listening to!http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/byron-katie/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-10-24T03:48:47Z
<p>I've just finished reading <a href=
"http://www.thework.com/about.asp">Byron Katie</a>'s book "Loving
What Is", and I can only agree with a lot of what she says.</p>
<p>The way I understand it her is that as long as we act from a
place of love and are aware of the stories that we tell ourselves
in our heads and how easily we torture ourselves with them, we're
doing fine. She has created a way to work on ourselves that
consists of 4 questions and taking a look at turnarounds of our
thoughts and beliefs, called <a href=
"http://www.thework.com/thework.asp" title="The Work">The Work</a>,
which basically gives us the possibility to look at ourselves in
relation to reality. This relates a lot with what I've learned
about seriously taking responsability for ourselves and what we do
instead of projecting it on others.</p>
<p>I may, from time to time, display my own work using her methods
in this blog.</p>
Giving and receivinghttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/giving-and-receiving/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-07-21T18:51:27Z
<p>It's amazing, once you get into processing and talking, what
kinds of things come up and what questions become important.</p>
<p>Questions that were brought up today are:</p>
<ul>
<li>What do I want from my partner?</li>
<li>What do I want to give (do for) my partner?</li>
<li>What do I need from my partner?</li>
<li>What can I give (do for) my partner?</li>
</ul>
<p>I came to understand that there's quite a difference between
wants and needs, as well as between what you want to give and what
you can give.</p>
<p>I've never really done this exercise before, although I've had
the question "what do you want?" thrown at me a number of times.
And perhaps that question was just too general for me, mabe I
needed to answer somewhat more detailed questions, like the above?
And maybe I just wasn't ready to answer before now... And boy, do I
feel ready to go for it!</p>
<p>The only thing I need to be careful with is not to give answers
that are just designed to be pleasing and which will only end up
compromising me. I need to be careful that I give true answers,
what I <em>really</em> need, what I <em>really</em> want, what I
<em>really</em> want to give and what I <em>really</em> see that I
can give.</p>
<p>I've never before felt so excited by processing, talking and
personal growth.</p>
Speaking of previous ones...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/speaking-of-previous-ones/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-07-18T10:42:14Z
<p>Something interesting has happened lately. My first girlfriend
(let's call her D, which I will only change if she says I can) has
gotten in touch with me again, all of a sudden. We broke up about
15 years ago, and have had very little contact since then, maybe
talked about 3 times since 1993 or so. In the last month or two,
I've had enough conversations on the phone with her that I stopped
counting.</p>
<p>Part of me can't help but wonder what's going on. Not in a
suspicious way, just wondering what's going on in your life, D,
that makes you reach out to me in a comparatively massive way after
such a long time. Don't get me wrong, it's delightful to talk with
you on the phone in such a friendly way, and it's very healing for
me.</p>
Language of powerhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/language-of-power/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-06-13T21:39:13Z
<p>Have you noticed how some people have a need to reinforce what
they want with language of power? <em>"If you don't do this the way
I want / If you do that thing I don't like, I will do this forceful
thing that I'm sure you don't like"</em> I get that a little now
and then, and am sometimes baffled by it, especially when the
threat (you know, the <em>"I will do this forceful thing..."</em>
part) is far from being in proportion to whatever I did wrong.</p>
<p>I've been told that this threat that I'm talking about is just
the way I perceive it. So what else is new? When it comes to
emotions, fears, that sort of thing, what exactly is <em>not</em> a
perception? When it comes to what we say to each other, who doesn't
interpret what is said with the filters of one's own fears,
emotions, traumas and so on? Of course it's my perception of it, I
think that kind of language is an attempt to threaten!</p>
<p>I've also been told that what I perceive as a threat it's just a
consequence of my actions. I would argue that it's both, and that
such a conclusion is a simplification of the whole drama. What's
missing is an element of choice. The one speaking with that kind of
language <em>makes a choice</em> to do so, and that in itself isn't
a consequence of anyone else's actions, it's a consequence of that
person's emotions, fears, traumas and insecurities.</p>
<p>I find myself going more and more into a position to simply not
answer to that kind of language, not giving it energy and
attention. It's a simple choice and drawing a line. I have no
desire to take part in that kind of game, plain and simple.</p>
Happy New Year 2006!http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/happy-new-year-2006/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-01-02T00:59:09Z
<p>Yeah, that.</p>
<p>I haven't made any new years resolutions or anything like that.
I've already made them during the year, and worked on some of them
already. I'm just looking forward to more personal development,
more awareness, and increasingly good life for me and everyone I
know.</p>