There are times when life is too damn hard. Times when I don't feel I'm accepted for who and what I am, that there is always a wish that I change into someone that's so foreign to me I can hardly see his face in all the mist.

I got reminded of my previous interest in enneagrams, and had to take a look at it again. Knowing my type (I remembered!), it was easy to find a description of me, and what a description I found! There was just so much that fit right in! And so much I have tried to deny about myself because it didn't seem to be an accepted way to be, at least in my immediate surroundings. I feel like I have found a source telling me that it's OK to be me, and I can't remember when I last felt like that. Or actually, I can, but that was a long time ago.

So today, I simply went out. Needed to get out of the house and cry somewhere, and get my thoughts together before I became some crazed crying lump that just did the dishes. Took the subway to the part of town that I know and feel safe in, and then went to the computer club nearby so I could type this stuff in. Somewhere on the way, I got a call from my mom and told her what was going on. She went off warning me about the dangers of getting caught on one system, when there is no system that takes up all phasets of life. Of course not, mom, but that was hardly helpful at this moment, so I'll hear the warning, and will mainly ignore it at this moment, until I'm obsessing less about it...

Just got a call from my wife. She's OK, except for a foot that's acting up, and she wasn't mad that I had left while she was sleeping, just a bit weirded out to find me with the computers. I hope she gets over that, I needed it to write this stuff.

'nuff said for now, I'm starting to get distracted, so it's about time I get back home.