<p>ⓒ Richard Levitte</p>
http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/archive-poly/Richard Levitte's journalikiwiki2014-08-27T07:46:13ZSo yeah, that crush...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/so-yeah-that-crush/2014-08-27T07:46:13Z2014-08-26T20:16:41Z
<p>It's funny how, when realising you have a mutual crush and
trying to use your brain and go "we'll take it slow"... and utterly
fail.</p>
<p>Well, ok, "utterly fail" depends on your perspective, but by the
end of june, there was the casual use of "partner" as reference,
and by the end of July, her other guy carried the sign "my
girlfriend's boyfriend isn't just me" at Stockholm Pride. So while
we haven't had <em>the relationship talk</em>, there's been words
here and there, things have been said that yeah, this is what we
wish for, and we wish to have this for quite a while, and the
attachment is quite obvious... and yeah.</p>
<p>And I'm remembering late january, when I was thinking (and was
quite decided, really!) that something committed, naaaah, not for
me, not in quite a while, I couldn't see that happen this year. At
this point, this makes me laugh a bit. What else is there to
do?</p>
Crush...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/crush/2014-04-30T00:46:50Z2014-04-30T00:46:50Z
<p>So...</p>
<p>So, a couple of months ago or so, I had decided that although I
wasn't very keen on having a steady relationship, that the deeper
recesses of my hearts would most likely be closed for a while, I
could still have a nice time, enjoy myself... basically being a bit
of a slut and enjoying it (and of course, with anyone involved
being made aware of the deal, I don't want to fool anyone).</p>
<p>But then, not many days ago, I realised that one person was on
my mind a bit more than I would have expected... quite a bit more,
actually! It dawned on me that I might have a crush, to my utter
surprise! And we met again, and we talked, and I realised it was
mutual, and...</p>
<p>... and it's taken a few days to let it sink in, to dare say it
in an almost whisper, and say it a bit louder then...</p>
<p>So, there we go.</p>
<p>I have a crush on someone, and I'm taken by surprise, this
wasn't the plan (haha), this was very unexpected... but, I have a
crush on someone.</p>
Crossroad...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/crossroads/2013-07-20T18:58:42Z2013-07-20T18:57:46Z
<p>I'm at a crossroad in life, one of those possible decisive key
moments.<br />
Which path will I choose? In a way, the choice is already made, my
heart is pointing in one direction, clearly and with no hesitation
whatsoever. It's a life changing direction, and I welcome it with
all my heart if it happens.</p>
My life...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/my-life/2013-03-20T11:35:00Z2013-03-20T11:35:00Z
<p>I'm starting to get tired... or maybe it's just a momentary
thing. I can't know that for sure, but that's how I feel for the
moment.</p>
<p>I'm starting to get tired of relationships... or perhaps not of
relationships in themselves, but how things have been going lately.
They've been a bit quick, most of the relationships I've had of
late, and I'm starting to tire of the game we play, hooking up,
attaching, ending. Most of all, I'm tired of all the ends, they
seem to tear me apart as of late. I seem to attach pretty strongly,
to make strong ties within myself (and perhaps I'm not showing
those ties well enough).</p>
<p>So I'm tired, I have no real desire to start anything new, or to
maintain relationships where I don't feel a real drive.</p>
<p>I've told myself that maybe I'm just not cut for very long
relationships, that short moments may be what's in for me, that
maybe I should simply give in to how things are and work with that
flow. However, the tragic part is that if I keep that in mind, I
doubt that I would give myself fully, that I would get real close.
Anticipation of an end does that, it builds a distance, it builds a
thin wall. I really have no desire for that sort of life.<br />
Sure, I can play, but does that fill me? Not really, not as far as
I can see for the moment.</p>
<p>This mood that I'm in is, of course, affected by how life has
been lately. Not bitternes, rather a strong look at how my life has
been, what felt meaningful and what did less so, and looking at
what I might really desire.</p>
<p>It's time for a cleanup in my life. Take out the clutter, keep
what has meaning, stay with what I desire, let the rest go. And
wait, for what might come, for who might appear (again?), with all
the love I can feel and show. No rush.</p>
Belonging...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/belonging/2013-03-14T03:21:21Z2013-03-14T01:25:22Z
<p>For a few days now, I've been trying to find what the essential
quality of a committed relationship, being together, is to me.</p>
<p>I've often expressed how "being together" contains components
like a willingness to spend time together more than you would
otherwise, a willingness to share your lives with each others, a
willingness to express and accept some expectations from each
others, a hightened connection... and while these components are
important, and while there is a need to talk about them in a new
relationship, they don't really reach the depth of what being
together really mean, to me. They don't explain the excruciating
pain of a close and important relationship that comes to an end,
this feeling of having parts of your guts ripped out of your
body.</p>
<p>A friend and I talked earlier today, and while I can't quite
remember how this came about, there's this one word that stuck to
my mind. It's a word I know very well, I've heard it before... and
yet, I've kept forgetting it, I've kept forgetting its
existence.</p>
<p><strong>Belonging</strong></p>
<p>Belonging with someone(s), this quality that fills my heart and
my body... and leaves a hole when the relationship ends.</p>
<p>Why has it taken all this time to accept this word (or has it,
have I just forgotten?)? I can't really say for sure now, but...
I've shied from expressions like "you're mine", "I'm yours" before,
in fear of feeling caged in, in fear of having my oh so important
freedom taken away from me. But really, this sense of belonging
doesn't really say more than that. It doesn't automatically mean
that you have to act according to certain standards. It doesn't
inherently mean exclusivity, living in the same home, spending all
evenings together. The choice of what we want to do together, with
each others, is still a choice, something to express and agree
upon.</p>
<p>I think I'm finally realising that expressing a sense of
belonging doesn't take away my freedom. It doesn't change my
actions, my reasoning, my emotions. It's simply a quality of how I
feel when I'm with somebody.</p>
Poly love and fearhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/quote-poly-love-and-fear/2012-09-11T09:41:48Z2012-09-11T08:57:59Z
<blockquote>
<p>I'm not afraid that someone I love shall find love for or from
another,<br />
I'm afraid to lose <a href=
"http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/hir">hir</a> love because of who I
am.<br />
I'm even more afraid that <a href=
"http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/ze">ze</a> won't understand how very
loved <a href="http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/ze">ze</a> is.<br />
However many I might love.</p>
<div align="right">-- Michael Sjögren</div>
</blockquote>
One plus threehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/one-plus-three/2010-12-17T05:52:28Z2010-12-16T22:37:46Z
<p><em>"One well defined, and then three that I've started to count
on"</em></p>
<p>I said this to him when prompted... and while it's been a
fleeting thought for some time, I've been keeping it to myself,
unsure...<br />
Hearing myself utter those words, though, made it more true, more
visible somehow.</p>
This is my pack, my tribehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/This-is-my-pack/2010-12-08T14:36:25Z2010-12-08T14:33:45Z
<p>A little now and then, a bunch of polys (definitionists,
hedonists, anarchists, ...) that know each other or are aquainted
somehow get together at a café here in Stockholm. We spend time
together, maybe we get to meet a new person, maybe we get som new
perspectives, hug a lot or cuddle in corner or three. The place has
a couple of couches and a number of people are quite cuddly, it
really lends itself to that.</p>
<p>Yesterday was one of those times. We were quite a bunch, so we
invaded one of the rooms, and there were a number of people I feel
close to and love. I came there with someone i get together with a
little now and then, and I got to see her become part of the bunch
of people I know and love, got to see her share her deep intense
gaze with someone else, and all I could do was to smile, it looked
so beautiful.</p>
<p>Moments later, I sank into myself a bit and looked around,
watching all those that were there, contemplating a face here,
feeling someone's presence there, listening to the buzz of people
talking with each other, catching a few words in a conversation
that went back to becoming part of the buzz. The ebergy was calm,
safe with lots of life, flow and connection. In the middle of this,
when I just let it flow over and through me and found myself relax
into it, I realised, in the deepest of me, that this is truly my
pack, my tribe. I've put this in words before, but this time, the
feeling came from really deep inside.</p>
<p>This is my pack, this is my tribe. This is where I enjoy myself,
this is where I live like I don't elsewhere. Here, I can be
real.</p>
<p>My pack. My tribe.</p>
<p><em>[This is a translation of what I wrote <a href=
"http://polybloggen.wordpress.com/2010/12/08/det-har-ar-min-flock/">
here</a>]</em></p>
Random poly pics 'n stuffhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/random-poly-pics/2010-11-23T13:09:17Z2010-11-22T20:13:36Z
<p>A little time ago, I set up a web site for future poly
conferenses in Sweden, and distracted myself with pictures that
google had found... and found a few I like.</p>
<p><img src=
"http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_hHCN9CD2Bgg/SBHvej7z-yI/AAAAAAAAAH8/WaEpk__krg0/S247/poly_128x.gif"
alt="http://practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com" id=
"http:practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com" /></p>
<p><img src="http://s4.hubimg.com/u/3788615_f496.jpg" alt=
"http://hubpages.com/hub/Is-Love-Still-Sacred-in-Polyamory" id=
"http:hubpages.comhubis-love-still-sacred-in-polyamory" /></p>
<p><img src=
"http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/263/4/c/polyamory_pendant_by_timjo-d2z4p8f.jpg"
alt=
"http://timjo.deviantart.com/art/Polyamory-pendant-179938239?q=favby:Bobbu/9889398&qo=9"
id=
"http:timjo.deviantart.comartpolyamory-pendant-179938239qfavby:bobbu9889398qo9" /><br />
Actually, I'd love one of these...</p>
A month ago...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/a-month-ago/2010-06-17T12:04:19Z2010-06-17T11:47:26Z
<p><em>"... my girlfr... well, flirt, really..."</em> --- I said
that in the middle of a sentence, a bit more than a month ago, back
when I still wasn't quite sure how I felt; after all, it wasn't
long before that I was <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/confusing-emotions/">confused</a> and was trying to
see <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/let-your-body-decide/">how my body
