<p>ⓒ Richard Levitte</p>
http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/archive-Jacob/Richard Levitte's journalikiwiki2011-03-18T09:58:22ZSelf doubt...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/self-doubt/2011-03-18T09:58:22Z2011-03-14T10:43:37Z
<p>"Make sure that ..."<br />
That's all it took for my enthusiasm to dwiddle and faint.
Performance anxiety and guilt hit me like a sledge hammer.</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>"bad father, bad father..." echoing in my mind</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>And all I want is to be there for his 10th birthday. I haven't
seen him for 2 years, finances just haven't been there.</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>"bad father, bad father..." whispering in my mind</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>Should I listen to him, talking each time about what he wants to
show me when I come over (with no further saying of when that would
be)?<br />
Should I listen to her, talking about how I must make sure that...,
and let that stop me unless I can fulfill the apparent demands?</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>"bad father, bad father..." loudly in my mind</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>The darkness tells me, whispering, that maybe, just maybe, the
best would be not to go, for all the expectations that it would
otherwise awaken and potentially be broken.</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>"bad father, bad father..." echoing in my mind</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>I seek her approval, it's quite obvious now. Do I need to?
Dunno. Why? Dunno, but the dynamic has been such for a long
time.</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>"bad father, bad father..." trikeling in my mind, like a
poison</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>Be still, mind, shut the hell up for a bit, stop poisoning me. I
cannot endure this, I cannot see through the fog unless you shut
the hell up for a bit.</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>...</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>Thank you.</p>
Ask and you shall be givenhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/ask-and-be-given/2009-05-19T16:12:08Z2009-05-19T16:12:08Z
<p>When asking for help, someone does step up... a therapy session
can do wonders at time.</p>
<p>The questions are still there, but are different...</p>
How do you...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/how-do-you/2009-05-19T15:52:10Z2009-05-19T08:14:21Z
<p>How do you reach out to someone who's closed the door?<br />
How do you get the words and the emotions to reach her ear?<br />
How do you keep on going when you're about to give up?<br />
How do you keep on talking when the words feel old and worn?</p>
<p>I'm losing a battle. With myself or with her, I don't
know.<br />
(most probably both)<br />
I'm losing a battle, for I've lost the force and the will.<br />
I'm losing a battle, for I lack the courage to keep on.<br />
I'm losing a battle, and a child suffers the consequences.</p>
<p>Help...</p>
<p><em>[ this is written as I re-read a conversation I had with a
friend over issues with my ex and emotions that follow ]</em></p>
Visiting Jacob, spring 2009, epiloguehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/visiting-jacob-spring-2009-3/2009-05-04T04:24:42Z2009-05-04T04:21:36Z
<p>It's been a wonderful two weeks with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a>, one where I got surprisingly much alone time
with him, something I appreciate a lot!<br />
The first week, he was on vacation, so we were free to do whatever
we wanted. Science Museum, Children's museum and going for a movie
("Monsters vs Aliens") were the things we went to, other than that,
we were mostly at the playgrounds or simply at home being a bit
lazy but bonding all the same...<br />
The second week was a school week, so there wasn't much time for
special things, but I got to simply father him during those kinds
of days as well.</p>
<p>The days were a bit muddied by <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/" rel=
'friend ex-spouse met'>Lisa</a> and I having a hard time with each
other (she doesn't have an easy time right now, so I can understand
where some of it comes from), and me getting <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/Not-leaving/">some rathar dark thoughts</a>... All
this because we have a continuous conflict around <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a>'s summer visits to
Sweden.</p>
<p>The trip home became another soap opera, with the hydraulics of
the plane breaking down at Logan Airport... spare parts were
apparently hard to be found, but about 3 hours after we were
supposed to take off, the problem was repaired and verified for
security, and we could board the plane for Paris. Unfortunately, it
means that I'm missing my next flight to Stockholm, and I've no
idea when I'll actually get home. We'll see. (had we been on
announced schedule, I would have landed in France about 15 minutes
ago)</p>
<p>(<span class="createlink">to be continued...</span>)</p>
Not leaving...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/Not-leaving/2009-05-02T22:10:22Z2009-05-02T06:22:00Z
<blockquote>
<p><strong>Oh Father</strong><br />
How is it possible<br />
to just leave your children<br />
with not a backward glance?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>She's written those words, not meant for me,<br />
and yet, they touch my heart directly.<br />
For I had considered exactly this, but a few days ago.</p>
<p>It was part of a crisis, an emotional one.<br />
I wanted to just give up, for it seemed<br />
like I would always have to use claws and teeth<br />
just to have my son in <em>my</em> life, for just a little bit.</p>
<p>I had considered to back off, to leave, to turn my back,<br />
thinking maybe that's what the mother wants.<br />
I had considered to back off, to leave, to turn my back,<br />
for maybe this continuous dispute is bad for him.<br />
I had considered to back off, to leave, to turn my back,<br />
for I was tired of fighting over him.</p>
<p>As I was sitting with him at the dinner table,<br />
looking at him, imagining this could be a last time,<br />
I had a vision of an older man, who had stopped smiling.<br />
No happiness no more... no life.<br />
Just walking along the paths of Råcksta,<br />
silently weeping at the memories of a little boy.</p>
<p>I cried.</p>
<p>I sit here now,<br />
crying at the memory of those thoughts and that vision.<br />
"How is it possible?" she wrote...<br />
No, it is not.</p>
Visiting Jacob, spring 2009, takeoffhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/visiting-jacob-spring-2009-2/2009-04-19T23:17:41Z2009-04-19T23:17:41Z
<p>I should go to bed... and will as soon as I'm done writing
this.</p>
<p>I'm taking off in a few hours, leaving home at about 06.30 CET
DST (05.30 UTC). I think I'm done packing, although I'm sure I've
forgotten something, or that I will be quite irritated that I can't
find my pouch for toothbrush, deo, shampoo, that kind of stuff...
