<p>ⓒ Richard Levitte</p>
http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/rants/Richard Levitte's journalikiwiki2008-07-06T23:21:28ZDiscredit and other attackshttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/discrediting/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-07-10T23:03:52Z
<p>Today, a friend pointed out to me that I was subtly discredited
by someone else not too long ago. I had totally missed it, or not
made that kind of connection, and I'm not quite sure if I should be
worried or not.</p>
<p>Missing something like that could mean that I'm simply not awake
and aware of what goes on around me.</p>
<p>Missing something like that could also mean that I'm so darn
used to it from certain people that I've become numb to the
repeated attacks. Which means that around those specific people,
I'm not entirely awake and aware...</p>
<p>And missing something like that could also mean that I've simply
chosen to ignore such things because there's really no point in
getting upset with it.</p>
<p>In the end, I believe that any discrediting against me and any
shit spoken about me will bite the speaking person in the ass
sooner or later. People listening will possibly buy it and not want
to have anything to do with me, and that's fine with me, they were
probably not so interested in the first place. Others will choose
to take a look at me and decide for themselves.</p>
<p>Many have taken that look at me, seen me for who I am. Many have
expressed that they've noticed how little I react to attacks, at
least in public, and have told me that it says a lot about me. In
an appreciative tone. That says a lot too. So maybe my thinking
that an attack will eventually just bite the attacker in the ass
isn't so dumb.</p>
<p>The point is still that the attacker also displays his/her self
and who he/she is through those attacks.</p>
<p>Still, it worries me that I missed that discredit, completely
and entirely. I want to be more aware than that.</p>
Was I just called a criminal?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/criminal-p/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-05-12T00:48:49Z
<p>I don't actually know, but I suspect that a <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/rants/../../entries/attack-1/">certain person</a> just called me a
criminal. I can't be sure, because it's said in such a covert way,
with no reference. Basically, the sequence of posts looks like
this:</p>
<blockquote style="background-color: #8888ff">Other person: wtf?
who got upset about bonsai kitty? [...]</blockquote>
<blockquote style="background-color: #ccccff">Me: I did. Not
because I got fooled by it, but because I found the joke so sick.
Didn't voice it anywhere though (as I recall), since I realised it
was all in me.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<p>(there were other posts here)</p>
</blockquote>
<blockquote style="background-color: #8888ff">Other person: I guess
even criminals have their own code of ethics..</blockquote>
<p>I have read and re-read those posts in between, and can't see
anything in them being possible to refer to as criminal, and since
this other person has been at my throat for a while, I can't help
but wonder if this is yet another attack on my person. And while I
can't see what kind of criminal she takes me for, I do feel
unjustly accused.</p>
<p>Ah, fuck it, why do I even bother?</p>
An epilogue, and a new beginning...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/an-epilogue-and-a-new-beginning/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-11-27T07:16:04Z
<p>You know, I can't drop the person that <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/rants/../../entries/attack-1/">attacked me</a> a few days ago. I can't
ignore her. It's obvious that there is something for me to
discover, and I am discovering all right.</p>
<p>I'm noticing that I've watched what she writes with a certain
interest, and I'm discovering more and more of the spectrum of who
she is (or at least, what she wants to show of herself on-line).
And truth be told, she's very far from what I called her in my
fury. I still feel that she was judging me and my parents,
completely unnecessarily and without really knowing us, but the way
I felt about her at that moment was a judgement as well. I really
thought of her as a bitch then.</p>
<p>From reading her recent posts, I discover a warm, caring person
who can be a bit judgemental at times, but who still shows a lot of
values that I entirely agree with. Through reading those posts,
I've felt my anger melt away and a warm and loving feeling appear
instead. It helps tremendously when I'm discussing with her on
board (which I happen to do right now).</p>
<p>Ha! Listening to my own words, I could wonder if I was falling
in love :-). And no, that's not what's going on at all. It's just
nice to see how my perception of a person changes over time, and
how it changes for the better.</p>
The aftermathhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/aftermath-1/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-11-21T06:38:59Z
<p>It's obvious people are reading this diary. What goes around
comes around, I guess. It's with a bit of surprise that I just
found a signature in the more recent posts from the person
mentioned in my last entry that refered to the nickname I gave her
in <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/rants/../../entries/attack-1/">that entry</a> (and that entry
only).</p>
<p>What's also obvious is that she only read what she chose to
read, and doesn't seem to get that she can't go judging someone she
doesn't know, and most certainly can't go around talking about
someone's <em>intent</em> unless she has the smallest chance to
know it, and then talk about saying the truth. If you claim to
speak the truth, lay down real facts and let them speak for
themselves, the rest is only speculation.</p>
<p>I want to reiterate the warning that's at the top of each page.