reacts</a>.</p>
<p>A month ago exactly today, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AnL/" rel=
'friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>she</a> and I had an evening
together, and I mentioned this (I was a bit shy)... with a look of
anticipation on her eyes, she asked me if I wanted her to be my
girlfriend. Yes, I did, and yes, I do.</p>
<p>A month goes quickly sometimes <img src="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/smileys/smile.png" alt=":-)" /> . Today is a bit special,
thusly.</p>
<p>There really is something about <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/twilight/">Twilight</a>, and I think I'm starting to
see how.</p>
Let's start from the beginninghttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/lets-start-from-the-beginning/2010-01-25T00:43:58Z2010-01-25T00:43:58Z
<p>I've heard so many discussions going like "monoamory is this
while polyamory is that", and I'm getting increasingly tired of
it.</p>
<p>I've heard things like "poly is about sex" followed by a
definition of relationships where sex is seen as a glue that keeps
it together. Well, d'uh, in that case, mono is about sex as
well.</p>
<p>We keep tossing arguments at each other that are really
nonsensen, trying to make ourselves better than the other.<br />
We get to see <a href=
"http://www.polyamoryonline.org/articles/12pillars.html">the 12
pillars of polyamory</a> about all the virtues of polyamory, and
there's probably something similar about all the virtues of
monoamory...</p>
<p>And noone asks the question, the true question that underlies it
all.</p>
<p><em>What is a relationship?</em></p>
<p>After all, that should be the basic thing to ask oneself. What
is a relationship to you? Ask yourself that, in depth.<br />
When you're done, you can start asking yourself if that's something
you want to or are open to share with just one or with more than
one... That's what I believe answers the question if you want to
live mono or poly.</p>
<p>After all, it's not about sex. It's about relationships, which
usually includes sex (not for asexuals, though), but isn't just
about that, or rather, which is much more than just that.</p>
<p>Now, I'd so much love to see someone write "the NN pillars of
relationships" and have that made in a neutral form that leaves the
reader to choose between all available relationship forms, be it
monoamory, polyamory, <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/relationship-anarchy/">relationship anarchy</a> or
what not.</p>
<p>Let's stop this ridiculous battle and be truly open to each
other's similarities and differences.</p>
Witnesshttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/witness/2009-12-18T09:00:39Z2009-12-18T08:45:19Z
<p>I read a blog entry filled with pain, emotion, trust and love
that's so obviously meant for someone else, and I'm moved, deeply,
for I get to witness a bit of the naked self of someone close. I
feel warmth, I feel gratitude for being allowed to witness, I want
to wrap her in my arms... and I dare not comment, because it would
feel like I'm butting in on a private conversation that I'm only
allowed to witness.</p>
<p>Or maybe... this is my comment, after all. On the side, as a
thought and an emotion that's allowed to exist in parallel...
discrete, yet visible.</p>
Is there more awareness these days?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-awareness/2009-08-24T07:22:48Z2009-08-22T08:34:41Z
<p>A few days ago, at work, I had the following happening in a
conversation, where we talked about partners...</p>
<p><em>Other man:</em> You live with your girlfriend?<br />
<em>Me:</em> One of them<br />
<em>Other man:</em> Oh... how many...<br />
<em>Me:</em> Two<br />
<em>Other man:</em> They know about each other?<br />
<em>Me:</em> Of course <img src="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/smileys/smile.png" alt=":-)" /></p>
<p>What makes me happy here is that this man, that I didn't know at
all (met him for the first time that day), didn't go assuming I was
unfaithful and went on some kind of tirade, but instead simply
asked if my partners know each other, and that was that. It's a
first.</p>
Poly boom at Stockholm Pride 2009?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/Pride2009-poly-boom/2009-07-31T04:55:59Z2009-07-31T04:55:59Z
<p>It's like feeling ripples on the water bounce somewhere and come
back to you. "Poly" as a word seems to have taken on and started
becoming mainstream...</p>
<p>There was this story that a friend of mine told <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a>; talking
to a 17 years old guy and asking him if he knew what poly is, she
got the answer that "sure, we've talked about it in school!".<br />
That was three days ago, and I'm still getting a smile on my face,
just from that.</p>
<p>But it's really not all, it's also the number of other lectures
at <a href="http://www.stockholmpride.org">Stockholm Pride 2009</a>
that somehow seem to include the perspective of relationships with
more than one.</p>
<p>To top it off, I'm going to attend to the lecture "Christian and
Queer - How poly is God?" later today, a lecture done by the
Christian Student Movement in Sweden, no less!</p>
Ghost of the past...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/ghost-of-the-past/2009-05-27T12:45:12Z2009-05-27T12:45:12Z
<p>Sometimes I am afraid I'm taking things too far.<br />
Sometimes my trust in the current words just goes away.<br />
Sometimes I'm deeply afraid that by my actions, I will lose
(again).<br />
Sometimes I'm torturing myself with doubt.</p>
<p>But then, I realise that it's not about today, and it's not
about those around me now. It's about ghosts from the past, it's
about my history with other people, it's about hurts from long ago
that come back and spook me when I least expect it. It's about
things not yet entirely healed.</p>
<p>But maybe, through seeing quite clearly what happens and where
it comes from, this will finally heal, as I look past my ghosts, as
I take a clear look at the person in front of me, as I decide that
yes, I can trust her words. And some day, this particular ghost
will simply say goodbye and thanks for a good time.</p>
<p>Rest, little ghost, rest.</p>
A surprise!http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/a-surprise/2009-05-17T12:02:10Z2009-05-17T12:02:10Z
<p>Making a surprise by spontaneously deciding to come watch a
performance a partner is in sometimes takes a few people to get
done. It gets interesting when it, in turn, involves one of the
partner's exes, the other partner, one of the other partner's exes,
and two friends that ex has in common with the partner I want to
surprise.</p>
<p>The amount of love involved in making this happen overwhelmed me
for a moment.</p>
<hr />
<p>I suppose the above will generate more question marks than
not...</p>
<p><a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/" rel=
'friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Karin</a> is part of a dance
performance this evening, and I spontaneously thought that I want
to go see, support, ...<br />
Trying to find information about this performance was a bit hard,
all I could find was that it was happening today(!).</p>
<p>I spoke to <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> about it, and she suggested
that I might want to call KE (one of <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/" rel=
'friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Karin</a>'s exes) and see if she
thought it would be a good idea (she knows <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/"
rel='friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Karin</a> quite a bit more than
I, after all), and if she had more information... She didn't have
more information, but had a few ideas on how to get it, and was
otherwise encouraging the idea.</p>
<p>A little later, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> had the idea that one of her
exes, KJ, is friends with the boyfriend (P) of another of the
dancer (BB) in that performance, and thought I should call him. So
I called KJ, and he took it upon himself to call P and get back to
me.<br />
Somewhere here, I started to cry, for I was a bit overwhelmed and
moved by everything that was getting done around me, just to help
me with this surprise.<br />
A little later, KJ came back with information directly from BB.</p>
<p>I now know when the performance starts and when I can get there
and purchase my ticket.</p>
<p>This is a moment and an emotion for me to remember when I talk
about poly things with people around me.</p>
Something changedhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/something-changed/2009-05-15T07:07:29Z2009-05-15T07:07:29Z
<p>Something changed, just a few days ago.<br />
A love settled in me, one step further.<br />
Like the softest click, the loudest thud.<br />
Imperceptible, and yet fully present.</p>
<p>Was it that she dared, or that I dared?<br />
I truly can't say, I don't really know, but<br />
Something changed, just a few days ago,<br />
And that is good.</p>
As I'm about to leave...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/as-I-am-about-to-leave/2009-04-19T22:42:43Z2009-04-19T22:40:30Z
<p>As I'm about to <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/visiting-jacob-spring-2009-1/">leave to be with
Jacob</a> for a couple of weeks, I've come to realise that this is
the first time I'm away and there's more than one love at the same
time in my life... I expect that the longing back to my home, to my
town and to my love will become stronger.</p>
<p>Is this something that makes polyamory more difficult than
monoamory? Maybe.</p>
<p>I'm sure I will cope. I'm sure I'll be much more fine than I'm
fearing at this moment. And I'll be back, too... But this is worth
thinking about, wondering at and looking at.</p>
Meeting againhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/meeting-again/2009-10-03T12:50:31Z2009-04-02T22:52:29Z
<p>I haven't seen <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>her</a> for 7 months, since last time I
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/finally-meeting/">met her and F</a>... It
has been a while, and I finally got to see <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/"
rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>her</a> again this evening.</p>
<p>We had a nice talk about our respective lives and quite a bit
about poly issues, and got to an insight about <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-myths-2/">depth in poly relationships</a>.</p>
<p>It was nice to see each other again after such long time, and to
share a bit of ourselves with each other, seeing how we have grown
and gone through realisations over time, how some are very similar
and others are different.</p>
Poly myths: No depth...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-myths-2/2009-04-02T21:37:35Z2009-04-02T21:33:30Z
<p>There's an argument that in polyamory, you can't reach the same
depth as in monoamory.</p>
<p>Just as with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-myths-1/">a similar
argument about love</a>, this seems to view "depth" as <em>one</em>
<em>finite</em> element.</p>
<p>If you look more closely at what people place in "depth", you
will often see a multitude of elements, and you will also often see
that not all of those elements will be part of one relationship.