But ah well, it's not a catastrophe.</p>
<p>I've got my passport and my e-ticket ready, I don't think
there's much else to do before going.</p>
<p>It'll be lovely to see <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a> again, it will be hard to be away from
kitties, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> and <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/"
rel='friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Karin</a>... but I know I'll be
back in two weeks.</p>
<p>Now, to bed, with just 5 hours to sleep. Tomorrow will be a
tired day, but I'll be able to sleep on the plane... as usual
<img src="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/smileys/smile4.png" alt=";-)" /></p>
Visiting Jacob, spring 2009, prologuehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/visiting-jacob-spring-2009-1/2009-04-07T14:09:08Z2009-04-07T14:09:08Z
<p>I've finally ordered tickets to go visit <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/"
rel='child met'>Jacob</a> by the end of April going into May.</p>
<p>New thing this year, I now have to ask the US for permission to
get on board the plane to the US, using an electronic system called
<a href=
"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electronic%20System%20for%20Travel%20Authorization">
Electronic System for Travel Authorization</a> (or ESTA). I only
realised that there might be something more I needed to do
<em>after</em> I bought the tickets, and I'll admit my heart was
sinking at the thought of this being a process that takes many
days, that there was a possibility that I wouldn't get the
authorization in time...</p>
<p>Fortunately, I didn't need to worry, I was immediately
authorized as soon as I had filled in all the data. On the other
hand, it means that I'm registered in the databases at the <a href=
"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United%20States%20Department%20of%20Homeland%20Security">
United States Department of Homeland Security</a>. I didn't really
look forward to that, but all in all, it's more important that I
visit <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a>.</p>
Plasticity of the brainhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/plasticity-of-the-brain/2009-03-27T06:07:14Z2009-03-27T05:36:27Z
<p>In early discussions about what's important for <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a>'s development <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/archive-Jacob/#fn:jacobfootnote" id="fnref:jacobfootnote" class="footnote" name=
"fnref:jacobfootnote">1</a>, I've been told many times that it's
very important to act early (it's often called "early
intervention"), because the plasticity of the brain diminishes
quite a lot after the 4-ish first years.</p>
<p>Now, I'm reading <a href=
"http://wwwc.svd.se/dynamiskt/idag/did_15399449.asp">this
article</a> (in Swedish, sorry) that talks about how the brain
works and how it changes quite a lot during the teens an beyond,
not really setting before the age of 25, all according to american
neuroscientist Jay Giedd. According to the article, Jay Giedd
didn't believe his eyes when he saw how much change is going on in
the teens.</p>
<p>Googling a bit, I found some more articles telling the same
story (in English):</p>
<ul>
<li><a href=
"http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/interviews/giedd.html">
Jay Giedd explains</a></li>
<li><a href=
"http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/work/adolescent.html">
In depth</a> (make sure to read the cautionary words in this
one...)</li>
</ul>
<p>Reading this is interesting, and reassuring in a way.</p>
<div class="footnotes">
<hr />
<ol>
<li id="fn:jacobfootnote">
<p>Jacob has been diagnosed early with some difficulties that are
within the autistic spectrum, which lead to discussions about his
development.<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/archive-Jacob/#fnref:jacobfootnote" class=
"reversefootnote"> ↩</a></p>
</li>
</ol>
</div>
Jacob...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/Jacob/2008-12-03T09:17:20Z2008-12-03T09:17:20Z
<p>I don't talk very much about <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a>, do I? Not here at least.</p>
<p>That lovely boy. That lovely son. That loving son.</p>
<p>I do talk about him, occasionally, with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/"
rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a> and <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/K/"
rel='friend kin ex-sweetheart met'>Karin</a>, and yet, that's also
it, occasionally.</p>
<p>I wonder why that is.</p>
<p>Is it a hidden pain of him being on the other side of the globe
that is behind my silence? A pain that I haven't unlocked? That's
keeps itself hidden from me?</p>
<p>Or do I simply not care?</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>Nah, I don't really believe that last one, or I wouldn't have
cared to write this entry.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>But still, I wonder.</p>
Visited Jacob, autumn 2008http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/autumn-visit-2008.end/2008-10-30T05:44:48Z2008-10-21T11:54:19Z
<p>Well, I though I'd write something while I was in Boston, but I
didn't. Laziness, maybe, or just other priorities.</p>
<p>All in all, a fairly good trip, although a hard one in a way, as
the realisation I don't have much of a <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/community-around-Boston/">community</a> when I might
need it. But apart from that, I had a marvelous time with <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a>, just spending time with
him doing more or less normal daily stuff just as well as doing
something special on weekends.</p>
<p>Among the more special stuff I recall, there are two that very
specially come to mind now...<br />
One was <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/being-shared/">being shared</a> with
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a>'s class. They have
this half hour after lunch every Tuesday when those who want to can
share something that's important to them one way or another. Most
share some toy that they currently enjoy or something like that.
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a> shared...
<em>me</em>! That felt very special, and went deep into my heart.
The class got to ask questions, and most were quite curious about
Sweden and how long it takes to travel to Boston, obviously trying
to make sense of being so far away, let alone <em>having a
parent</em> so far away.<br />
The other was making a road trip southward from Boston. We stopped
at Fall River and had a look at <a href=
"http://www.battleshipcove.org/">battle ships</a>, and then went on
to Wakefield to see <a href="http://www.toejampuppetband.com/">the
Toe Jam Puppet Band</a>. The latter was incredible fun, these guys
know how to get kids going, dancing and generally participating!
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a> had a blast! And
after the show, I got all surprised when one of the girls from the
band called to <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a> and
said "Hi"! It left a very nice feeling.</p>
My son shared me!http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/being-shared/2010-09-10T12:45:40Z2008-10-14T19:40:42Z
<p>Every tuesday after lunch, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a>'s class has a time for sharing something that
is special to them with the rest of the class.</p>
<p><a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a> decided to
share me, so I stood there in front of all his classmates, being
introduced with these words:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>This is my papa. I like him because I love him, and he lives in
Sweden.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Talk about an intro! A couple of hours later, I still had tears
in my eyes.</p>
<p>The class got to ask some questions, and we got to show where I
live on a world map. That was fun, but the intro will be what stays
with me the most, I think.</p>
<p>That boy is proud of his father, it's so clear.</p>
<p><em>For a moment after, when thinking about it, I felt like
Pippi Longstocking's dad... you know, a father that's away quite a
lot, but that's hugely celebrated when he's "home"...</em></p>
A rest stop on my way overhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/autumn-visit-2008.a-rest-stop/2008-10-06T12:23:17Z2008-10-06T12:23:17Z
<p>I didn't say it <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/autumn-visit-2008.beginning/">before</a>, but I'm
having a rest stop in the airport of Zürich. "Lovely airport" tells
me a friend on Facebook, not sure I personally have any special
feelings about it. It's calm and has a nice waiting area and a
hotspot allowing me to publish this note ;-).</p>
<p>On the plane over from Stockholm, I had the pleasant company of
a young Norwegian woman who works on her PhD in physics at the
Stockholm University and was on her way to <a href=
"http://www.cern.ch/">CERN</a>. Yeah, I'm a bit envious, that's a
site I'd love to see... and then, the Swiss landscape with it's
soft hills all over the place, marvelous! Next time, I'm having a
lay over for a few days rather than a few hours! Or I'll simply
travel here to see the place. Anyway, this woman was marvelous to
chit-chat a little bit with, too bad she was in a rush for her
plane to Geneva, I'd have loved to have talked a little more, over
a beer or a coffee, but hey, you can't get everything you want, and
I'm happy with the time we had.</p>
<p>So for now, I plan on just killing time, surfing on my favorite
sites, reading up on stuff I haven't read for a while, or...</p>
<p>My next flight, over to Boston, is in about 3 hours, boarding
starts on 2 and a half...</p>
Going to visit Jacob, autumn 2008http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/autumn-visit-2008.beginning/2008-10-06T06:50:26Z2008-10-06T06:50:26Z
<p>I'm sitting at the <a href="http://www.arlanda.se/">Arlanda
airport</a> with half an hour to kill before I have to go through
security, on my way over the <a href=
"http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlantic">big pond to the west</a> to
visit <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a> for a couple
of weeks as I regularly do, every autumn and spring.</p>
<p>I'm tired like hell, having slept way too little last night, but
a nice night it was, still. I've said goodbye to loved ones that I
will miss while I'm away, but will see again when I get back to
Sweden. And yet, I look forward to seeing my son again, it's been
just too long.</p>
<p>I aim to write fairly often, let's see if I can reach that aim
to my satisfaction.</p>
Jacob 7 years!http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/Jacob-7-years/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2008-06-11T11:31:53Z
<p>Yesterday was Jacob's 7th birthday!</p>
<p>Woohoo, happy birthday Jacob!</p>
<p>We had a nice little chat on the phone last night, he was right
in the middle of playing with the Lego Speed Racer I had sent him.