This diary is mine to express whatever goes through my mind, soul
and heart. If I'm furious, scared or otherwise upset, this diary is
my theraputic outlet, and the one place where I allow myself
<em>not</em> to be careful (or well, I should, but I still am,
there are things I don't write hear either).</p>
<p>As to my fury, I've learned that anger is always connected with
guilt, and is always a projection. And of course there was some of
that. I know that I've done things that don't look good to others,
and I know that I've been living in fear and hidden myself away
from all (not physically, but you know what I mean), and I know
others hurt seeing that or feeling separated as a result. I still
feel guilty about those things, and am still working on releasing
it. Writing about it here is one part of the release process.</p>
<p>Just thought of a small detail. I said I would ignore her on
that forum, and look what I'm doing! Is this ignoring someone?
Nope, I guess I was fooling myself, I still get triggered by the
stuff she writes (oh, there are subtle hints in some places, and
there's been a bit of subtle banter)... Let's see if I can really
ignore her from now on. If not, there's probably more for me to
figure out and learn.</p>
I was attacked...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/attack-1/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-11-20T12:50:57Z
<p>Well, no, not physically... I was verbally attacked a couple of
days ago (althought I didn't actually read it before today), on a
public forum. The attacking person (whom I will refer to as
<font color="red"><strong>da Bitch</strong></font> in this entry)
has apparently heard a lot of complaints from my ex-wife through
the years, and chose to throw them in a public post, completeted
with missunderstandings, missinformation, assumptions and outright
lies.</p>
<p>Oh, and my parents were attacked as well in that same post,
totally unknown to them, basically entirely behind their back, as
they aren't online (except to read a few emails)!</p>
<p>The really interesting part was to read so clearly what my
intentions are. It seems like I intend to HURT <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/" rel='friend ex-spouse met'>Lisa</a>. That came as a
real surprise to me! Maybe that's because I recently put my foot
down and put the quality of Jacob's coming visit in Sweden before
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/" rel='friend ex-spouse met'>Lisa</a>'s
intentions. Too fucking bad...</p>
<p><strong>I'm so damn fucking furious about this, there aren't
even words for it! How can this fucking bitch, who does not know me
<strong>(she hasn't ever bothered to try)</strong>, and who have
met my parents at most one time <em><em>(most probably zero)</em>,
throw out all that shit as if she knew us well? This is entirely
beyond me!</em></strong></p>
<p>Oh, and I'm being told I've driven <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/" rel=
'friend ex-spouse met'>Lisa</a> away from that forum? By
undermining everything she does? How can that be, the majority of
my posts have nothing to do with her, and the few that were were
only openly appreciative! And with the rest of life, she basically
has free reign, where exactly were her actions undermined?</p>
<p>What troubles me is that I don't see any evidence that this
shit-throwing post was in any way sanctioned by <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/" rel='friend ex-spouse met'>Lisa</a>. Did she really
want <font color="red"><strong>da Bitch</strong></font> to publish
it? If <font color="red"><strong>da Bitch</strong></font> did that
all on her own, without asking first, it sure gives her a really
bad image...</p>
<p>With all this, I'm quite shaken, and wondering what lesson I've
to learn from this, and how I shall find my way back to a state of
love, 'cause let me tell ya, that's hard to feel right now.</p>
Personal attacks and choosing campshttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/personal-attacks_choosing-camps/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-11-06T17:13:43Z
<p>Today, my ex-wife is holding an <a href=
"http://www.villagechiro.com/" title="event">event</a> she has
prepared for quite a while. I'm impressed and appreciate what she
does, and said so publically.</p>
<p>Out of the blue came a response from another member of the same
forum, telling me "Stop trying to convince people you give a shit
about Lisa, or what shes doing". And this is from a person who has
met me maybe a handful of times, and probably has listened a lot to
Lisa's complaints about me (founded or not, doesn't really matter,
they're still a one-sided view of what I did and who I am).</p>
<p>I'm still a little bit in shock, because at this point in life,
it's hard for me to fathom anyone passing such strong judgement
about what anyone else feels or thinks after having just met a
handful of times and not even really talked at all!</p>
<p>I do give a shit about Lisa, at a minimum because she's the
mother of our son and that he lives with her and she currently is
his main care-taker, but also because we did have a 5-year
relationship, and no matter how good or bad it was, she still made
an impression on me, she is part of my life and will always be. I
can't rip those years away, who would I be kidding even trying?</p>
<p>Either way, if anyone wishes to pass any judgement on me, make
sure you have a chance to fucking know me, fer gods' sake, so you
fucking know what the hell you're talking about. Otherwise you know
what you can do with your opinion.</p>
<p>The really sad part is when people hear about a divorce and what
lead to it, and decide to "choose a camp", siding with one of the
divorcees over the other, never giving themselves a chance to see
all sides of the story. It's nothing but hurtful, and doesn't help
healing in any way, quite the contrary. That's very sad, and
unfortunately all too common. I truly hope noone has decided to
side with me in that manner. If you have, please get to know Lisa
as well if you can!</p>