Some of those elements will not come up before the right person to
share them with comes along.</p>
<p>So what if, in a polyamorous relationship, person A shares
elements <em>x</em> and <em>y</em> with person B and elements
<em>z</em> and <em>t</em> with person C. Does that mean less depth
than if person A had first had a relationship with person B
(sharing elements <em>x</em> and <em>y</em>), and later on had a
relationship with person B (sharing elements <em>z</em> and
<em>t</em>)? And even if there are some elements of "depth" shared
with more than one person, does that have to mean that less of that
element is shared with each person (thus following the idea of a
finite element again)? And if that element was shared with just one
person, would it really automatically be shared more in depth with
that one?</p>
<p>This is another argument I call a myth. I base this mainly on my
own experience, where I can see just as much depth growing in my
current two relationships as I saw with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a>, one of the deepest monoamorous
relationships I've been in.</p>
Poly myths: Not really love...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-myths-1/2009-04-02T21:37:11Z2009-04-02T21:33:18Z
<p>There's an argument that polyamory isn't real love, for one can
really love only one.</p>
<p>One way to view this argument would be that "love" is a finite
element that, if divided among more than one, also becomes less in
each relationship, that it simply can't reach the "fullness it
deserves".</p>
<p>I do not agree with that notion, I can't view "love" as
something finite, to the point that I call the argument a myth. I
base this on experience that I share with others who've been both
on mono and poly relationships, that the love I feel on a
polyamorous relationship isn't much different in intensity from
what I've felt in monoamorous relationships.</p>
<p>Of course, there will be some that will argue that in that case,
I didn't really love in my monoamorous relationships either. If
you're one of those, I'd like to ask along with fellow poly people,
how <em>you</em> know that what <em>you</em> feel is love?</p>
Purple towelhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/purple-towel/2009-03-12T11:48:14Z2009-03-12T11:48:14Z
<p>There's a purple towel hanging in our bathroom.<br />
It makes me smile. The owner's not here, but<br />
there's a purple towel hanging in our bathroom.</p>
Polyamorism?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/polyamorism/2009-02-16T09:20:09Z2009-02-16T09:20:09Z
<p>For a while, I've read and heard the term "polyamorist", and
have become increasingly baffled each time.</p>
<p><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/-ism">Wikipedia defines an
'-ism'</a> as follows:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>The suffix -ism denotes a distinctive system of beliefs, myth,
doctrine or theory that guides a social movement, institution,
class or group.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Has polyamory as a concept really reached a level where it has
become a '-ism'?</p>
Losing friends?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/losing-friends/2009-01-22T22:35:46Z2009-01-22T22:35:46Z
<p>I'm hearing stories, over and over again, from people who have
come out as poly to their best friends... and promptly lost those
friends over the matter.</p>
<p>... and I keep looking back at my life, and realise that I can't
remember being through something like that myself. On the contrary,
every time I've mentioned to a new group of friends that I'm poly,
it keeps on just being accepted...</p>
<p>... or is it selective memory? ... Nah, don't really think
so...</p>
<p>The only real conclusion I can draw from this is that I'm either
damn lucky in my choice of friends, or damn good.</p>
Primary/secondary, a thoughthttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/primary_secondary_thoughts/2009-01-21T21:05:31Z2009-01-20T22:47:54Z
<p>Primary.</p>
<p>Secondary.</p>
<p>What are they, really?</p>
<p>Wikipedia gives a <a href=
"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primary%5Fand%5Fsecondary%5F%28relationship%29">
definition</a> that's commonly accepted among those using it, but
what do they mean to me?</p>
<p>Not so long ago, I thought I was the kind of person who defined
myself in terms of primary and secondary relationships.</p>
<p>I found, though, that it isn't really true.</p>
<p>There's been some discussion about those terms in the Swedish
poly community, and it's quite obvious that the thoughts on those
terms differ quite a lot from one person to another.</p>
<p>Being in two relationships myself, I've had reason to scrutinise
the terms, to try to figure out what they actually mean to me and
how they are used around me.</p>
<p>What I've found is mostly that they are way too broad for me to
be useful. They may or may not include a concept of hierarchy, of
grading different relationships in terms of importance (whatever
that means!). If a relationship is <em>built</em> on those terms,
it also becomes limited to what those terms and the meaning placed
on them have to offer. If the concept of hierarchy is implied, it
also means that I've to make sure I keep that hierarchy. That takes
some energy I'd rather spend some other way...</p>
<p>What I've also noticed is that when the term "primary" and
"secondary" are used, others will either assume a certain form, or
will ask what that means in reality.</p>
<p>That doesn't feel like a good ground to build on, doesn't feel
like a good starting point. Too many questions, not enough clear
definitions.</p>
<p>Looking at how my thoughts and emotions work, I've realised that
I'd rather simply look at each relationship and go from there. How
is each relationship defined, what are the commitments, what are
the bonds? An example that's both a commitment and a bond is that
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a>
and I have declared each other as "life partner" or "life
companion". All it really means is that we have desire and the full
intention to give a life long loving relationship the best shot we
can, and that's not so little in itself.</p>
<p>Some might look at the relationships I have with <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> and with
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/" rel='friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Karin</a>
and still label them in terms of primary and secondary based upon
what they see. That's fine if they think it fits their definition
of those terms. But that's quite different from starting with those
terms from the ground up.</p>
<p>So here I am, having freshly realised all of this, redefining
myself more accurately, finding a new balance. A better balance for
all involved, I hope.</p>
<p>It's a bit scary, it may have consequences I don't like, but
still, if this is the way I go, then it is.</p>
<p><em>This is, by the way, what the <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/confused/">this cryptic entry</a> was about</em></p>
Tonight...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/tonight/2008-12-29T08:35:06Z2008-12-29T08:35:06Z
<p>... loved <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/" rel=
'friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Karin</a> is coming back from a
trip.</p>
<p>I look forward to meet her at the station, arms open,
embracing.</p>
<p>I look forward to seeing her again.</p>
<p>I look forward to feeling her close.</p>
<p>Reunited.</p>
An interview on polyhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/an-interview/2008-12-28T11:18:39Z2008-12-28T11:18:39Z
<p>A little while after the <span class=
"createlink">poly-conference</span>, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a>, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/" rel=
'friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Karin</a> and I were interviewed on
polyamory by <a href="http://www.aftonbladet.se/">Aftonbladet</a>,
resulting in an <a href=
"http://www.aftonbladet.se/wendela/relationer/article4058535.ab">article
that we're all quite satisfied with</a>, published just before
Christmas (Sorry, all non-swedes, it's in Swedish).</p>
I have my fillhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/I-have-my-fill/2008-12-03T09:23:15Z2008-12-03T09:07:55Z
<p><a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> is moving in to our (I've
stopped considering it just mine) apartment, one lovely step after
another, and our relationship is deepening with that.<br />
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/" rel='friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Karin</a>'s
and my relationship is getting more regular and slowly
deepening.</p>
<p>Thinking about this, having talked about it with <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> a little
while ago and talking a little about it with a dear friend just a
few moments ago, I'm realising that I currently have my fill when
it comes to deeper relationships. My focus for the moment is to let
what already is settle, become more integrated in my life, more
stable.</p>
<p>There are a few other people whose kisses I may occasionally
enjoy, but that's a different matter. I call them friends. With
benefits. And that's nice and I'd like to keep them as such, but
they are not the kind of deep, regular, relationship that I'm
talking about here.<br />
(and then there's <a href=
"http://sem.hypodea.com/read/user/561">smilla</a>, with whom I
share a very special and deep connection of the souls, but that's a
different matter as well)</p>
I had a lovely weekendhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/lovely-weekend/2008-11-18T08:24:20Z2008-11-18T07:17:56Z
<p>I spent last weekend with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/" rel=
'friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Karin</a>, and had a generally
lovely time, sharing some every day time. <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/"
rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> had her own time with a
( ... well, what do I call him, "flirt"? Nah, I'll leave that
undefined and just say "guy" ... ) guy she had a connection
with.</p>
<p>Saturday, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/" rel=
'friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Karin</a> had a bunch of people
over, lovely people that we all know or are at least acquainted
with one way or another. I'll admit that there was a surreal sense
with having <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> and her guy come over, but
that sense disappeared quite fast. Really lovely bunch of people,
we all had a good time, lots of laughs and all that.</p>
<p>We also had som overnight guests there two nights in a row, nice
bunch, <a href="http://sem.hypodea.com/read/user/561">a lovely
woman and friend</a> on a very deep level and two of her loves.