He had been or was going to be on some picknick with his school,
which sounds like a load of fun :-).</p>
<p>Love him, and while it's sometimes hard to be on the other side
of the planet, I stay confident that's he has a good life.</p>
Time passes, time passes...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/recap-2008/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2008-05-15T22:05:49Z
<p>Yet another year and with loooong silence from me. It was about
a year ago that I said anything about myself, wasn't it? Ah, yeah,
last time I said anything at all was a <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/it-s-a-customer/">rant about sane customer
relationships</a>...<br />
Last time I spoke about my life was even earlier, when I basically
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/its-been-a-long-time/">asked the universe to
shut the fuck up</a> :-).</p>
<p>Suffice to say that a lot has happened since. One of the
possibilities that I talked about in that last one was a new
relationship, which started not very long after. It started off
quite well, but somehow, we got off on the wrong foot somewhere in
the middle of the summer, and I spent all from august and on to try
to rectify that (my part at least). I imagine we got to a point
where the relationship would be workable, but unfortunately, other
conditions of life came in and made the relationship impossible,
and it ended a bit before Christmas (some time between the middle
of November and the beginning of December, depending on who you
ask).</p>
<p>I assume you've noticed that I'm not really giving very much
detail at all. This is one person that I won't even mention by
name, for the simple reason that I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want
me to. I guess that at some level, I'm protecting her even today,
and I'm probably going to keep doing so. I'll say, though, that I
miss her, at the very least as a friend (I haven't heard from her
since... some time in January or February).</p>
<p>Sometime during the autumn (I forget exactly when, but <a href=
"http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spyro_the_Dragon_(series)">spyro</a>
plays an important role in this happening), I started talking with
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/ChH/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Charlie</a>,
who I've know of for quite a while (because we're both on the same
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/poly">polyamory</a> mailing list) on <a href=
"http://www.facebook.com/">Facebook</a>. We quickly became fairly
close (as close as you can get through a text-only interface)
friends. With the help of a mutual friend, who just happened to
invite us both to the same event, we ended up meeting some time in
late November, and we had a very nice chat over a couple of beers
after that event. Among other things, we found we had many things
in common in our respective backgrounds (it almost got ridiculous,
really...). We realised that yes, we were interested in each other,
and a few weeks later (two, I think), a new (poly) relationship
started. It has deepened and developed ever since.</p>
<hr />
<p>Remember the endless search for a bigger apartment? Last time I
wrote about it, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/search-apartment-10/">I was
quite discouraged</a> and thought nothing would ever happen, but
last summer, something finally clicked and we were three people
doing a triangular trade, and I've ended up <a href=
"http://www.hitta.se/SearchCombi.aspx?vad=&var=nordingr%e5gatan+20">
here</a>. I moved on in the beginning of last autumn, we through a
renovation (through which I was evacuated <a href=
"http://www.hitta.se/SearchCombi.aspx?vad=&var=multr%e5gatan+19">
here</a>, which wasn't the nicest apartment, but hey, that was only
for 3 months!) and have ended up with something that has exactly
the kinds of wall papers I want and so on.<br />
Reaaaaally nice, and I'm really happy to be here, and it ended up
being what fulfills <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/search-apartment-1/">all
my needs</a> in the best possible way!</p>
<hr />
<p><a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a>... well, I
really dunno what to write here. On one hand, we keep visiting each
other, I've been over in Boston last autumn and this spring, and he
was over here in Sweden for Christmas, and... heh, I just figured I
<em>do</em> know what to write ;-)... and it's felt marvelous to be
with him the times it has been. It has felt marvelous to be able to
provide some space for him instead of being cramped in a 41 m²
apartment, even if it was in that evacuation apartment.</p>
<p>In his development, I've mostly noticed that his language gets
better each time I meet him, and it's quite nice to hold entire
conversations with him. It's equally nice to see him interact with
other kids, over in Boston as well as here (which I think he does
marvelously well, even if the other kids don't speak the same
language!). Last summer, when he was in Sweden, I watched him
interact with a girl for a long time, him speaking in English and
her in Swedish. Marvelous!</p>
<p>Credits where credits are due, thank you <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/"
rel='friend ex-spouse met'>Lisa</a>!</p>
<hr />
<p>What else... oh, yeah, work... nah, that'll be for another
entry, when I feel like it.</p>
Jacob was here!http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/summer-visit-2007/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2007-07-01T07:00:22Z
<p><a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a> will be flying
back home this evening after having spent 12 days here. It's been a
marvelous time nevertheless, and I feel I've a better connection
with him than I've had for a long time! It's probably because he
has been with me around the clock for the better part (8 days) of
this visit.</p>
<p>I'm realy writing this note because a friend reminded me ("I've
read through your blog to see how <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a> and you were doing... Not a word!"). Sorry, I
was too exhausted and simply forgot...</p>
<p>Anyhow, it's been an eventful and uneventful stay. Some days
were about going out, meeting friends, having lots of intense fun.