They are nice to have around, lovely to talk and generally interact
with. It seems that one of the guys and I are developing a deeper
friendship as well.</p>
A new relationshiphttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/new-relationship/2008-11-05T07:20:09Z2008-11-05T07:12:25Z
<p><a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/" rel='friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>She</a>
and I have been flirting with each other and seen each other
regularly for a while, most definitely since <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/pride-aftermath-and-bonding/">Pride</a>. During the
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-conference/">poly conference</a>, for
which we were both in the organising group, our relationship became
tighter.</p>
<p>I'd had my interest for some time already, but <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/autumn-visit-2008.end/">being away</a> had me delay
saying anything about it... the night between Saturday and Sunday
of the <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-conference/">conference</a>,
there was a moment when someone else asked "Are you together or
what?", and I explained that we weren't really at that level, that
we "just" defined ourselves as each other's flirt, and then I
blurted out something like "but maybe we should make our minds
up?", clumsily hinting my interest...</p>
<p>A few hours later, in that spooky hour when daylight saving time
stops, a bit before 3am became 2am, she said "I want you, I want to
be together with you, if you want?"... all I said was "Yes", then
we fell asleep.<br />
The next morning, among the first things we did was to tell
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a>
(who was also one of the organisers and present at the <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-conference/">conference</a>, of course) that we
had "upgraded" our relationship and now considered us together, and
she smiled warmly and congratulated us.</p>
<p>One of the sweetest moments later Sunday evening was when
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a>
hugged <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/" rel=
'friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Karin</a> with the words "we are
poly family now". Sweet sweet warm moment, and oh so welcoming, the
memory still has me melt.</p>
<p>Time will tell how this new relationship forms itself... it's a
new experience in itself, having two relationships like this,
openly, honestly and with warmth and love, new balances to reach.
In the mean time, there's the excitement of new emotions that are
suddenly blooming out, as if they have waited for the permission
that came with declaring ourselves "together"; there's testing
fears in me that come from failed experience, years ago, or rather,
having those fears quickly wiped away.</p>
<p>Life, I tell you, is beautiful, and I'm in love!</p>
A poly conferencehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-conference/2008-11-05T06:38:43Z2008-11-05T06:38:43Z
<p>A couple of weekends ago, a small group of poly people (me
included) organised the <strong>first poly conference in
Sweden</strong>.</p>
<p>The preparations were quite stressful, most of the practical
stuff done in 3 days, I basically spent all the time I had between
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/autumn-visit-2008.end/">coming back from the
states</a> and the weekend doing just that. But you know, it was
well worth it, because the conference itself was a huge success!
The friendship found in this group, the love, the sense of
community, the new connections made, and more personally, <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/new-relationship/">a new relationship formed</a>...
all left me quite overwhelmed in the best kind of way for several
days after, and the aftermath isn't done yet, I'm still sitting
with a lost+found box that needs to be taken care of, a film to
download from the camera, stuff that need to be stored away...</p>
<p>The best thing that's resulted from the conference is hearing a
number of people telling us that they've found their way home, that
this is the kind of life they belong in. Having given the
opportunity to find their way to this is... well, it's difficult to
put words on, it's a sense of awe to have been part of this. It
feels ground breaking in a way, just as I'm sure those of my
friends in this community who have been part of introducing the
poly concept in common media felt when they started a few years
ago.</p>
<p>To any and all that were part and found something new in their
heart, I say "Welcome! Welcome home!"</p>
<p>As part of this conference, a number of interesting subjects
were treated, such as the law, how to come out, new vocabulary
that's forming in our community today, norms that are growing in
our community and that we might want to either deal with or foster,
what may be in our future and a few more subjects I don't currently
recalled. A lot of good things were said and mentioned and will be
discussed further as time passes, into the next conference and
on.</p>
Ended after allhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/ended-after-all/2008-08-25T23:33:29Z2008-08-25T22:27:03Z
<p>It seemed that <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/is-he-warming-up/">F was
getting more accepting</a>. Lately, he's claimed to be
poly-amorous, just not poly-sexual (which means in practice that it
would force <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> to stay physically on a friend's
level). Well, that doesn't work well with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/"
rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a>'s desires, so she's decided
to give them a chance to grow more stable together before trying
the poly route again, which means she's breaking away from
everything poly for a time (until new years) and will make a new
decision then.</p>
<p>The end result, of course, is that our relationship really is
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/ended/">ended</a>, at least in its current
form. I've prepared myself for this possibility for a few days,
silently sensing that things were at the very least shaky. This
allowed us to have a very good even though difficult conversation
on the phone about this.</p>
<p>I've decided to break off all contact with her for a few weeks,
so I can work through releasing the ties I had built up and to
change my relationship with her to that of a friend (I want to be
able to get there). It wouldn't be fair, for her or for me, if I
held on to a state of "waiting lover" under these circumstances,
and releasing takes a bit of work and so does processing the
sorrow.</p>
<p>Right now, I just feel sad. Anger will come as well, of course,
but not yet. I wish I had a friend right here, right now, who could
simply hug me.</p>
<p>Still, from the deepest of my heart, I wish <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> the best of
luck with whatever her life becomes and wherever it leads her.</p>
Polyvalencehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/polyvalence/2008-08-18T06:31:01Z2008-08-18T06:31:01Z
<p>I learned a new word in french; "polyvalence", which means
multiple values or multiple functions, and it seems at least my mom
applies it on polyamory.</p>
<p>"<em>La vie polycalente</em>"</p>
<p>If it really applies or not, I do not know. I've seen a message
somewhere else that mentions it as well; "Polyamory, une
polyvalence du désir, du plaisir", which is about desire and
pleasure, which, while certainly part of love, isn't <em>all</em>
of love.</p>
<p>I guess I'll discover more about this new word as time
goes...</p>
Poly... what?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/polylingual/2008-08-13T14:54:44Z2008-08-13T14:54:44Z
<p>Someone, by asking me what my lingustic "home" is, had me
realise that I'm not only polyamorous, I'm polylingual as well!
<img src="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/smileys/smile.png" alt=":-)" /></p>
<p>(I handle Swedish, English and French about as well or badly, I
do not usually translate between them, I think in all three
languages, and most of all, I dream in any of them)</p>
Why come out at all?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/why-come-out/2008-08-11T21:56:11Z2008-08-11T21:31:14Z
<p>The same question can really be asked about any action. Why do
we do what we do, why do we make certain big decisions.</p>
<p>In my case, it's about coming out as poly and as bisexual, and
it's currently happening at an increasing speed, or so it feels to
me. As I've said <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/coming-out-as-poly-at-work/">earlier</a>, part of it
is a boost from my experience with <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/pride-aftermath-and-bonding/">Europride</a>, but
that's hardly all, this has been a slowly ongoing process that's
kind of blooming right now.</p>
<p>The very basic driving force behind coming out is that I do not
want to live a closed life any more. I do not want to worry about
who knows what about me. I do not want to hide who I am. The only
way I know to resolve this is to open up, to tell people around me
who I am, and to acknowledge it for myself when doing so. This is
all the more important when I find myself in situations where I
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/coming-out-as-bisexual-and-fear/">end up
being scared of consequences</a>.</p>
Coming out as poly at workhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/coming-out-as-poly-at-work/2008-08-11T20:07:56Z2008-08-07T20:00:00Z
<p>Last monday, a bit boosted by my experience of <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/pride-aftermath-and-bonding/">Europride</a>, I "came
out" as poly to a number of co-workers during lunch. It became an
immediate decision to have that part entirely open, no hiding to
anyone there any more.</p>
<p>This experience was surprisingly nice! And it came so naturally,
as an answer to the question of what I had done during my vacation
(yep, I took some time off for the Pride). Of course, there were
the expected stupid jokes that are born out of ignorance and a
reaction to things that are new, but still, the spirit was friendly
and mainly filled with curiousity and a good level of respect in
the serious questions.</p>
<p>A great experience, and much much much easier than I had
imagined it would be.</p>
<p>Still, I've my <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/coming-out/">parents
left</a>.</p>
Being without expectations leads to interesting eveningshttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/without-expectations-leads-to/2008-08-12T06:24:11Z2008-08-07T09:27:01Z
<p>I had a date yesterday evening, at my place. No expectations
whatsoever, just playing as I go, so to say, and getting whatever I
can get, no set plan. The only thing I did to prepare was a little
bit of cleanup and cooking dinner (a simple spinach and feta cheese
pie, which she enjoyed :-)). The rest of the evening became lots of
talking, mostly on her part.</p>
<p>Some might wonder what I got out of it, and she was worried that
she would abuse my ... I think it was kindness that she referred
to. But you know, just feeding someone and that being appreciated
is a sacred thing in itself, and I enjoy that. And then, the talk
was very much her opening up some things that are obviously
painful, and opening up quite a lot of her vulnerability on a
mental and emotional level, and that's nothing less than a precious
gift. All I could do was listen a lot and take it all in.<br />
Through all of that, she also saw a major part of who I am, and
expressed it. I felt very much seen by her, and that's quite a gift
as well.</p>
<p>I spent my morning thinking about this and letting the
impressions sink in, and I just felt warm inside. I hope she feels
the same.</p>
<p>Thank you.</p>
Is he warming up to us?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/is-he-warming-up/2008-08-05T20:07:09Z2008-08-05T19:27:26Z
<p>Since <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/finally-meeting/">we saw her and
F</a>, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> has sent <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/"
rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> and me SMS's that end
with kisses, which we hadn't seen for a while (a couple of weeks).