Some others were about just having a relaxed time, sometimes even
downright boring, which isn't bad in itself, as boredom visibly
sparks creativity (did <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a> read my previous entry? Somehow I doubt that
<img src="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/smileys/smile4.png" alt=";-)" /> ).</p>
<p>Some of the moments I will cherish the most are falling asleep
with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a>, taking him
to see <a href="http://www.clownenmanne.se/" title=
"The clown Manne">the clown Manne</a> (we saw "Uppåt väggarna",
which is with Manne's son and daughter, also clowns), seeing his
connection with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a> (they really formed a good
relationship of their own, which makes me happy!), spending time at
<a href="http://www.tomtit.se/" title="Tom Tits Experiment">Tom
Tits Experiment</a> with my first girlfriend (yes, we are friends
at this point) and her two daughters, and just marvelling at
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a>'s ability to
connect with other kids here, on any playground, even though they
don't understand each other's languages.</p>
<p>What else? Well, for starters, it feels like this spiritual
connection I've always felt with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a> has truly had a chance to be refuelled and
strengthened. I think very few will understand what such a
connection means and how important it is for it to exist to be able
sustain a long distance relationship with him, him living on the
other side of the Atlantic Pond and all. I'm putting it all on
having been with him around the clock for 8 days!</p>
<p>Anyhow, for being the last day that I'll see <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a> for a while, I'm in fairly
good spirits. I'm thinking of this as a relaxed day, haven't really
planned anything specific, just being together and doing what we
want with it. Oh, and I need to make his bags, which I had planned
to do in the morning before he wakes up, but didn't... Hmm, I
wonder what that really says about my state of mind...</p>
Visiting Jacob in Boston, autumn 2006http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/autumn-visit-2006/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-10-24T03:39:25Z
<p>What a joy it can be to see your son again, even if it's just
for two weeks!</p>
<p>I'm currently returning from yet another visit in Boston to see
my son. It was great to see him, as usual, and I just marvel at
what looks to me like leaps of development (of course, I understand
that it's only an illusion and that that his development really is
smoother than it seem to me).</p>
<p>I got to meet his new teachers, as he has moved on to Pre-K, and
the first teacher of the class almost double over herself over how
marvelous Jacob seems to integrate and interact with the rest of
the class, how positive he seems to be, always comfortable in his
skin (those were her words!).</p>
<p>What I did with him? In practice, no so much in particular, I
picked him up at school in the afternoons, played with him a lot,
cooked food for him, took him out to playgrounds and to places he
could bike. Basically being a parent, and we had a lovely time!</p>
<p>I'm discovering that for each visit, my love for this little
fellow seems to deepen more. It may also be that I become more
aware of my love for him as I go. I honestly don't know, but it's
really not that important which it is.</p>
<p>I took him out once, going to the <a href=
"http://www.fullmoonrestaurant.com/" title="Full Moon">Full
Moon</a> restaurant, and it was really for selfish reasons, I
wanted to meet a new friend who lives north of Boston, but it was
great anyway, she's already met Jacob, seems to love him to bits,
and the restaurant has a play area for kids, so Jacob could have a
fun time either way.</p>
<p>Photos will come up as soon as I have my new album structure set
up, and I hope I'll remember to update this entry with a link.</p>
Jacob will be here in less than two weeks!http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/summer-visit-2006/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-06-13T22:00:51Z
<p>In less than two weeks, I'm starting my summer vacation by
welcoming my son Jacob to Sweden. Soooo looking forward to having
him here, taking him places, or to my parents, or just have him for
myself for a day. We'll see what happens.</p>
<p>So right now, I'm preparing myself for his arrival. Simple
things like making sure I've food, getting a bed for him up (I'm
still in a small apartment, so there's gonna be an extra bed unless
I decide that I'll sleep on the couch), checking out things I can
do with him, ...</p>
My son visiting...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/my-son-visiting/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2006-01-02T00:50:47Z
<p>It's been an intense few days. <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/" rel=
'friend ex-spouse met'>Lisa</a> and <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a> flew here so he could visit Sweden, me, my
parents, ... They arrived on the 23rd, and we all went to the
apartment where they would live. Spent some time there, and then
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/" rel='friend ex-spouse met'>Lisa</a> and
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a> went to visit some
friends while I was dropped at my place.</p>
<p><strong>The next day</strong>, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a> and I spent checking out the area of the new
place I hope to move to soon, then went to my current place to have
dinner and spend some time together. <a target='_NEW' href=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/73800370cf2d7023f265693e7de2cb1ba73713a3.html">
<img align='right' src=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/73800370cf2d7023f265693e7de2cb1ba73713a3--thumbnail.jpg" />
</a>We found some of his old toys in the cellar and brought them
up, watched a movie (a Veggie Tales one I have in my movie
archive), played and had a general pleasant time together. Note
that this year, Christmas was a little unusual. We would normally
celebrate it on this day, the 24th, as is customary in Sweden, but
for practical reasons, we chose to celebrate it on the 25th
instead.</p>
<p>So, <strong>the 25th</strong>, we went to my parents. Picked up
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a> on
the way, and went on to celebrate Christmas. The people present
were my parents of course, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/PhS/" rel=
'sibling met'>my brother</a>, my aunt Karin, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/"
rel='child met'>Jacob</a>, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a> and me.</p>
<p><a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a> had a bit of
trouble with all the grownups chattering away at the dining table
to start with, <a target='_NEW' href=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/417a66ef4137e487a898a4dcae9ce1539c6110a5.html">
<img align='left' src=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/417a66ef4137e487a898a4dcae9ce1539c6110a5--thumbnail.jpg" />
</a>but came back after a little while, and seemed to enjoy
unpacking he presents, playing with us, watching a little bit of
TV, ...<br clear="all" /></p>
<p><strong>The 26th</strong>, I took <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a> back to my parents again, just to spend time
and to celebrate <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/MFL/" rel='parent met'>my
mom's</a> birtday as well.</p>
<p><strong>The 27th</strong> (yesterday or today, depending on how
you look at it <img src="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/smileys/smile.png" alt=":-)" /> ), <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a>, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a> and I went to <a href=
"http://www.junibacken.se" title="Junibacken">Junibacken</a>, which
is a wonderful place for a kid, very much dedicated to the works of
<a href="http://www.astridlindgren.se/" title=
"Astrid Lindgren">Astrid Lindgren</a>. <a target='_NEW' href=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/b62def905082805eb9af61d2d3bdfcd9f63f822c.html">
<img align='right' src=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/b62def905082805eb9af61d2d3bdfcd9f63f822c--thumbnail.jpg" />
</a>It's filled with exhibits that you can play in and with.
<a target='_NEW' href=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/de0ab54efa1cb5b6f09a6d101a1ad65cac98b75e.html">
<img align='left' src=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/de0ab54efa1cb5b6f09a6d101a1ad65cac98b75e--thumbnail.jpg" />
</a>He had a blast! And I'm quite happy to see that he has such
good contact with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/" rel=
'friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a>.</p>
<p>After being done with <a href="http://www.junibacken.se" title=
"Junibacken">Junibacken</a>, we dropped off <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/EvB/"
rel='friend ex-sweetheart met'>Eva</a> at a convenient place (she
had stuff of her own to deal with) and went to my place to have a
good dinner. Yum! We spent the rest of the evening just playing
(sometimes a bit on his own while I dealt with dishes and similar
things). It was a sweet moment.</p>
<p>They're flying back tomorrow morning. Quite early, really, so
all I have left is to wave them off at the airport. It's been a
wonderful few days, and it's sad to see him leave. But that's the
path we've chosen...</p>
<p align="center"><i>There's are more pictures <a href=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/Jacob/Visits/Christmas-2005/">here</a></i></p>
My son leaving...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/my-son-leaving.2005-12-28-12-00/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-12-28T12:00:00Z
<p>So, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a> and
<a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/" rel='friend ex-spouse met'>Lisa</a> left a
few hours ago. I made them company to the airport, and <a href=
"http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel='child met'>Jacob</a> and I had a pretty good
time waiting in the check-in line, playing a bit of <a href=
"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0163929/" title="Blue's Clues">Blue's
Clues</a> pretend.</p>
<p>After check-in, they were actually to get through security in a
bit of a hurry. Separating was tough, <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a> reacted by crying (something I haven't
experienced separating with him before...), and I had myself a cry
when leaving the airport. I talked with <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/LiG/" rel=
'friend ex-spouse met'>Lisa</a> on the phone later, while they were
still at the gate, and <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/people/JaG/" rel=
'child met'>Jacob</a> had recovered.</p>
<p>I won't work today. Just no point with it, I won't be able to
focus.</p>
What I want with my son...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/what-i-want-with-my-son/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-12-27T10:59:11Z
<p>I've tried to express what I want with my son many times, and I
keep getting a different interpretation of what I said back at me,
from many people. Can't quite figure out why, and this is just an
attempt to clarify it, to myself as well as to anyone who cares
reading.</p>
<p>In this entry, the topic is specifically about having him
travelling to Sweden at regular intervals.</p>
<p>As some know, my son is a young boy of two nationalities. Born
in Sweden from a US mother and a Swedish-French father, and has
lived in Sweden for the first three and a half years (he's four and
a half at the time I write this) and is now living in the states.
It should obvious to anyone that his identity contains heritage
from both countries.</p>
<p>A few times now, I've expressed that it's important that he
visits Sweden for his own sake, to maintain that part of his
identity. Quite a few times now, this has been expressed by others
as my wish to see him, and I can't remember having heard much else.
Expressed that way, it sounds quite a lot more selfish than it
really is. That would be something I'd want <em>from</em> my
son.</p>
<p>Don't get me wrong, I <em>am</em> immensily pleased to have him
here, there's no question about that it. I find it enormously
pleasing to have him in my home, playing with toys (Legos and a
Brio train set being his favorites) he left behind when he moved to
the states, or taking him places here. However, there's a bigger
picture, and it's vivid in my mind at all times.</p>
<p>Being a person of two nationalities is a treasure, there's no
doubt in my mind about that. It provides a wider perspective and
range of opportunities, the latter from having two languages at the
very least.</p>
<p>Because both nationalities are part of my son, part of his
identity, I very strongly believe that both should be nurtured, and
that the only way to have that is for him to be regularly immersed
in both cultures, seeing each of his parents in their home turf,
living with them, seeing his grand parents on both sides and even
sleeping over with them (or at least in their home), seeing and
experiencing each country itself, and getting in touch with the
languages. I consider anything else as no less than robbery.</p>
<p>That is something I want <em>for</em> my son. I think that's
quite different than wanting something <em>from</em> him.</p>
<p>Some of these things have not been taken care of well enough.
It's time to do so. It's time <em>I</em> do so.</p>
Living in two time zones at once...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/two-timezones/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-12-27T09:48:35Z
<p>My son is currently here in Sweden, as I've mentioned before.
And since he lives in Brookline, MA and his stay here is quite
short, he is of course in the rythm of the US east coast (they are
6 hours behind Sweden). So, to spend time with him, I try to be
awake as long as I can, but at the same time, there are some things
that I need to tend to that is within the Swedish rythm...</p>
<p>End result? I've tried to live in two time zones with a 6 hour
difference at once. This isn't good in the long run. I will need to
catch up on sleep tomorrow after the son and the ex-wife have taken
off to get back to Brookline.</p>
<p>I need to deal with this in a different way next time...</p>
Flying back homehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/from-boston-20051209/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-12-09T21:00:54Z
<p>I haven't written one single line here while I was in Boston! I
didn't expect that, I thought I would have one tirade after
another. See, i not only expected to visit with my son, but also to
have some time to process my own internal crap. And true, I have,
but a lot of that have happened with specific people using e-mail,
and I honeslty forgot I had a journal.</p>
<p><a target='_NEW' href=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/f15c96a28bf14315b2832ccbcd822403b2e4a0ee.html">
<img align='right' src=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/f15c96a28bf14315b2832ccbcd822403b2e4a0ee--thumbnail.jpg" /></a>Anyhow,
I've actually had a marvelous time in many ways. I got to live in
this beautiful old house, owned by a wonderful couple (the hubby is
a fan of Scandinavian movies, which was quite unexpected!). I'll
happily go to them again.</p>
<p><a target='_NEW' href=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/a99eaa96941f6a3cc231f6742c2863b315da458e.html">
<img align='left' src=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/a99eaa96941f6a3cc231f6742c2863b315da458e--thumbnail.jpg" /></a>
It was wonderful to see how my son has developped, and quite sad to
separate from him. He's a wonderful kid, and I do miss him a lot. I
loved playing, hugging, being cozy, talking, watch him do
gymnastics, play with friends, solving all the little things he
needed to solve and all other things that I currently forget.</p>
<p>Another unexpected thing was to discover different facets in my
ex. Good things. That's good, because they were probably always
there, I just wouldn't see them through my filters before, which
means that I've really let go of some of my issues. Hooray!</p>
<p>While being away from Sweden, I also had the time to process
some other crap, like what's happened in me in the last few
stressful months, finally let out some emotions that I had bottled
up for a while, and finding myself again. Getting more grounded,
basically.</p>
<p>Right now, I'm sitting on the plane to Newark, grounded at Logan
Airport (Boston). The ongoing blizzard is just enormous! My ex
called me, telling me she had seen lightning, and that the last
plane that left Logan got struck by lightning and had to return,
and that's why they closed the airport. Last thing I heard was that
the airport itself was (partly?) out of power, and it's quite
possible the same goes for parts of Boston. It's rumoured to be the
worst blizzard since many decenies.</p>
<p>Someone is currently talking on the phone, and telling her
father that the snow has cleared up (which it has), and that we
probably should be on our way in not too long. I can't really tell
if that last was a small lie or not. The runway is still covered
with snow, and the plows are working hard to shovel it all out of
the way. Well, that's a bit better than a couple of hours ago, when
they thought that they would have to close the airport for the
night.</p>
<p>What worries me the most is that I might not be in Newark in
time to catch my flight to Sweden, and it would really
<strong>suck</strong> if I would have to stay in Newark over night,
as I've heard it's really tough to get hotel rooms in that area. Ah
well, we'll see how it goes, and when I'll find myself in Sweden.