It made us feel like something was happening, and in a direction we
like. Considering how things were <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/ended/">just a week ago</a>, this feels like a big
step!</p>
<p>They came to us last <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/pride-saturday/">saturday</a> when we were in the bi
tent, chatted a bit, showed us some stuff they had shopped (no, I
won't tell), went off to check out some other stuff in the park,
came back and showed us what they had seen and a couple of
pictures, and I dunno, I was feeling some warmth in the air (plus I
got to kiss <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> both times just before they
left, and that says something as well).</p>
<p>Since then, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> has sent me a few emails, all of
which seem to go in the same direction, something I enjoy
immensely.</p>
<p>So I'm guessing and hoping that F is getting over his jealousy,
that he's found peace with our existence in <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/"
rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a>'s life, with the love shared
and expressed.</p>
<p>And still, I know that there's more to go through. I'm still
waiting for the next step, for the next deep talk which will and
must happen to figure out where we all stand and how we can relate
with each other. It's been a rough week and the roughness needs a
little bit of healing, and only time will tell if the current peace
with F is only temporary or if it is as sustainable as we all hope
for. I sure hope things will go well and want to do my part to get
there.</p>
<p>Love is in the air.</p>
Finally meeting!http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/finally-meeting/2008-08-05T17:49:23Z2008-08-01T23:00:00Z
<p>It would seem like, as soon as you decide not to change anything
any more, things change around you so you get at least a start of
what you want :-). Some would call it chance, I don't.</p>
<p>After <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/frustration/">last night's
frustration</a>, I had finally decided that I'd spend <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/pride-friday/">friday at Pride House</a> instead of
Pride Park. I knew that <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> was around there somewhere,
checking out some seminars, but I had put away all hopes of meeting
her.</p>
<p>Surprise! <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> and I had just about hit the
café on the roof when we got an SMS from <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/"
rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> saying she and F were on
their way to Pride Park to get together with us! A bit of frantic
SMS (and a good laugh on my part over the absurdity of the
situation) and they turned around and came up to join us.</p>
<p>So we finally got to meet F!</p>
<p>To be quite honest, my first impression of him was that he's
quite dull. I had already decided, though, that I wanted to know
more about this guy, and it didn't take long for him to warm up to
us a little, and we ended up having a small discussion about
clothes and cross dressing. OK, my curiousity is triggered :-).</p>
<p>It was a fairly short meeting, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> and I wanted to attend a
seminar that wasn't too far away and we wanted to be there with
enough margin not to find ourselves outside an overful room.</p>
Frustration!http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/frustration/2008-08-05T14:34:51Z2008-08-01T01:30:00Z
<p>After not having met <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> and F yet and finding out that
they had already been at the jealousy seminar <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/pride-thursday/">yesterday</a> and we would most
probably not meet today either, I'm getting quite frustrated. I
feel sad and angry, because it feels like the opportunity to see
each other is slipping away. I feel sad and angry, because I keep
hearing about her "wanting to meet, but...", and I can't get the
actions to match the words. I'm feeling like an object that can be
dropped and picked whenever with no further regard. <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> doesn't
like the situation either.</p>
<p>I ended up writing <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> an email laying out how I felt,
and explaining that I'm pulling back a bit and leaving all the
initiative to her for a while. That became a release, I can let go
and leave it to the future to show us what it has in mind, and can
plan <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/pride-friday/">today</a> with <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a>.</p>
<p>Still, there's a sadness that things end up the way they do, and
just a small hope to see a change... for now.</p>
Complexity, conflict, but not the endhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/not-ended/2008-07-29T22:40:46Z2008-07-29T20:58:54Z
<p>Since the time when I <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/ended/">wondered</a> if <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> was kind of floating away, I've
talked with her as well as with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a>, and it's clear that she
doesn't want to distance herself from us. At the same time, though,
it's clear that she has a conflict between the love for this
jealous man and her stand that she is poly and bi and want to live
as such.</p>
<p>I talked with her extensively yesterday, wondering about what
kinds of limits were really at play (I had heard "no sex" earlier,
but it wasn't clear what was emotionally included in that... to
some, a kiss is sexual enough to trigger them), but also talked
about what the situation looked like from my view point. All in
all, it was a good talk, even though it was difficult, and I could
hear on her voice that even though she could handle it, it was
tough for her.</p>
<p>She and her boyfriend (I'll call him F for now) are coming to
Stockholm tomorrow and will probably hang out quite a bit in Pride
Park. I know that <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> wants to take part in the poly
picknick on <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/pride-thursday/">thursday</a>,
and she, F and I are going to the jealousy workshop on <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/pride-friday/">friday</a> and see if we can get some
help for F's jealousy.</p>
<p>This will be a tough reconnection for me. To be able to say hi,
hug, possibly kiss at least lightly, but still feeling that I have
to hold back, kind of hold my breath while something out of my
control happens, that's quite rough on my heart. But if it serves
the greater good, it's well worth it.</p>
Ended?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/ended/2008-07-29T20:42:57Z2008-07-27T12:17:21Z
<p>There are times when poly love can get a bit
complicated...<br />
I mentioned <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/pride/">earlier</a> that
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> has
found a love in Malmö and she seems to be head over heals in love
with him. No problem with that, I'm only happy for them. It
troubles me, though, that he has a hard time accepting a poly life,
and I've wondered how things would work themselves out.</p>
<p>As it is in this moment, things seem to be up in the air, and I
don't know what to expect. Is it ended on my part? I find that
thought sad, although it's easy to keep a distance since no ties
had really formed yet... I do not want to, but I may have to.</p>
<p>I will see. Either we meet during <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/pride/">pride</a> or we dont... I hope we do.</p>
Pride!http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/pride/2008-07-29T05:45:53Z2008-07-15T14:39:01Z
<p><a href="http://www.stockholmpride.org/">Stockholm/Euro
Pride</a> is nearing and I'm getting a bit excited, as this is the
first time I'll attend (and help out as well). Got the ticket
already!</p>
<p>Damn, there's a number of things to do and to handle, and it
seems like I've a number of friends have decided to come for a
visit to Stockholm at the same time. I really need to sort it all
out so I don't get overwhelmed!</p>
<p>Let's see, I've a friend from Malmö that comes up to visit, I've
tagged July 24th for him if he wants to hang out with me then.
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Åsa</a> is
coming up with a love from Malmö. <a href=
"http://sem.hypodea.com/read/user/561">smilla</a> has just declared
that she's coming as well. Oh, and I just got the news that another
friend is visiting, from South Africa (he's lived in Sweden for a
large number of years but moved back to SA not long ago).</p>
<p>I'll have my social life filled, let me tell ya! Anyway, I hope
it'll be fun. I just hope I'll have some breathing space too
;-).</p>
<p>So, what do I plan to do, really? Uhmm, check out the cultural
side in the beginning of pride, go to a number of seminars (mostly
about polyamory, but I've seen a few more on political issues and
one about the issues with being aspie and queer (!)), and mingle at
Pride Park when I don't help out in the Poly tent or elsewhere.</p>
<p>But hey, it's still more than a week away, plans will firm up as
time goes, and I do want to spend time with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/"
rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> as well, never to be
forgotten.</p>
Soupe au laithttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/soupe-au-lait/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2008-06-08T23:58:02Z
<p>I've been called "soupe au lait" a couple of times by my dear
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/MFL/" rel='parent met'>mom</a>, and it seems to be
in connection with poly-like (I call it like that because it wasn't
clearly defined as a poly situation) moments in my life...</p>
<p>I just checked the <a href=
"http://www.expressio.fr/expressions/soupe-au-lait.php">actual
meaning</a>, and I gotta laugh a bit, because that's used for
someone who changes mood, usually quite brutally so. According to
the definition in the <a href=
"http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soupe#Dans_la_langue_fran.C3.A7aise">french
wikipedia</a>, it's normally associated with anger.</p>
<p>Dear dear mom, who's usually such an expert on French
expressions, I gotta say that this one is quite off...</p>
Coming out...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/coming-out/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2008-06-08T23:47:31Z
<p>Coming out as poly is easy... and difficult. It all depends on
to who. Most if not all my friends know this. Some coworkers
(basically those interested enough to talk about such things) do as
well.</p>
<p>My parents are the big exception. I really don't know how much
they have realised, 'cause while I've been quite sure they read my
blog, there are some matters that seems to have just gone past
them, or that they at least don't talk about, although they are
fully aware of short periods when there's been more than one
relationship in my life.</p>
<p>So maybe they know, maybe they're in denial and maybe they
simply don't know at all.</p>
<p>The big question is, though, why I haven't talked clearly with
my parents. What is it that holds me back? Well, partly, it might
be that when I mentioned "open relationships" to my mom a number of
years ago, she replied with "That's something I just don't
understand" and started looking at whatever it was she had in her
lap (a book? I don't recall).</p>
<p>It's clearly time I take up the matter again (and not just talk
about taking it up ;-)).</p>
Books on love and polyamory: Suzanne Brøggerhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-book-1/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2008-06-08T23:34:57Z
<p>Earlier today, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> read pieces from "Paths and
Detours of Love" (swedish title is "Kärlekens vägar och
villovägar"), written by Suzanne Brøgger.</p>
<p>More or less everything that I heard echoed thoughts I've had
for quite a while. Thoughts on love, jealousy, limits and unlimited
views and more.</p>
<p>Without having read the book in its entirity yet (just started
myself), I still feel I can safely recommend this book to anyone
who's wondered about this subject. I don't think you have to be
poly to read it, just have an interest for thoughts on love and
what it really is. Maybe you'll find yourself agreeing, maybe you
will disagree violently, and still, you will learn something, be it
what is in your heart or what can provoke a reaction in you.</p>
<p>I might quote some passages as I read this book. We'll see.</p>
I am homehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/I-am-home/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2008-06-08T23:29:00Z
<p>I've said this to a few people in the last few days; when it
comes to relationships, I feel very much at home, more than I can
remember having felt before. I feel a little uneasy quantifying it
like that, but on the other hand, a large part of it may as well be
that I have changed over time, that I know very much more what I
want and how, and feel much safer expressing my emotions.</p>
<p>This isn't meant to belittle anyone who was with me before. I
appreciate each path that I've shared and what I have learned along
that path, and I can only hope that my previous companions can find
something to appreciate as well.</p>
<p>A crucial part of feeling at home is that I currently live a
polyamorous relationship, defined as such from the get go. My
primary relationship is with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a>, and there's <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/AsF/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>another</a> forming
in steps.</p>
<p>This conforms with my thoughts that love is endless,
unlimited.</p>
I feel sorryhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/I-feel-sorry/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2008-06-04T19:05:42Z
<p>I feel sorry for the man who has an open relationship with a
woman, and gets jealous when the woman opens up to another to the
point that he ruins his relationship and ends up getting rejected
by her.</p>
<p>I feel sorry for the man who was imposed sex by a homosexual man
and ends up projecting the act on all homosexuals with hatred.</p>
<p>I feel sorry for all those who are consumed by ghosts in their
minds and do not know the way out.</p>
<p>I feel sorry...</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Imagine all the people<br />
Living life in peace...</p>
</blockquote>
The poly boom continues...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/boom2/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2008-05-14T20:10:48Z
<p>Is the world ready for polyamory to become something more
common? Judging from Tilda Swinton "<a href=
"http://www.nowmagazine.co.uk/celebrity-news/249732/tilda-swinton-defends-her-unconventional-love-life/1/">coming</a>
<a href=
"http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/showbiz/showbiznews.html?in_article_id=505130&in_page_id=1773">
out</a>",it does look that way. Is this the next step after having
seen a <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/boom/">flury of articles</a> about
the matter?</p>
Polyamory no longer all over again, epiloguehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-not-again-epilogue/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-07-24T15:00:13Z
<p>Someone said "I thought you had already decided not to go
polyamorous?"</p>
<p>Well, in truth, I almost had. The "almost" part was a small hope
that my relationship with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a> could turn poly or at least
accepting when faced with exactly the kind of thing that happened
two weeks ago.</p>
<p>That was silly to the extreme, really, but hey, there it is.
What it proved was that I hadn't considered our relationship deeply
enough, with everything it implies. I had not considered what to do
with overwhelming emotions well enough. I actually thought I could
limit it to "friendship", and, well, that wasn't the whole truth.
It's sometimes incredible how powerful loving energies are.</p>
Polyamory all over again (well, not so much any more), take 7http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-again-7/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-07-23T07:27:32Z
<p>Well, to be honest, on certain levels, I did my own therapy. On
the other hand, isn't that the very purpose of therapy, that the
"patient" (what the hell is it really called?) is really supposed
to find the answer within him/herself and just needs help getting
it out?</p>
<p>In the end, I realised that the conflict I was having was about
what to do with the emotions and the energies that get awakened
with others. I've always been thinking that I <em>must</em> act
them out with the one they got awakened with, while in reality, I
don't really have to. I can feel the feeling, bring it home inside
myself and then act the energy wherever I want. I can choose and
take responsability for that choice!</p>
<p>The only thing that disturbed me with that concept was that if I
can disconnect the emotion from the person it got awakened with,
what would stop me from doing exactly that with <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a>? Why do I
bind myself to her, on a deep level (because by now, it's very
obvious that I do and that I'm keep on choosing to do so!)? That's
one of the things I needed the therapist to help me figure out, and
she did. She helped me see what common ground we really share, and
that went deep!</p>
<p>Another thing that I worked with was trying to figure out why
this desire for another woman came up at all. The answer came
crashing when the therapist asked me how long after Jacob left
Sweden this happened.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">--*-O-*--</p>
<p>Somewhere along the way, I realised that I've found my goddess.
That's something that I've said before, but this time, it comes
from the depths of me. I also realised that all other relationships
I had were simply steps to lead me to this place. While that can
seem like a horrible thing to say (and I felt it was at first!), I
must also remember that for each previous partner, their
relationship with me was also a step on their path of life, leading
them to wherever they are today. I've no problem thinking like
this, and I feel <em>honored</em> that I was part of those
paths.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">--*-O-*--</p>
<p>By now, it's obvious that I've made up my mind and heart. I'm
saying goodbye to my wish to live polyamorously. I've found my
divine place and intend to stay there. This is my freedom and this
is exactly the place I want to be.</p>
<p>It doesn't mean that I'm turning my back on polyamory as a
concept. When I talk about relationships, it will always be there
and I will happily mention it as a possibility for others to
explore, if for nothing else then to wake people up from the
normativity of monoamory and have them think outside their box. If
I ever get into politics, I will work to make room for alternatives
in the laws surrounding marriage and registered relationships.</p>
<p>And it doesn't mean that I'll stop being cuddly with my friends
or enjoy the occasional human snake pit. It just means that I've
made a decision about what my heart calls home.</p>
<p>Finally, to those who would consider this a failure of mine,
I'll flip a finger and tell them to come back when they've matured
a bit more :-).</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">--*-O-*--</p>
<p>Now, there's more work to do. Trying to figure ourselves and
each out, and what we can really base our lives on. What do I
really want out of my partner? What does she want out of me? What
common ground can we find if we dig deeper?</p>
<p>This is exciting!</p>
Polyamory all over again, take 6http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-again-6/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-07-21T23:29:23Z
<p>Just talked with a dear friend who's had a poly life, currently
lives monoamorously and usually has a good grip on things.</p>
<p>He basically said what he does, he feels the feelings, feels the
love, loves the hugs, then takes home the feelingd and channel them
on his wife.</p>
<p>Intellectually, I could immediately see the brilliance of that
method. It means no compromising your emotions, and a way to act on
them without "having to resort to" cheating or leaving.<br />
Now, all I have to do is make sure I can really integrate this into
myself, that I don't go around fooling myself and compromising
myself again. If I do (compromise myself), then this story is bound
to happen again, and again, and again, until I resolve it for real.
I'll use tomorrow's therapy session for that.</p>
Polyamory again, take 5http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-again-5/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-07-20T15:39:04Z
<p>You know, the <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-again-4/">previous
note</a> didn't come out right regarding this other woman. It's not
what I felt for her diminished because my feelings for <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a> shifted. It's
more like...</p>
<p>Let's say it like this; I'm rediscovering that for a
relationship to sustain, it needs being nurtured, by contact,
touch, sharing, fondling, ... yeah, you get it. This other woman I
talked about, well, I haven't told her how I feel about her, mainly
because this situation has become an issue between <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a> and me. Since
I see my relationship with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a> as my primary relationship
(<em>see the <a href="http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq/"
title="Polyamory FAQ">Polyamory FAQ</a>, subject 4</em>), I can't
go have another relationship while the issue is there. I've already
done that mistake once a few years ago, and that's once too much
already.</p>
<p>So, since I've done nothing to nurture a relationship with that
other woman (let alone start it at all! <img src="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/smileys/smile.png" alt=":-)" /> ), such thoughts are
kind of dwiddling away slowly, just leaving a nice fondness in my
heart.</p>
Polyamory all over again, take 4http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-again-4/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-07-20T15:07:18Z
<p>In the last couple of days, I've experienced a shift in myself.