I'm having good faith.</p>
<p><strong><em>Update at 16:09 EST (22:09 CET):</em></strong></p>
<p>we were just told that we will take off in about 10 minutes!
Woohoo! That means we'll get to Newark on time, I hope. Life looks
a little bit brighter.</p>
<p><strong><em>Update on december 10, 17:06 CET:</em></strong></p>
<p>what an adventure! So, the taking off "in 10 minutes" was quite
a misunderstanding. That was when the de-icing process started, and
let me tell ya, the wings were covered with about 5 inches of snow!
So you can imagine the de-icing took a while (I didn't clock it,
but I'm guessing something between 30 and 45 minutes). We finally
took off from Logan somewhere after 5pm.</p>
<p><a target='_NEW' href=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/3ea8126ac42d23022853e108025c513d798979d3.html">
<img align='right' src=
"http://photos.richard.levitte.org/.pictures/3ea8126ac42d23022853e108025c513d798979d3--thumbnail.jpg" /></a>
When we arrived at Newark, we quickly found out that the plane to
Stockholm had already left. At this point, Mr P (who I had already
started talking to back at the gate at Logan, and who I decided at
this point would be a travel buddy, since we were both going to
Stockholm and found ourselves in the same predicament) and I simply
had to go to Continental costumer services and see what we could
get. We got a flight to Paris, and the flight from there to
Stockholm would be with Air France, landing us in Stockholm at
about 18:15 today.</p>
<p>Well, we had a couple of hours to kill in Newark, so we went for
a bite. Found ourselves in some kind of "Portuguese" café, where we
ate a pretty good chicken in herbs with rice and fried potatoe
slices, and talked. I got to tell Mr P bits and pieces of what goes
on in my life and where my passion lies, and got to know that he
travels a little everywhere in the world, feels really stressed
out, and especially now, since he is to visit his girlfriend in
Stockholm and doesn't enjoy the delay, at all. He was really happy
to hear I had a strong passion for something.</p>
<p>On we went, flying over the Atlantic, after another delay of,
IIRC, less than an hour. We weren't sitting very close, so I read a
french newspaper, played a bit with the entertainment unit that was
individually available on this flight (I watched "Batman begins"
and played a few games), then slept a little bit. Woke up an hour
or so before we landed at Roissy Charles de Gaule. Before landing,
I watched the french landscape, saw the small villages, one after
another, before we started seeing the northern suburbs of Paris,
and that's when it hit me! Oh, ce que la France me manque! Last
time I was there was about 10 years ago, and that's just too damn
long! I realised I got to come back, breathe the air, smell the
smells, touch the ground. It really is a part of me that I haven't
been in touch with for a very long time.</p>
<p>Anyway, at Roissy, we got through passport control, then went to
the local transfer services to get our boarding passes, and I had
the immense pleasure of using French with someone beside my mom,
and it was as much a pleasure to help Mr P getting his boarding
pass as well (more use of French <img src="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/smileys/smile.png" alt=":-)" /> ).</p>
<p>After a short personal browsing in the small local bookstore,
and buying 4 French comic books (Ah, la BD française!), Mr P and I
met again at the gate, and simply waited until the time of
boarding, me reading one of the comic books I had just purchased,
him reading some magazine he had purchased.</p>
<p>I'm currently sitting in the plane writing this update, having
just eaten a good little dinner (my only complaint would be that it
was served cold, but it was fish, so it still tasted good), with a
good white wine (hey, I'm on a French plane, what other excuse do I
need? and it was a Côte-du-Rhône, how could I say no?), and life is
currently good. Mr P is currently watching a movie on his laptop
:-).</p>
<p>You know, it's good to have a random travel buddy like that.
Makes all the waiting much less boring. You get to talk and have a
social time in the middle of all the waiting and (mis)adventures.
This is good. It was meant to be. I really appreciate it that Mr P
is with me on this trip.</p>
<p><strong><em>Update on december 10, 18:05 CET:</em></strong></p>
<p>Ha! I was just offered the "Flying Blue" card, with which I can
collect miles and get some free one. Cool! And I'm noticing that
I'm the only one who got that offer. Must be because I spoke French
with the crew. I knew speaking would have benefits, but this was a
bit unexpected. Anyway, I'm signing up. Hey, if it gives me free
tickets to go see my son, I'm not gonna complain!</p>
<p>And now, we were just informed the descent to Stockholm has
started. Guess it's time I close save this update and close the
laptop.</p>
On my way to Bostonhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/to-boston-20051128/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-11-28T10:43:08Z
<p>I started early today, at 5am. But hey, I was supposed to be at
the airport at 7am, and it's 40 minutes to get there... or more.
Today is also the day for the first real snow, it seems (there was
a day or two of snow a week ago, but that went quickly. I suspect
the snow has come to stay this time), so everyone was driving
really carefully, me included, especially after I skidded to a stop
at one crossing. That was a little scary, but fortunately
harmless.</p>
<p>Check-in went incredibly fast, there was almost no line, so my
bag was checked in in no time. So far, the experience has been just
easy and comfortable.</p>
<p>Having never flown with Continental before, I'm always curious
to see how they are. I found the security instructions to be
amazingly detailed and still easy to understand. Maintainance is
so-so, there were some visible traces of aging, for example my tray
table on which my beverage was constantly sliding toward me.</p>
<p>Probably the best thing I can think of, flying with Continental,
is that I basically do one big leap over the Atlantic, making that
the long 9 hour haul, then there's a small trip from Newark to
Boston. I much prefer that, especially on my way back, when I can
use that long haul to sleep and get myself more easily back to
Swedish rythm. Less jetlag can only be good, right? It's quite
possible that I'll fly with Continental again, just because of
that.</p>
<p>It will be good to see Jacob again. To see how he has grown, how
he has evolved, how much he's the same or different. And plain
simply, to be able to give him a hug. Gods, I've missed that!</p>
Home sweet homehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/home-sweet-home-20050805/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-08-05T08:38:19Z
<p>I'm sitting on the bus from Skavsta Airport and am starting to
get that feeling that I'm home again. Sweet feeling. Make no
mistake, though, it was a absolute blast to see my son, how he has
developped. To have hime for myself for more than a week was a
absolute blessing! And still, home is home. I'm already looking
forward to the time when I will welcome him here.</p>
<p>The impressions are many. For the first time, I felt
<em>capable</em> in the states. And perhaps that's the other
blessing of having been alone with my son. Previously, I've more or
less been tagging along with my (then) wife, and unfortunately, I
relied a lot on her being some kind of interface between me and her
country. This time, though, I had to figure out or remember where
to go shopping, had to figure out the best place to rent a car (I
did get a few pointers from my ex on this one) had to figure out
the roads to different things (and make those little mistakes like
picking the wrong road and then spend twice the time to get where
you want <img src="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/smileys/smile.png" alt=":-)" /> ). It's been a learning experience that I welcome very
much, because it really helped me feel more at home where I
was.</p>
<p>Oh, while I'm at it, <a href="http://www.mapquest.com/" title=
"MapQuest">MapQuest</a> and <a href="http://www.movies.com/" title=
"movies.com">movies.com</a> are absolutely marvelous tools! I got
to use them a lot on this trip, and will use them again. Now, I
just have to get myself a set of cheap flight ticket sites, and
this new life of travelling will be complete (as far as I can tell
right now, there will probably be other things to keep track of as
I go along).</p>
Last night's thunderstormhttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/thunderstorm-20070802/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-08-04T16:26:11Z
<p><em>[I'm still in Brookline,MA (EST), but my server is in Sweden
(GMT+1), so whatever time you see, you have to understand it is
either in the Swedish or GMT timezone. Subtract an appropriate
amount of hours to get my local time]</em></p>
<p>Wow! I mean, WOW! There was a thunderstorm in Brookline last
night. Right on top of us. So beautiful! I'm just sorry I missed
when the lightning hit the chimney of the house next door. No
worries, noone's hurt, and the lightning went right down to earth
without passing Go. And it had hit a transformer somewhere a while
before that, because we the power went not very long after the
storm came over us.</p>
<p>OK, you might think I'm weird, but I'm in awe when I see and
feel this kind of powerful manifestation of nature. And I felt
perfectly safe, and wasn't worried for my son either. Especially
with the power out, it didn't seem likely any lightning would hit
us directly, and I turned off my laptop quite early, just to be
extra safe.</p>
<p>It was really funny to hear how all the car alarms went off
every time the lightning struck somewhere in the neighbourhood. I
bet the construction site not far away from us got a few hits,
since it's just a steel skeleton, and is currently about the higest
structure in the immediate vicinity.</p>
<p>Anyway, this seems to have hit more or less all local Internet
providers, and they are all working on getting things back up.
There's still a power outage in may parts of the city, among others
Lisa's house, so I'm sitting at the local public library (very nice
library). Theie internet connection is down of course, just like
everywhere else, but at least they have power, so I can load up my
laptop battery when I need to.</p>
<p>Time to get back to <a href="http://journal.richard.levitte.org/tags/hacking/">hacking</a> (oh, don't
give me that, you <a href=
"http://richard.levitte.org/politics/#hack_crack">know</a> what I
mean)...</p>
I'm on my way to Boston!http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/on-my-way-to-Boston-20050721/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-07-25T16:07:28Z
<p>Ah, finally on my way. Haven't been with my son since March, and
it will be <em>so good</em> to reconnect! And of course, I'll also
reconnect with my friends C&B&A, that'll be sweet.</p>
<p>I must admit I'm still a bit nervous meeting my ex. We really
need to talk about everything we need to clear about our history,
what went wrong, why I did what I did, why she did what she did.
Until we do that, we are still attached by strings of -- oh, I
don't know what to call it... I would like for use to move to a
state where there's not this energy of anger while we just don't
talk about it, so we both can really move on with our lives. Last
time I started to bring something up, it was clear to me that she
didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't have the power to
insist. There will be a time when we must, though.</p>
<p>Oh well, this time, she's going to take a bit of vacation
(visiting her parents, if I recall correctly), and I'll have the
boy entirely to myself for something like 8 days, maybe 9. I'm
quite happy with that, we probably both need to catch up.</p>
<p>I'm actually typing this on the plane, and my battery power is
down at 3%. <code>wmbattery</code> tells me there are 4 minutes
left... Uhmm, no, it now tells me 7 minutes? Anyhow, there isn't
much time left for me to type away, so I'll stop now.</p>
<p>To anyone wondering, I'll still read my email, at the very least
once a day but probably more.</p>
<p>OK, now came the critical battery power alert, so it's time I
stop</p>
I just rented a car! In the states! And it's cute!http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/renting-a-car-1/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-07-25T16:07:28Z
<p>OK, it may seem like a silly thing to be excited about, but you
know what? It's the first time for me. Yup, I've never rented a car
in the states before.</p>
<p>It's a Ford -- uhm -- <em>something</em>, and it's bright
yellow, and it's cute, only to be surpassed by the modern VW
Buggy.</p>
<p>I'll get back when I've got some pictures up. Now, I've got to
get some lunch into me, and fetch Jacob from school, and get him
home in time for his O.T. (Occupational Therapist), and get on with
life. Oh, and do the dishes... Hmm, I wonder where to fit in
lunch...</p>
Do children really cost that much?http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/child-costs-USA-1/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2005-07-20T15:59:41Z
<p>Child support costs are very different between Sweden and the
USA. While you can get by easily taking care of a 4 years old boy
with about SEK 5000.00 (that's about USD 657.00) per month in
Sweden, I'm beginning to understand that costs between USD 1000.00
and USD 2000.00 (that's about SEK 7600.00 to SEK 15200.00) is
considered normal (the lower end would be considered low).</p>
<p>Talk about different expectations and different ways to live! No
wonder salaries in the states are so much higher (at least in my
profession), it's needed to live well!</p>
<p>So, here I am, currently with a salary that's high in Sweden but
not so high in the states, with the expectation to support a child
under conditions that do not match the Swedish standards of living.