I've found a new level of appreciation for <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/"
rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a>, and the love that I
experienced <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-again/">less than a week
ago</a> has... well, not diminished per se, but become less
important in comparison.</p>
<p>While such a shift makes the choice between polyamory and my
current relationship less conflictuous in the moment, it doesn't
really resolve the issue. This kind of event will repeat itself
over and over until it gets resolved in a truly viable way where
everyone is satisfied. It still requires the exact same work that's
going on right now.</p>
<p>I guess it has become much bigger than just a momentary flash of
love. It's becoming a deep decision if I go the path of poly life
or not for an extended period of time, and what I do with the
polyamory that does exist in me. This will require something that
takes care of that part of me for real, not just a suppression of
what's inside me, which is obviously what I did until a week
ago.</p>
<p>This is interesting work. Hard as hell, but also deeply
rewarding, I can already feel it today.</p>
<p>I have a friend who says "monogamy is broken", and I agree with
her at some level. The interesting thing is that you can as well
say that "polyamory is broken", for similar reasons. It entirely
depends on what choices you make in life, and how well those
choices work with who you are. In the end and in the big picture,
none of them is broken, they're just a choice you make for
yourself.</p>
Polyamory all over again, take 3http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-again-3/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-07-18T08:58:23Z
<p>Last night (really late, so I didn't get much sleep), I had a
fit of frustration. It's like I've a choice, either give up the
greatest woman I know (<em>that's now, so all the previous ones can
stop huffing and puffing, because you were the greatest I knew
then!</em>) or give up polyamory, and my answer to that choice is a
resounding HELL NO!</p>
<p>I was in a state of despair, because it felt like destiny was
forcing a choice down my throat. My heart still hurts right now,
but I'm finding a conviction that there's another way, a third path
that resolves this issue. All we have to do is to see it, be open
for it.</p>
<p>Here's hoping for a great future. Somehow, there's greateness at
the end of this process, that I know.</p>
Polyamory all over again, take 2http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-again-2/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-07-16T14:06:37Z
<p>So we talked. To start with, I feel blessed being with <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a> yesterday,
she's really a goddess! No blame games, no fucking guilt trips,
none of that crap. Just talking about emotions, desires and what we
each want and don't want. In the midst of it all, there was some
crying and display of anger, of course, but still in a manner where
it was clear who owns those feelings and those reactions. That in
itself is just marvellous.</p>
<p>A few things became clear:</p>
<ul>
<li>We're not going to rush things. After all, it's only been less
than three days by now since my <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-again/">realisation</a>, and that realisation
in itself may not be as clear and solid as it seemed at first.</li>
<li>We're both gonna talk with a third wise person (incidently, the
same <img src="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/smileys/smile.png" alt=":-)" /> ) to try to figure out what really lies behind this, what
qualities it is that I'm looking for for me, and for <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a>, whatever she
needs to figure out.</li>
<li>That the whole situation isn't as clear as I first saw it.</li>
</ul>
<p>As part of getting an indication of where we're going, we both
layed a Tarrot (<em>and let me be very clear from the start; I
don't give a flying fuck what you believe in, and if you're tempted
to laugh at me or be full of scorn, I think you should go screw
yourself first. I'm way too sensitive to deal with your bullshit
right now</em>). What matters is not so much the cards, but rather
the questions and insights that catch my eye, that are important to
me in the context of the situation at hand. The ones I wrote up so
I can explore them more deeply are:</p>
<dl>
<dt>The Empress, as answer to "What comes in the future?"</dt>
<dd><em>Advice:</em> Visualise your ideal woman! Write down her
most important qualities! Try to find these in others and in
yourself. Suround yourself with beauty and abundance.</dd>
<dt>Queen of Swords, as answer to "What needs to be done?"</dt>
<dd><em>Question:</em> What old "altars" exist in your vicinity and
in your life right now? Do you have the courage to destroy
them?<br />
<em>Advise:</em> Look inside yourself, see if your revolt is
grounded in love.</dd>
<dt>Knight of Cups, as answer to "What's the strengthening or
destructive energi from outside?"</dt>
<dd><em>Implies:</em> You're longing for an intense exchange with
like-minded peers.<br />
<em>Question:</em> How can you enrich the exchange in your
relationships?<br />
<em>Advice:</em> Look for your true family, the circle of people
where you feel most at home. That's where you will find the kind of
exchange that you're longing for.</dd>
<dt>King of Swords, as answer to "What's your biggest hope or
biggest fear?"</dt>
<dd><em>Question:</em> What convictions, feelings, relationships or
fixed ideas do you let yourself be limited by?<br />
<em>Suggestion:</em> Learn about creative visualisation. Read
Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain.</dd>
</dl>
<p style="text-align: center;">--*-O-*--</p>
<p>So, I've been thinking, partly about what my ideal woman is, and
partly what I'm longing for. I'm far from done, there is more
coming, but at least, this is a start.</p>
<p>Also, The thoughts and questions that came with the Queen and
the King of Swords are definitely related. I'm already on a path of
destroying old "altars" (in other words, old forms, old habits, old
traditions that simply do not apply to me any more), but the
question that comes with the King of Swords is very enlightening.
Am I just replacing one "altar" with another? That's a very good
question.</p>
<p>My ideal woman is free (free of all the "shoulds" and "musts"
that come unto is from parts of society, free as in no bullshit,
and free as in no unspoken dependencies), loving (in general, not
just reserved to me), sexual, understanding, soft (no dominatrix
for me! :)), knows what she wants and can express it, enjoys the
simple things in life, beautiful (in my eyes, of course, which
doesn't agree with the common bullshit view on beauty most of the
times), willing to talk (I mean really talk), polyamorous or at
least willing to accept it, willing to explore life with me...</p>
<p>I'm actually longing for a few things that I never really had in
my life:</p>
<ul>
<li>I see myself as polyamorous, but I've never really, truly lived
polyamorously, I've just had small moments that were experimental
of sorts, but nothing more, and I didn't handle it very well at all
toward my then <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/" rel=
'friend ex-spouse met'>wife</a>. So living it is an experience I
long for.</li>
<li>I'm discovering, as I'm waking up more and more from years of
emotional numbness, that I've a sexual appetite that I never knew
existed. I can easily imagine myself in quite a few scenarios, some
of them <em>quite</em> depraved (or maybe that's kinky?), in the
common views of sexual experience.<br />
I find myself looking back at my teens, and regretting that I never
got to experience the wilder and relatively free sex that seems to
be fairly common in that age (I was a complete virgin until I was
21). Some will tell me that I should be happy I didn't do that, but
you know, I don't give a rat's ass. It's an experience that I feel
the lack of. Wild sex.</li>
</ul>
<p>When (and if...) I've experienced those things, truly and fully,
I have no idea what would come next. Maybe I would simply return to
my current self, satisfied with those experiences and what I learn
from them? Maybe it would be a very sharp change of paths? Who the
hell knows?</p>
<p>The real question is, should I pursue those longings? They are
pretty powerful, so I can't just turn my back at them and pretend
they aren't there. Question is if I can experience some of it in my
current relationship or if I need to make radical changes for it to
happen? Hold on, I'm not done! It may look like those two longings
aren't related, but what if they are? What if my longing for
polyamory is really a sexual desire? I currently don't believe so,
but I can't deny the possibility either! I simply do not know.</p>
<p>So here I am, with a few more answers, and some new
questions.</p>
<p><strong>Next!</strong></p>
Polyamory all over again?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/poly-again/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-07-14T00:12:37Z
<p>It's been a long time since I talked about polyamory (see
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/2003-09-23-10-24/">this entry</a>). Part of
it was that I decided to get into a relationship with a woman that
doesn't want polyamory in her life (see <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/2004-05-21-03-12/">this entry</a>), for reasons I
could respect.</p>
<p>Today, I'm asking myself if I made the best choice. Well, for
the time that has been, it <em>has</em> been a good choice, there's
no doubt about it. Today, however, I'm wondering if I really should
stay with that choice, or if that's just an adaptation based on
habit rather than what I want with my life. In other words, is my
current situation part of my true self or am I adapting to <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a>'s choice?
I've talked about adaptation and how poisonous it can be <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/2004-03-13-21-26/">before</a>...</p>
<p>The part that really triggered these thoughts is that I'm
noticing that I'm smitten with another woman. Noone knows it yet
(well, that was true until you read this, dear readers <img src="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/smileys/smile.png" alt=":-)" /> ), and
up until a few days ago, neither did I, although I realise that
I've hidden away this emotion for a while, even from myself. But
today, my heart is bursting, and I feel limited by my own choice to
have a monoamorous relationship.</p>
<p>So what do I do with this? Dunno, really, except I have a
choice. I could bottle up those new feelings, pretend they aren't
there. But then I'm living a lie, so that's not a good choice. Next
choice, is to acknowlege those feelings and talk about it with
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a>. The
tough part is that I expect to lose her in that case. Are there
more choices? Previously, I was certain I could channel those
emotions by being a really good friend, but what I discovered was
that while doing exactly that, I felt like I was bursting and had
to fight hard not to smooch her! So either I'm not strong enough,
or the life choice I've made is terribly wrong. The way it feels
right now, it seems like the latter is the correct guess.</p>
<p>Either way, before I do anything else, I need to talk with
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a>. I'm
not going to do the same stupid mistake of keeping silent as I did
with my <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/" rel='friend ex-spouse met'>ex</a>.
Even if it feels tough in the moment, it's better to tell the truth
as it looks to me than not saying anything and living a lie. But
<em>boy</em>, does it feel tough.</p>
<p><strong>Update:</strong> You know, I'm realising that this entry
seems to be about going from one woman to another. It's not. It's
just that through this situation, I'm not sure any more if
monoamory is the right thing for me. After all, this other woman
doesn't know (well, I haven't said anything to her yet, although
she may have guessed), so I'm also taking the risk of ending up
single!</p>
<p>The point is that I can't see a real reason for me to limit
myself to one any more. That's what this is really about.</p>
Poly boom?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/boom/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-09-16T18:50:07Z
<p><em>[ Sorry for all the swedish links ]</em></p>
<p>I'm starting to notice that common awareness of polyamory is
<a href=
"http://www.aftonbladet.se/vss/karleksex/story/0,2789,632993,00.html">
expanding</a>, <a href=
"http://www.aftonbladet.se/vss/karleksex/story/0,2789,634711,00.html">
more and more</a>. This is nice.</p>
<p>Actually, it's being an increasing issue of interest in Sweden.