I have no problems supporting my child (I love him!), do not make
the mistake to think I do. It's just a bit frustrating to do the
math and see exactly how little is left in the end, and trying to
match that with things I need to pay (like loans I needed to take
to survive)...</p>
<p>I'll stop whining now...</p>
Watching him go...http://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/2004-12-08-21-21/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2004-12-08T21:21:00Z
<p>Today has been a tough day, but not so tough. I watched my
ex-wife and my son go on the airplane (OK, I only got to see them
walk through security...) to move to the other side of the planet
(to Boston). This is a move we have all agreed on after a couple of
months of processing, discussions, hard emotions and disagreements.
It's also my own choice to stay behind when I had the option to
move there as well. I seem to have prepared myself quite well for
this separation, because I can imagine myself being a lot
sadder.</p>
<p>The bottom line is that this move is the best for all involved.
Our son will get some resources in the states that he doesn't have
access to here in Sweden, and Lisa and I will both be in a place
where each of us feels at an optimum when it comes to happiness,
comfort, development and so on, which in turn will benefit
Jacob.</p>
<p>I will probably have pangs of anxiety in the days that come, and
I can't really imagine how I will feel. I have the impression that
I have had the majority of the anxiety attacks already. How many
more can there be? I'll just have to take care of them when they
get to me. Fortunately, I've friends to turn to when times are
tough, and I am staying in touch with Jacob and Lisa as much as I
feel I can (I've no idea what that means, but we will figure it out
as we go, won't we?).</p>
<p>Anyhow, that's the news for now. I'm thinking of writing some
tidbits about what I've learned and the paths I've chosen to follow
in the year that has been. Will try to remember to do that in the
next few weeks.</p>
Another update on lifehttp://journal.richard.levitte.org/entries/2004-09-19-23-53/2008-07-06T23:21:28Z2004-09-19T23:53:00Z
<p>Today, on another forum, two threads appeared, one that
encouraged people to vent the things that were bad in their life,
and another with the good stuff. I've decided to reproduce my two
response here, just for the sake of having my own archive of the
stuff I write.</p>
<hr />
<p>The "bad things" thread:</p>
<p>Oh my, this is quite a thread after coming out of a
mini-depression...</p>
<p>I hate to express myself in terms of hate. It feels like there's
no nuance.</p>
<p>The doctors have just discovered my mom has some kind of lung
sickness, probably the same as her mom, who ended up having lots of
fluids in her lungs. It hit me like a ton of bricks that one of
those who have been there my whole life has suddenly taken a giant
step toward her own death, and I have no idea how to deal with it.
It makes me really sad and it's really hard to realise this.</p>
<p>Quite soon (in a couple of months?), I'm probably going to watch
my son travel away to the other side of the Atlantic, together with
his mother. I know that he's going to have a good time and that
there is stuff over there that he probably needs, and at the same
time, I can't help but feel crushed that we're placing the burden
of our divorce on him even more by giving him parents who are
physically very separated instead of living about 600 meters
(yards) apart. I'm working out the chagrin that I currently feel
within, so I can go past it.</p>
<p>I absolutely hate (there, I said it) that I have been so numb,
so out of touch with my true feelings for so very long (roughly
1990 to last christmas. That's a long time). I hate that I couldn't
express the deep love I now know I can feel, and know I did feel. I
hate that this numbness brought me to say "yes" when there was a
big resounding "NO" deep within me, or even when there was just
disagreement. I hate how I, by consequence, promised things that
weren't grounded in me, that weren't what I wanted to promise. I
hate how I, even further by consequence, broke those promises,
because they weren't really grounded in me.</p>
<p>I hate that I ignored the child within, and let it reign on it's
own or have someone else pamper it or even parent it. I hate that
this still happens. It's my job, damnit!</p>
<p>I strongly dislike (and always have, I just didn't know how to
express it before last spring) when someone wants me to take care
of their inner child, instead of doing it themselves. I've had that
happen with 3 people, one of them being my mom. Having someone else
take care of your inner child does not help, especially yourself!
It doesn't help that inner child grow.</p>
<p>I have an increasing difficulty with people who think their own
perspective of the truth is The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing
But The Truth. It leaves no space for the rest of the world. I hate
it when I catch myself doing exactly that.</p>
<p>/Richard</p>
<p>P.S. interesting how I can express hate about my own
stuff...</p>
<p>P.P.S. it feels good having expressed all this. THANK YOU!</p>
<hr />
<p>The "unrant" thread:</p>
<p>Great thread!</p>
<p>I love my son Jacob. I love the way he laughs and runs into my
arms, almost tackling me down, each time I pick him up from dagis
and sometimes from his mom. I love the way he can melt into a hug
with me. I love watching him play. I love his very apparent joy for
life.</p>
<p>I love my cat Kattie (I didn't name him! ). I love the way he
curls up on my lap or on my tummy, especially when I need it the
most. I love how he suddenly gets a burst of wilderness in him
around 11pm. I love him for being so patient with Jacob.</p>
<p>I really enjoy this new path of growth and increased
spirituality that I'm walking, slowly finding my way to understand
the world beyond the immediately apparent and to feel love for and
connection with everyone and everything. Some day, I'll even be
able to love myself fully.</p>
<p>I love computer programing. It's my art. It's the ultimate
expression of my creativity blended with logic, accuracy and the
feeling that I do the right thing.</p>
<p>I love interacting and being with people. I increasingly throw
myself into groups of people, new situations, new challenges,
things that might ultimately provoke something in my inner core and
help me grow a little bit more.</p>
<p>I sometimes like being alone, just to recapture my life, brood
over something I've been through recently, or just enjoy a little
bit of quiet time.</p>
<p>I love going to the movies once in a while, or going out to eat
in good company.</p>
<p>I love my current companion, for her straightforwardness, for
her awareness that goes beyond what I have experienced (or been
willing to see, perhaps) before, for her accepting what I have to
give (things I didn't even know about) and for what she has to give
me, and for encouraging me to follow the path I'm currently
following.</p>
<p>I love my previous partners, for having wanted to share a few
years with me, even though they have sometimes been very difficult.
They will all be part of my life, forever. I'm deeply grateful to
them all, and especially to Lisa, for everything I've learned and
for the path that they have lead me to.</p>
<p>/Richard</p>