The <a href="http://www.feministisktinitiativ.se" title=
"Feminist Initiative">Feminist Initiative</a> political party
<a href=
"http://www.feministisktinitiativ.se/artiklar.php?show=53">made it
one of the issues that they work for</a>.</p>
<p>It's going to be interesting to see where this goes...</p>
Polyamoryhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/2004-08-16-11-19/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2004-08-16T11:19:00Z
<p>I just found a term that describes how I view polyamory:
emotional predisposition ("känslomässig disposition" in
swedish).</p>
<p>Beautiful!</p>
An update on lifehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/2004-05-21-03-12/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2004-05-21T03:12:00Z
<p>[NOTE: This entry will be edited when I remember more. It may be
edited for corrections...]</p>
<p>There's a lot that has happened since my ex (let's call her G)
and I separated. Let's take it from the start...</p>
<p>Sometime in the winter 2003, I got in touch with a therapist for
whome I have high regard. Working with him, I connected truth and
what that really is with thoughts that kept on reminding me of
things I had thought long ago, as well as integrity. I finally got
a good sense of what emotions really are, who owns them, and the
fact that one can't be guilty for the emotions that others feel as
part of interacting with them. Something I was reminded of is that
there is no absolute truth, that there's always an interpretation
that each and every one of us do. If we're lucky, there are truths
(hopefully a majority or them) that everyone agrees upon.</p>
<p>The greatest gift Ian gave me was to help me connect with my
feelings and emothions, something I haven't really done for a lot
of years (about 15 or so), and thereby be connected with my truth
instead of being "under someone else's control" (which is basically
that I allow someone else to make decisions for me, in an
unconscious or semi-unconscious way).</p>
<p>Another gift was to help me see how I can live more in the
moment, and be truthful in that.</p>
<p>All of that and much more has allowed me to live by looking
forward instead of looking at my past all the time and being
dragged down in a black spiral of despair over all the mistakes
I've made (and I've made some, believe you me!). It's also allowed
me to open my eyes to the stuff that happens in other people. I can
see fear in the blame much more clearly instead of taking the blame
and let that drag me down, and sometimes figure out a way to go
past that fear and do some true processing of it. I can see my own
fears much more clearly, and work on them or with them.</p>
<p>One of my biggest fears has been the fear of conflict. I tended
to do whatever I could to avoid a fight, including saying "yes" to
something my true self should have answered "no" to.</p>
<hr />
<p>During the same winter, I was exploring a possible relationship
with a Swedish woman (let's call her B). She couldn't see us having
a full relationship because of my being polyamorous [1] and my wish
to live polyamorously, but at the same time didn't want us to part,
so we kept a relationship that could be seen as siblinghood, even
though we aren't related.</p>
<hr />
<p>In the third week of March 2004, I agreed to have another woman
from the states (let's call her Z) come over to Sweden and spend 10
days with me, and possibly <a href="http://jacob.levitte.org/"
title="my son">my son</a>. When it was first suggested, I said that
I'd love it, but that I didn't think it was such a good idea,
mostly blaming the tense situation between my G and me. She became
quite insistent by the end of that week, asking me very
specifically what I wanted, and I'll admit it, I wanted to meet
her, and without looking at anything else, the answer became clear!
Also, because of ticket price technicalities, I was under the
impression that a quick decision was necessary, so instead of doing
what I should have, to think it over for a day or so, I decided
there and then that she should come over. Way too fast!</p>
<p>Saturday March 20th, I was at a dance with B, and <em>god</em>
did we dance well together. The best ever so far. Some time after
the dance, I told her about Z's future visit, and she was a bit
taken aback, but knowing I wanted a poly life, she couldn't really
say much since she had accepted it in itself, just not as an
integral part of her life.</p>
<p>Sunday March 21st, I felt like a was walking in darkness. I
recognised that feeling as meaning there's something that's not
quite right. I mailed G to tell her about Z's future visit,
thinking that was it, that I had forgotten to do that. Later that
evening, I got a letter from B that was so full of love and sadness
that it really struck me. Still, I needed to look inside myself to
see what was my truth in all of this.</p>
<p>Monday March 22nd, I was woken up early in the morning by a call
from G, basically screaming "ARE YOU CRAZY?" at me. I'm not sure I
was crazy in the sense she meant (I mostly recall her saying that
she would have to walk under my window every morning and wonder
what would go on inside. Much later, I figured that G really didn't
<em>have</em> to walk under my window, there are nice alternate
paths to the subway, and through a nice park at that!).</p>
<p>Later the same morning, I had a very sudden and <em>very</em>
powerful emotional storm. The image I keep seeing is all my
emotions as small particles spinning around in a huge tornado. It
felt like everything was up in the air. It was powerful enough to
knock me down physically, I had to lie down and just breathe
deeply. After a while, there were a few images coming up,
associated with importance (I knew this, maybe because that's what
I wanted). The first image was B's face, closely followed by my
son's face. A short moment later, G's face showed up. As for Z, her
image never stabilised (this makes me very sad, because it means I
fooled both her, myself and everyone else about my feelings toward
her).</p>
<p>It became clear that I had to rethink a number of things. The
first thing I did was to ask Z not to come to Sweden after all, and
I wrote why, as clearly as I could (I have looked at my mail again,
and considering my emotional state then, it was amazingly clear).
The next thing was to reach in and figure out what I really felt
about B, and I found that I was very much in love, so much I
started considering living monoamorously. With clarity came some
conditions for me to do so (among others, I could absolutely not
see myself turing to a monoamorous life if that was based on fear,
for example jealousy). I wrote B about this, and asked that we meet
as soon as possible, also saying that we really need to talk about
things and that I have some questions to ask.</p>
<p>Wednesday March 24th, in the evening, I went over to B and we
talked for a long time. I found out that she didn't want a poly
relationship because she didn't see that she would be able to
handle the energies from other partners when I would come to her.
That's entirely fair, so I went along with that, saying that I'm
still polyamorous at heart but do not absolutely need to live it,
and that she has a higher priority. So basically, this is the time
when we consider having started being together.</p>
<p>One might wonder what became of G at this point... Well, she got
in touch with Z and they shared the horibilities of my games from
before, and the were both really pissed at me, something I do
understand. As for my own feelings, I feelt like I had a connection
with G at multiple levels; we're both parents to the same boy, and
need to keep in touch to take good care of him, and she's part of
my life, having lived together for five years, and I do love her,
even if I'm no longer in love with her.</p>
<p>[THERE WILL BE MORE IN OTHER ENTRIES]</p>
<hr />
<p>Footnotes:</p>
<p>[1] Let's make something REALLY clear: when I talk about
polyamory, I see two things; one is about the capacity of an
individual, "being polyamorous at heart", and is just about being
able to be in love with more than one person. The other is about
the way one lives, and here's where "rules" and moral values come
in. Basically, it's about how you act your polyamory. This is
controvertial, as it means that someone who cheats may be
polyamorous at heart, even when he or she doesn't follow the common
moral rules coming with polyamorous relationships. I'm pretty sure
a lot of people will strongly disagree with me, but I really don't
give a crap, these thoughts are a result of years of unusually
clear thinking. Anyhow, this is the reason I can say that I'm
polyamorous at heart but do not live polyamorously.</p>
Polyamoryhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/2003-09-23-10-24/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2003-09-23T10:24:00Z
<p>Polyamory is tricky stuff. And it can get messy when the primary
relationship is trashed. Not a pretty picture, believe me.</p>
<p>One mistake that I just learned for good not to do is to keep
silent. My excuse was that I needed to think about stuff, structure
it in my head (which is true), and completely failed the oh so
simple just telling the facts and ask for further discussion to
come later. It's possible that this oh so simple thing gets
grumbled by my wife's usual wish to talk NOW, not later, something
I find very intimidating.</p>
<p>Either way, I'm finding that polyamory is something I need in my
life. For me, the alternative is to bottle up those emotions, and I
honestly can't say if it will only be those, or if other emotions
will follow into the bottle. I've done that enough in my life, and
I just decided that I need to stop doing that and start
reconnecting with that part of me.</p>
<p>So what exactly is polyamory? So far, my experience is that
there are as many answers as there are people being asked about it,
although they have a certain amount of similarities. I won't go
into what other people say, that's up to them. Instead, here's my
variant:</p>
<p>Polyamory, for me, is very simple the ability to love (be in
love with) more than one person.</p>
<p>Since I'm the type of person that wants to build models around
things in life, I've spent a couple of years just thinking about
the concept of polyamory and modelling.</p>
<p>My first thought was that my "heart" (I put it in quotes snice
it's not really my physical heart we're talking about here) can be
divided into a number of chambers, one for each person I'm
simultaneously in love with. That felt very awkward, since it would
either mean that the heart would have to grow to fit all the loves,
or the chambers would be smaller (i.e. the love would be smaller)
with each added person, or there would be empty chambers (and how
many chambers are there?).</p>
<p>I slowly grew the idea that it's not really one heart, it's a
bunch of parallell hearts, and so far, I have no idea what the
limit would be. I've found that I have to pace myself so I don't
get a scheduling hell, but there's definitely more hearts in me
than have been "occupied" so far.</p>
<p>Either way, the "parallell hearts" model fits my feelings quite
well. It allows each relationship to be fairly independent (no, I'm
not fooling myself, the different relationship will affect each
other to a certain degree), and grow in different directions.</p>
<p>In connection to polyamory, sometimes triads (where three people
live and share their lives together) are mentioned. I once
considered the possibility of inviting another person into our bed,
but I'm not sure I'm ready for that. It's not like I'm closed to
the idea, just... not now.</p>
<p><a href=
"http://www.polyamory.org">http://www.polyamory.org</a></p>